Am I being dramatic to say I don’t want this much contact? At wits end

[re11]

My parents are lovely generally. They are early sixties and retired a few years. I hear from my mum constantly. A few times a day usually. This will be a text asking how the day way but then I may also get a text at lunchtime about my dd or something else. They want to meet twice a week and would probably meet more if I wasn’t working. We live close by so the travel isn’t an issue but I just want to be left alone sometimes.

AIBU to find this level of contact too much? I have a sibling but they are apparently ‘not good with their phone’ so are not bombarded as much as me. I have tried to say please can you dial back the messaging but it still happens. It’s honestly every day a few messages a day. Am I being a dick to feel so irritated? I know she’s just trying to be nice and she does have friends and interests so I don’t know where it comes from. I feel genuine anger when I see a text because I am so sick of seeing them!

How old is your sibling to get away with the not good with phones excuse?

yes it’s annoying and you need to tell them that you don’t feel the need to respond or even look at it straight away

its exhausting being on call all
the time for basically nonsense. even though one day you will be wishing for a text as they’ll be gone.

set boundaries now as when they get older and less active etc it will get worse

@Mazpaz why is it horrible to not want to talk to your parent/s multiple times a day, even though you visit them twice a week?

I sometimes think I live in a parallel universe. Literally everyone in my family and all my friends speak to/message their parents every day. How busy is your life that you can’t take ten seconds to reply to a text? Even if they bombarded you it would take less time to reply than it does to start a post on here about it.

I think you will change your tune OP when one day don't have calls or texts and when the only visit will be to put flowers on their headstone. I think you will look back at this and it will hurt like hell. Good luck

Yes this! Appreciate them while you have them still, I don't have any parents or grandparents and it's kinda lonely not to have anyone apart from my sister now. Maybe just say to your Mum that you can't always respond quickly if you are working and for her not to worry, so she knows and won't hassle you so much if she doesn't hear back. I can understand as my Mum used to irritate me at times, but now she's been gone a long time, I really miss her and wish I had been different with her back then when I was younger. Try to find a compromise somehow.

How about a grown up conversation “hi mum, could you slow down the messaging I’m finding it a bit full on” just talk to her - how is she meant to know it’s a issue if you don’t say!

tell them you’re reducing your phone usage as you’ve become too reliant on it and you feel you need to step back from your phone more. And for them not to worry if you don’t reply straight away because you’re going to be on it so much less.

Don’t guilt trip the op. If she feels overwhelmed by them, she feels overwhelmed. It’s not fair to tell her she should put up with things that affect her just because one day her parents will be dead. I say this as someone who lost a parent very young. Obviously id give anything for a text from my dad. But I can still appreciate that someone else’s parent messaging them all day would be annoying for them.

You shouldn't feel bad. Nobody lives forever but it doesn't mean we have to spend every waking moment in contact with them out of duty. Just reduce the amount of replies you send - even explain that you can't always respond because you are busy at work. As people age they begin to lack awareness of those that still have a lot of obligations such as work and raising children and think that everyone's time is as free as their own! Yes, they are your parents, but you don't owe them anything and shouldn't feel guilty for wanting a bit of distance. Good luck.

I am still at home at 39 and my parents are incredibly stifling. Text me when we are all in the house together. If I go out alone even for a short while they will message me. When I have done a long day at work, they expect me to sit and chat with them as they haven't seen me all day. My mum in particular has some very odd ideas and thinks we should all be in each others pockets.
I have had to set boundaries which isnt easy for a people pleaser like me but it's making me massively resent them.
All I can do is keep saving and hope for my own place as I feel the relationship between us all would improve. But I still think they would be the same with me if I moved but it would at least give me a bit of breathing space.

Bloody hell

Absolutely YANBU.
You have your own life.
I use ANY excuse not to spend time with one (emotionally abusive) surviving parent of mine
in another country.
I haven't visited for five years and don't regret
one single step.
I'm 45.

Moms of adult kids really can’t win can they? Not interested enough / too interested. Not invested enough / over invested. Don’t communicate / too much communication.

so in short, yes I think you are being a bit of a dick.

but you will get plenty of validation on mn from the (seems to be) majority of people who have little or no patience with their parents.

Just be honest! A conversation done kindly is surely the most obvious approach?

I had similar with my mum a few months bak.

It's been going on for years the constant messages and what are you doing,what are you having for tea etc etc.

If I didn't reply straight away she would then call and if I didn't answer she would call dh phone or dc phone.

I had to get stroppy with her in the end and tell her if I don't reply it's because I'm busy and it's not an emergency so shel have to wait.

A few months ago I had a really bad week with her and dad constantly demanding I go over after work etc as they needed me to do stuff for them etc and I lost my tag with them both.

Reminded them I work around 60 hours a week in my own business. I have a house and family to run and they are young enough to be fully capable of looking after and occupying themselves and to stop forcing themselves and demanding on me all the time.

When I left that day I told them I wouldn't be over for at least a week and I wouldn't be replying to any messages hnless they were urgent as i was so so pissed ofd with them for being so bloody selfish.

i did get one apology message from my mum that was v brief.

the next time i went ovwr my auntie was there so it was oerfevt timjng to tell her and explain in frony of them all that its not ok to behave like it.

since then its totally differenr.

i pop over when i want to not when they want me to and they dont badger me

All those messages and no communication.
Just tell her it’s stressing you out as you have to get on with your day.
I agree it sounds like your mum needs to get a new hobby or find some voluntary work.

No, her mum just needs to listen to what the OP directly asked for. It's not hard to listen to and respect someones wishes.

Just take the lead from your adult children if you feel luke there is an imbalance.

Let's not pretend that 3 messages a day every day and twice weekly in person visits is an average amount of communication.

I appreciate I'm at the other end ( phone once a month if that ) but the result is we have really lovely long chats which I find more meaningful then the same old crap repeated via small talk that frequently happens.

What on earth do you find to talk about when you're so enmeshed?

You sound lovely. It almost certainly isn’t that he doesn’t want to hear from you, more just a case of being overwhelmed.

I think the generation of parents who didn’t have smartphones in their teens, 20s and now 30s just don’t realise how overwhelming phones/communications have become in general. To you, it’s just a couple of quick check-ins a day. To someone like me, it’s one of 50 notifications I’ve had that expects an instant response - my work communications come through my phone (slack), my work and personal emails come through my phone, my children’s’ nursery apps come through my phone, my partner messages trying to help us plan the chaos of evenings/meals each night, people message in family chats, friends send memes and videos…in the meantime I’m batting away notifications from my fitness app to get moving, from my banking app about upcoming payments, from my health app to update it on my period, breaking news, you name it.

I am (and I imagine your son is too) just so lost in a sea of notifications every single day, that when my mum texts “Everything alright?” because I’ve been quiet for a few hours, I see red because she just doesn’t get my perspective. My car literally broke down last week and I had to download an app to sort it out - like come on!

(Sorry, I know you didn’t ask for an essay, but perhaps your son feels a similar way, and it’s nothing personal at all!)

That sounds really untenable, I wouldn't cope with that.

“Hi mum, no need to worry if don’t reply for a few hours, or even a couple of days. It sometimes takes a while for me to catch up with phone or online communications whilst I’m at work or busy with the family. I’ll always get back to you when I can 🙂”.

I agree with this, you can certainly scale it back by replying once a day later on and saying you are busy during the day etc and they should get the message, but now my parents have passed away I’d give anything for messages from them every day xx

This - tell her in advance that you can’t respond all the time. She is bombarding you when you don’t reply because you usually do. Call her this evening and tell her what you can respond to - from tomorrow. Then stick to it. Keep your phone in your bag until
lunchtime, and again in the afternoon. I call
my DF twice a week and we have a good chat for 15-20 minutes. I’d go mad if he was texting me several times a day!

I'd tell her you are getting into trouble messaging during working hours. (You are - with yourself!) So just mute her messages during the day. Then tell yourself: I am fine with spending 5-10 mins each evening replying to my mum. I love her. It is no big deal. And do that. 5 mins a day: reply when it suits you or give her a quick phone call with a time limit on it because you have to get the dinner ready/collect DC from somewhere etc.

Not sure how to handle seeing her two days a week and reducing that, though.

Tell rhem youre spending too much time on your phone so you are having a digital detox phone will be muted x

Check your messages once a day