Urgent advice possibly have a grandchild

[Candystardaisy87]

Hi all , I'm going to get straight to the point here
This is specifically aimed at those of you in the know about this subject, factual info only please.
Social workers, those that work within the law ? Or those who have actually been through something similar and can share thier own experiences of this would be very helpful.

My son has arrived home for the summer from university, he has just been informed that he could be the father of a child.
The baby has already been born.
The mother of the baby lives very far away from us .
There is a possibility the baby could be his , however there are also 2 other potential fathers of this baby.
As soon as my son found out there could be a possibility he acted so supportive and mature ( hes 19) he is desperate to find out if he is this baby's biological father, as so am I.
This is obviously not the most ideal situation, however neither of us cares , we just want to know if this baby is our child/ grandchild so we can support the baby , be part of its life and support mum of need be.
Please advise us where we go from here , how do we go about getting a dna test ? Not an internet ordered one. We want a proper dna test through the courts etc. My son is saying he is determined not to let this child down and be part of its life however we need to know for certain before we go any further.
I would appreciate any advice given, than you.

My gosh there's some mental replies on here!! You sound brilliant and so does your son. Good for him and you for wanting to find out if this his child and to be there to support. I've been through the unexpected grandparent scenario. I would just support him in respectfully approaching the mum, asking for a DNA test for the baby - if he had been in a relationship with the mum that ended because she cheated it's a fair request. Nothing should have to end up in court. If it does and the court for some reason won't accept your result cross that bridge with the courts guidance.

I understand where you are coming from , however I wont be judging her in this situation as it is not at all helpful. .
Were pushing our egos aside & thinking of the babys and her welfare right now. My sons obviously got alot going on but hes wanting to deal with it instead of running away. The fact that she has absolutely no support from her family really says alot to us about her previous home life which my son has now said she had told him she wasnt treated well by her family in the past at all.

Good for your son for wanting to do the right thing. Go to a court accredited dna test company. The baby's mother holds all the cards here. If you find out baby is your son's and she refuses access then you can go to court for potential access. Good luck

It's great that your son is helping but do be careful, she was unfaithful to him putting him at risk, if the baby is his this will affect his whole life and if its not then he's been shattered by the news anyway. Don't get drawn in too much until you have the test results, where are the other boys she slept with in all this.

Maybe think about what happens if he's not the dad, it's not fair on him to feel guilty , sad or responsible for her if his test is negative.

Don't get drawn in too much until you have the test results, where are the other boys she slept with in all

This is very sensible.

Are there two other mums of sons, like you, dealing with this angst?

Use one of the accredited tests. Make sure the results come to your son, not her (or to both your son and her, but definitely not to just her).

You and your son sound like lovely people who want to do the right thing. Good on you.

Apparently there is one lad she cannot get hold of the other has told her he isnt interested

Why are people disparaging this mother for trying to assist her son in doing the right thing.

if he is the father, he needs to establish paternity. There is no other moral course of action. If he doesn’t take steps to check if the baby is his, he is a bad person. If he isn’t the father, that will be ruled out and he can move on with his life knowing he did his due diligence.

what happens after paternity is established is up for the parents of the child to negotiate. The father cant take 50:50
custody of an infant. They will need to work out a parenting schedule that is in the child’s best interests. The father will also need to find some way to provide financial support, even if he is a student because again, it’s the only moral thing to do. Both are many steps away and may not even be something this young man needs to worry about.

Has your son asked the mother if she would agree to a DNA test voluntarily?

Thank you !!

Yes she has agreed, however it will be left entirely up to us (my son and I to arrange/ visit her and baby) she hasnt the money to travel or pay for a test

He wont be feeling guilty about not being the biological father of this child. He will go back to being a typical 19 year old university student enjoying his life and put it all behind him. We will wish them both well and move on

OP you and your son are handling this with so much kindness and empathy towards the mother. It’s really commendable. I hope you can get the DNA test sorted quickly so you have some clarity one way or another.

You don't need to travel to her to get a DNA test done, you can arrange to have it done through your GP and have her get the baby's test done through hers. Social workers know this, she should have already had this discussion with them.
It doesn't involve sending any money to her, just the test sent to her GP.

Ask her if she's now got contraception sorted.
3 possible fathers, that not nice gor the baby.

I th

That's none of my business so no I wont be asking such a personal question... I'm not her mother

Not the same situation at all however I ended up in mediation with my ex .. He said in mediation . Ex Mil was taking me to court for acccess ( she hadn’t even asked ) but another tale - He was told that contact with grandparents u in s usually discussed after contact with parent is established .
will he be closer when he returns to uni or further away .

The fact she is agreeable to DNA test is great news . It makes everything whatever the result easier

🙄

She has told us that she hasnt named any father on the birth certificate

The comment was uncalled for but I do hope you have suggested to your son he visits a sexual health clinic.

@Candystardaisy87
You and your son sound amazing people.
Well done for trying to do the best you can.
I hope it all works out well for your son whatever the result maybe.

You also sound like an awesome mom.

I'm glad there are people like you out there.

Totally agree

I think, for your own sake and to be sure, you should order a DNA test kit from one of the approved providers, then arrange with the mum to travel there and collect the DNA from the child. You then send that off, with DNA from your son, and await the results. Get the results sent to your son.

Don't spend too long engaging with the mum and her child. It will make it hard for you all if the child is not your son's.

I know she lives a long way away so you might have to spend a night in a travelodge or something.