Urgent advice possibly have a grandchild

[Candystardaisy87]

Hi all , I'm going to get straight to the point here
This is specifically aimed at those of you in the know about this subject, factual info only please.
Social workers, those that work within the law ? Or those who have actually been through something similar and can share thier own experiences of this would be very helpful.

My son has arrived home for the summer from university, he has just been informed that he could be the father of a child.
The baby has already been born.
The mother of the baby lives very far away from us .
There is a possibility the baby could be his , however there are also 2 other potential fathers of this baby.
As soon as my son found out there could be a possibility he acted so supportive and mature ( hes 19) he is desperate to find out if he is this baby's biological father, as so am I.
This is obviously not the most ideal situation, however neither of us cares , we just want to know if this baby is our child/ grandchild so we can support the baby , be part of its life and support mum of need be.
Please advise us where we go from here , how do we go about getting a dna test ? Not an internet ordered one. We want a proper dna test through the courts etc. My son is saying he is determined not to let this child down and be part of its life however we need to know for certain before we go any further.
I would appreciate any advice given, than you.

Courts do not do DNA tests, it's scientific labs that do them. He can identify any paternity testing clinic near to the mum, and the results will be the same from any of them, assuming mum is willing to go for the tests. Then if the clinic confirm he's the father he can follow up using a solicitor to sort out maintenance, access etc.

Is the baby and mother in the U.K.?

🙄 Not really answering the OP's question is it. Just jump to accusing the worst about someone who is himself still a kid.

Going to be tricky, courts will only order if there's a dispute so for example if he applies for a child arrangement order and she says he's not the dad they'll order one but if she agrees he is they won't. If she applies for maintenance and he denies paternity one would be ordered.

@ComenowHQ He's only 19 himself, don't be so quick to criticise. It is a lot to take in.

What a dick post. What was the point of this?

You utter ghoul

You can't go to the courts and demand a DNA test. You'll have to do one of the tests online. Research a reputable company and order one. Make sure he keeps communication open with the mum.
There is a 1 in 3 chance he's the father so the odds are against him, so don't get yours / his hopes up too much at this stage.

Courts will only direct a DNA test in very specific circumstances.
https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/parent-carer-or-family-member/applications-child-arrangements-order/other-support-services-cafcass-delivers-behalf-ministry-justice/dna-testing
You best option is as pp have suggested a private lab. They do the same work as a home test kit you can buy from Boots but I get the impression you'd prefer a lab test. There are lots around but for peace of mind look for one that also does court work.
https://dnacentre.co.uk/paternity-testing/
https://www.alphabiolabs.co.uk/public-testing-services/legal-paternity-testing/

What sort of communication does he have with the DC's mother?

I think the best course of action now would be for her to co-ordinate DNA testing of all three potential fathers, as it is in the child's interest to have biological paternity established (even if another man is the one who brings him up in role of father).

This needs to be done at labs, who take proof of identity (because home tests could be done by a third party if someone - not your DS - is shitty enough to seek to swerve responsibility), and I think as the point of commonality is the mother, she is best placed to work out how best this is achieved especially as there's a geographical spread

Who informed your son he may be the father?

Op ignore that other poster just out to antagonise you.

A male relative of mine has been in the position where his ex found out she was pregnant and called him to say she was keeping the baby. At the time he was living 2 hours away from her which made things MUCH more complicated with him wanting to be involved, compared to when baby was a bit older and he was able to move closer and he now has regular contact.

My advice is to get the DNA test (can't advise on how to go about that part.) And if this is your grandchild, try and help your son set up a life for himself close to where this woman lives and tell him to contact CSA and set up child support himself. Based on my experience.

It’s unlikely to be exactly a 1 in 3 chance. Would be influenced by many factors such as how many times she slept with each, when she slept with each, whether protection was used with any of them etc.

If he was a regular sexual partner of the woman and having unprotected sex he’s much more likely to be the father than the others if they were one night stands and used a condom, for example.

CellMark do DNA tests and they are who the CMS (child maintenance service use)
I think it's about £250 - you can check their website.
It can be done at a GP near to your son / the mother of child & child can do it near where they live.

Alternatively - she could go to the CMS and name your son as the father and then he could dispute it and have it done that way.

@Candystardaisy87 CellMark are also government approved and courts also use this company too.

£324 on their website and next day turnaround

Do you and your son live in the UK?

Reason I'm asking is that UK unis finished for the summer a long time ago- some almost at the beginning of June (though there could be a reason why he's only come home to you now.)

The reason for asking is because obviously if you don't live in the UK and his ex girlfriend does / doesn't will make a big difference to how much he can be involved with this child.

It's slightly odd that he's only found out about the baby now, after it was born- don't you think?

Why has the woman only just told him? She must have known about her pregnancy for months and presumably they weren't seeing each other then.

Is she money-grabbing? Is she asking several men to 'pay' for support? And hoping one will without DNA evidence?

If this relationship is over- which it appears to be - and was casual all along, you have to accept that his mum may want nothing to do with you or him (and he'd need legal proof of being the father.)

But you seem to be jumping the gun and wanting to 'adopt' the grandchild as part of your lives, without accepting that even if he IS the father, it's long road ahead to be involved with a child who's in another country.

'Proving' he is the father is only the very first step in what could be a long road. Even though legally he may be allowed access to the child, the mum's wishes and where she lives are also valid. it would be very difficult for the child to maintain contact for decades if that's against her wishes - even if legally he has a case.

While there will be many emotions swirling about, at this stage, it's about being a bit methodical maybe even a bit detached. Understandably the mum and your son may struggle here, so if you can take that role, it will help.

i) You say mum and baby live far away - is that near the University? Is she originally from your area and still has connections there? Is it a third area altogether, UK or not UK? This will help establish how easy it is going to be to coordinate the test and, for the future, how easy it is to coordinate visits/co-parenting.
ii) is the Mum open to a relationship, did she reach out to him? Or was it someone else, and actually, she doesn't want him involved or any communication with him? Or she may only be looking for financial support. This isn't about judgment; it's about understanding how cooperative she'll be in terms of the test and any future relationship for both him and, indeed, yourself
iii) what does your son (and you) want - and can - offer? Again, no judgment; if she lives far away logistically, what could work? How does this look at different times of the year - when he's at University vs term breaks vs working? What kind of pattern is logistically possible? Remember there are a couple of years where the baby is very young so logistics may be more challenging, at the same time as couple of years of study before your son starts work - both of which needs to be countered with the importance of bonding in early years. Just remember that irrespective of whatever is agreed upon now, it is likely to change as the baby grows up and your son finishes studying, so encourage your son to keep things open and flexible.

Start with the test, administered through a GP if in the UK as suggested above; if outside the UK, it very much depends on where some countries are more rigorous on procedure than others. If its a country that is less rigorous it may be worth a trip out to get the test completed (again, subject to all the stuff above about logistically whats possible and what the mother wants)

Is he in touch with the girl, has he told her that he will support her if she wants and the baby is his. He needs her permission to do a dna test, it has to be from him and the baby. Does she want anyone involved

Had tests done through Alpha Biolabs for a court process recently. They were incompetent on 2 separate occasions and failed to get enough sample to actually test, despite there being plenty. When we complained they wouldn't even refund us fully. Cost us hundreds. I would not deal with them again.

OP should also bear in mind that unfortunately these companies are mainly used to dealing with people through the courts and via social services and local authorities, and so their customer service just isn't really aimed at individuals. One straight forward DNA test should be relatively easy, but one you get into hair samples, blood, and varieties of things it gets very more complex and the companies make more mistakes in their admin side of things. Especially when time is off the essence as it often is with custody/child access cases.

What comes over is your emotions about the possibility (and excitement?) of having a grandchild.

That wouldn't be the way I'd write this post.

It's not about you even though some of your DNA may be in the child.

I think we can all understand your emotions but you are outside the circle, which is your son, the baby and the woman.

It's also relevant where they live because if it's not the UK the law will differ.

There are too many unanswered questions here, such as why this late revelation, what are the mum's motives, how would contact work and does she even want contact with someone who wasn't in an exclusive relationship with her for the next 18 years?

You ask for practical advice only but that's being a bit blinkered to the emotions.

I'm a divorce lawyer. I use Lextox for all my testing.
You don't need an order to get a dba test.