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AIBU?

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Original poster

Urgent advice possibly have a grandchild

117 replies

Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 10:29

Hi all , I'm going to get straight to the point here
This is specifically aimed at those of you in the know about this subject, factual info only please.
Social workers, those that work within the law ? Or those who have actually been through something similar and can share thier own experiences of this would be very helpful.

My son has arrived home for the summer from university, he has just been informed that he could be the father of a child.
The baby has already been born.
The mother of the baby lives very far away from us .
There is a possibility the baby could be his , however there are also 2 other potential fathers of this baby.
As soon as my son found out there could be a possibility he acted so supportive and mature ( hes 19) he is desperate to find out if he is this baby's biological father, as so am I.
This is obviously not the most ideal situation, however neither of us cares , we just want to know if this baby is our child/ grandchild so we can support the baby , be part of its life and support mum of need be.
Please advise us where we go from here , how do we go about getting a dna test ? Not an internet ordered one. We want a proper dna test through the courts etc. My son is saying he is determined not to let this child down and be part of its life however we need to know for certain before we go any further.
I would appreciate any advice given, than you.

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 10/08/2024 12:52

TooTrusting · 10/08/2024 12:29

I'm a divorce lawyer. I use Lextox for all my testing.
You don't need an order to get a dba test.

You need the mothers permission though don't you?

Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 13:27

Hi thanks for the replies & advice. He has only just found out this week about the baby. He told me straight away. She was his ex girlfriend at the same university however she left and moved back to where she was from not telling him why at the time.
They were in a relationship, he has only just found out that she was unfaithful during this time. He is being very grown up and not judging her in the slightest as his main concern is the baby.
They have been on contact via msgs this week, she and I met last year and got on very well.
She lives 5 hours away from us.
We were advised an internet dna test wouldnt stand up in court if needed to in the future? Not sure how true this is.
For the person that is judgemental, my son is doing everything he can to be a good man & do the right thing here. Hes more mature than I would have been at 19 that's for sure!

OP posts:
Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 13:29

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 10/08/2024 10:36

Is the baby and mother in the U.K.?

Yes we all are

OP posts:
Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 13:30

Conniebygaslight · 10/08/2024 11:17

Who informed your son he may be the father?

The mother of course

OP posts:
InfoSecInTheCity · 10/08/2024 13:34

There's information here about DNA tests that are accepted as accurate and verifiable for court use if needed

www.gov.uk/get-a-dna-test/if-youre-getting-a-test-to-use-in-court

bunnypenny · 10/08/2024 13:35

If you get a DNA test and you want it to be recognised by the Courts you need to go through one of the accredited labs. Random internet ones won’t be accepted if you’re seeking to rely on them.

Accredited List

Get a DNA test

DNA testing can be used in child maintenance or inheritance disputes, or applications for contact with a child or for a child to settle in the UK

https://www.gov.uk/get-a-dna-test/if-youre-getting-a-test-to-use-in-court

Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 13:36

ListentotheButterflies · 10/08/2024 11:47

Do you and your son live in the UK?

Reason I'm asking is that UK unis finished for the summer a long time ago- some almost at the beginning of June (though there could be a reason why he's only come home to you now.)

The reason for asking is because obviously if you don't live in the UK and his ex girlfriend does / doesn't will make a big difference to how much he can be involved with this child.

It's slightly odd that he's only found out about the baby now, after it was born- don't you think?

Why has the woman only just told him? She must have known about her pregnancy for months and presumably they weren't seeing each other then.

Is she money-grabbing? Is she asking several men to 'pay' for support? And hoping one will without DNA evidence?

If this relationship is over- which it appears to be - and was casual all along, you have to accept that his mum may want nothing to do with you or him (and he'd need legal proof of being the father.)

But you seem to be jumping the gun and wanting to 'adopt' the grandchild as part of your lives, without accepting that even if he IS the father, it's long road ahead to be involved with a child who's in another country.

'Proving' he is the father is only the very first step in what could be a long road. Even though legally he may be allowed access to the child, the mum's wishes and where she lives are also valid. it would be very difficult for the child to maintain contact for decades if that's against her wishes - even if legally he has a case.

Edited

I've never once said that I want to adopt the baby! This is completely un true! Yes it is odd she has only now come forward. Maybe she does have motives money etc or maybe she thought she could do it all by herself and now would like some help and support? Who knows?
At the end of the day there is a chance that my son could have a baby and we arr trying to do the right thing by that child.
Yes my son has been home from university a while. He found out this week... I have seen the msgs and spoken to th mother over the telephone this is all true. Were are all in the uk.

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 10/08/2024 13:37

Does the girl want to know who the father is, have they discussed getting a paternity test with a sample from him and the baby. Does she want him to be involved in bringing up the baby

Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 13:37

I am quite disappointed by some of these comments, I am a feminist however I have now seen from another pov , the mans side how awful women can turn. He is 19 years old! He is trying to be a good man! And yet still slated ... disgraceful

OP posts:
Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 13:43

BeBopBeBop · 10/08/2024 11:50

While there will be many emotions swirling about, at this stage, it's about being a bit methodical maybe even a bit detached. Understandably the mum and your son may struggle here, so if you can take that role, it will help.

i) You say mum and baby live far away - is that near the University? Is she originally from your area and still has connections there? Is it a third area altogether, UK or not UK? This will help establish how easy it is going to be to coordinate the test and, for the future, how easy it is to coordinate visits/co-parenting.
ii) is the Mum open to a relationship, did she reach out to him? Or was it someone else, and actually, she doesn't want him involved or any communication with him? Or she may only be looking for financial support. This isn't about judgment; it's about understanding how cooperative she'll be in terms of the test and any future relationship for both him and, indeed, yourself
iii) what does your son (and you) want - and can - offer? Again, no judgment; if she lives far away logistically, what could work? How does this look at different times of the year - when he's at University vs term breaks vs working? What kind of pattern is logistically possible? Remember there are a couple of years where the baby is very young so logistics may be more challenging, at the same time as couple of years of study before your son starts work - both of which needs to be countered with the importance of bonding in early years. Just remember that irrespective of whatever is agreed upon now, it is likely to change as the baby grows up and your son finishes studying, so encourage your son to keep things open and flexible.

Start with the test, administered through a GP if in the UK as suggested above; if outside the UK, it very much depends on where some countries are more rigorous on procedure than others. If its a country that is less rigorous it may be worth a trip out to get the test completed (again, subject to all the stuff above about logistically whats possible and what the mother wants)

If the baby turned out to biologically my sons I would do anything I could and he would also in terms of support and having a relationship with the baby.
We would have to travel to see the baby we have already discussed this. Obviously as a mother I understand this will be on the mothers terms.
However I cannot live my life knowing that a potential grandchild is out there & I havent atleast tried to be part of the childs life and neither can my son

OP posts:
Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 13:47

ListentotheButterflies · 10/08/2024 11:58

What comes over is your emotions about the possibility (and excitement?) of having a grandchild.

That wouldn't be the way I'd write this post.

It's not about you even though some of your DNA may be in the child.

I think we can all understand your emotions but you are outside the circle, which is your son, the baby and the woman.

It's also relevant where they live because if it's not the UK the law will differ.

There are too many unanswered questions here, such as why this late revelation, what are the mum's motives, how would contact work and does she even want contact with someone who wasn't in an exclusive relationship with her for the next 18 years?

You ask for practical advice only but that's being a bit blinkered to the emotions.

I'm not bloody excited at all! I did not plan to be a grandmother at 39 believe me. If I am anything it's the sense of urgency to know as this baby is already a few months old and I understand how important bonding is !! I asked for facts so I am not over run with emotion , I'm actually trying to deal with this as calm as possible.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 10/08/2024 13:47

A fair few Jeremy Bile DNA tests came back as “ You are not the baby’s father “

Hopefully OP’s son won’t be the father.

It will be far easier on him
if not.

Some of the men on Kyle were devastated when they weren’t the father of a child they had raised as their own.

Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 13:48

MissMoneyFairy · 10/08/2024 13:37

Does the girl want to know who the father is, have they discussed getting a paternity test with a sample from him and the baby. Does she want him to be involved in bringing up the baby

Yes she does

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 10/08/2024 13:48

Why don't you and your son see if she wants to meet up. He can ask her if she would like him to take a paternity test and say that if it's his baby he is happy to help, contribute, be part if their lives if that's what she would like. He can't do a paternity test without the babies dna, if it is his baby and she would like him involved they will need to discuss that and be realistic. He can ask her why she has only just told him and take it from there. If she isnt interested and refuses he might be able to get the court involved but that may not be in babies best interest if it causes anger, resentment and hostility between them for the rest of their lives.

Greytulips · 10/08/2024 13:50

You'll have to do one of the tests online. Research a reputable company and order one

Dont do this.

For the courts you have to go to a clinic and have ID documents and they can confirm who you say you are - same for the baby. They test the mother as well should she bring a different child tot he clinic.

Mother has to be onboard - and agree tot he testing.

MissMoneyFairy · 10/08/2024 13:50

Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 13:48

Yes she does

Show quote history

OK, so they just need to arrange that between themselves, who is paying for it and move forward with a realustic plan if he is the father.

Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 13:50

What a bunch of jerks on here. Really? The amount of posts I have read on mumsnet moaning that the father and grandparents dont want to know thier children, yet we are trying to do the right thing here ... you cant win on mumsnet that's for sure!!

OP posts:
ListentotheButterflies · 10/08/2024 13:50

Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 13:36

I've never once said that I want to adopt the baby! This is completely un true! Yes it is odd she has only now come forward. Maybe she does have motives money etc or maybe she thought she could do it all by herself and now would like some help and support? Who knows?
At the end of the day there is a chance that my son could have a baby and we arr trying to do the right thing by that child.
Yes my son has been home from university a while. He found out this week... I have seen the msgs and spoken to th mother over the telephone this is all true. Were are all in the uk.

Show quote history

I've never once said that I want to adopt the baby!

I didn't say you did. You've misread.
I wrote 'adopt' - inverted commas. There is a difference.

Using commas was to show it was as if you want a lot of involvement as a grandparent (look at your subject line.) Your posts give the impression this is about you and not just your son.

So you've spoken to the woman? Did your son set that up for you? How did that conversation go?

Your son could be moving this forward and googling to see what his rights and responsibilities are as a potential father. He could also search for the DNA testing info.

If he/ you want advice there needs to be a fuller picture of what's happened.
Have the mum's parents put pressure on her to discover the father - for money?

Why has she only told your son now, after maybe 6 or 7 months of knowing she was pregnant and, presumably, they had no contact?

Although it's admirable on the one hand to be supportive financially, it's also a moot point if the woman wants him involved in her life with her child. The sheer practicalities of him being a student , unwaged, only 19, living a long away from her, make it all very difficult.

How did he find out? Is she contacting 'random men' she slept with? Did they use contraception and how high a chance was there of it failing at the time?

You're not endearing yourself to poster by calling them jerks. Most of us are trying to help, but leaving out the emotion.

Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 13:53

bunnypenny · 10/08/2024 13:35

If you get a DNA test and you want it to be recognised by the Courts you need to go through one of the accredited labs. Random internet ones won’t be accepted if you’re seeking to rely on them.

Accredited List

Thank you

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 10/08/2024 13:57

If you follow the Gov.uk link upthread and go to the getting a dna test for court page they list companies that they accept so I'd look into using one of those which you arrange yourself. Once that's done they can all move forward.

Amuseaboosh · 10/08/2024 13:58

Is the mother open to a DNA test?

If so, arrange this first. Cellmark are court approved www.cellmark.co.uk/dna-testing/paternity-dna-test/

Get the DNA test witnessed for integrity. A GP will do this or a Solicitor.

Then, once you have the results. Make these 2 applications to the court:

If you want a spend time with arrangement, make a C100 application.

Your son, if he is the father, needs to make a C63, a Declaration of Parentage application to Court. File your application with the DNA test and integrity document. Then, wait to hear back from the Court. You can file the application as urgent. The court will decide if it's actually urgent or not and list a hearing accordingly.

Amuseaboosh · 10/08/2024 14:00

Also, ask her if she has named a father on the birth certificate. You'd be surprised!

If your son is the father, for parental responsibility, he needs to be attached to the birth certificate. This is what the C63 will do in part.

MessyNeate · 10/08/2024 14:09

Wow op some of the replies on this thread!!!

As someone who's been there. I was 39, son was 18. We only found out a few weeks before baby was born because mum didn't want her family to know so kept the secret all to herself

I paid for a dna test. We swabbed inside babies cheek, swabbed DS's cheek, I think I paid around £300.

Result was very clear and took a few days,

You'd have to travel to baby.

I think you're doing the right thing, don't worry about any other potential fathers, that's on them if they want to pay for a dna test,

We inevitably didn't want to fall in love with this little baby boy if he wasn't ours, he is ours, and I think once we met him we knew, he had a few distinct family features, he's 4 now and I have a great relationship with him and his mum!

Becoming a grandma at 39 was a shock

But now I find it amusing when I tell people ima grandma 😁

Zonder · 10/08/2024 14:17

Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 13:53

Thank you

Show quote history

You're getting so much stick on here from people who either have poor comprehension or are projecting feelings on to you. I think you and your DS are being very sensible about this.

Fifiesta · 10/08/2024 14:18

I so wish that A) Posters would read the OP properly, followed by the updates.

                  B) Make a genuine attempt at putting yourself in the position of the people concerned, unexpected difficult news happens, and when it does, all we can do is try to navigate our way through it, thinking clearly, getting advice, and behaving as calmly as possible.

                  C) Really wish it was mandatory for posters to have initials of country they live in next to username. It would save so many misunderstandings in threads about laws etc.

OP I hope this can be resolved by the families concerned with grace and cooperation.

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