Urgent advice possibly have a grandchild

[Candystardaisy87]

Hi all , I'm going to get straight to the point here
This is specifically aimed at those of you in the know about this subject, factual info only please.
Social workers, those that work within the law ? Or those who have actually been through something similar and can share thier own experiences of this would be very helpful.

My son has arrived home for the summer from university, he has just been informed that he could be the father of a child.
The baby has already been born.
The mother of the baby lives very far away from us .
There is a possibility the baby could be his , however there are also 2 other potential fathers of this baby.
As soon as my son found out there could be a possibility he acted so supportive and mature ( hes 19) he is desperate to find out if he is this baby's biological father, as so am I.
This is obviously not the most ideal situation, however neither of us cares , we just want to know if this baby is our child/ grandchild so we can support the baby , be part of its life and support mum of need be.
Please advise us where we go from here , how do we go about getting a dna test ? Not an internet ordered one. We want a proper dna test through the courts etc. My son is saying he is determined not to let this child down and be part of its life however we need to know for certain before we go any further.
I would appreciate any advice given, than you.

Well said @Fifiesta

@Candystardaisy87 I’m sorry that I can not provide any useful advice about DNA testing etc. I just wanted to say that I think some have given you a rough ride on this thread.

As the mother of teens myself, I think you to doing the absolute best thing in helping your DS navigate a really tricky situation. I wish you all the very best.

Thank you for this:)

I don’t know why people are being so harsh with you, OP. Of course you and your son want to know if he’s the father, and it reflects well on him that he’s dealing head-on with the situation.

So many harsh replies!

Your DS sounds like he is doing the right thing. Getting a DNA test should be fairly simple as the ex is open to it, just make sure it is a reputable one and take it from there.

And let us know the results as I am now way too invested in the outcome 😂

I've had some helpful replies , thank you for those. In regards to the dna testing , we are willing to pay for this as she has told us she has no money and very little support. I'm just wondering what happens if she lives far away ? Will she need to attend the gp in her area for testing? Or would we need to visit them?

I am commending you and your son for wanting what is in the best interests of the baby and mother; that is something that cannot be assumed or taken for granted( I talk from experience). I haven't read any of the posts knocking the parents, don't want to either; shame on those who have done so

Genuine question- what happens if the mother refuses to have the DNA test done.
Se cannot put the man’s name on the birth certificate without him being present as they aren’t married.

Would this then have to go through the courts ?

Not of course at all….it wasn’t clear in your OP. Is the mother willing to assist with the DNA test?

Your poor son must be all over the place, having this bombshell dropped upon him. He sounds like an absolute credit to you and you sound really supportive which is what he needs. I hope you get some answers soon OP.

Social workers frequent the adoption board I would move your post to that board for correct advice from people who know.

I’m pretty sure that she can just go to her local GP.

Yes!

I don't even think he needs to have a court approved dna test right now. Any dna test would show if he is the father or not, if court was needed down the line, it could surely be redone with the original as supporting evidence.it sounds like she is open to testing, contact and support. Keep everything friendly make a plan once results are in.

OP Respect to you and your son

@Candystardaisy87

Is there someone who can help her with what she needs in terms of accommodation and money, OP?

You say that she has no money and I'm concerned that this means that she and the baby have nowhere to live.

The mum is contacting all the men she's had sex with because she's hard up and wants child maintenance. She clearly didn't give a moment's consideration to the trauma this could bring to 3 (or more) men and waited until the baby arrived when she realised she had no money.

We dont know what contraception she/they were using but I think she should have some idea of who the father might be, unless she was having sex with 3 men in very quick succession.

I feel sorry for your son as this woman doesn't come over as considerate .

Sorry OP you will never win against Mumsnet hypocrisy. If he’d said he wanted nothing to do with the child he would be castigated. If he wants to do the right thing his motives are questioned. Good on him for wanting to be the best Dad he can.

Yep it's always the same on here! Men can never ever win. He wants to be involved you ask for advice he is still slated. It annoys me so so much!

@Candystardaisy87

I wonder whether the service offered by King's College could be the one for you, OP. It sounds as though the baby's mother would be open to discussion about this possibility.

It says: "a sampling kit [can be] sent to a medical professional of your choice".

I'm wondering whether both your son and the baby's mother could make an appointment with their respective GPs to say that this is something they need to do, so that the GPs can agree to having the tests delivered to their surgeries. In the case of the mother, this may open the door to the support she needs in other respects; it doesn't sound as though things are going very well for her.

https://www.kcl.ac.uk/forensics/accredited-services/dna-analysis-kings

Just get an approved test to find out to start with. If he’s going to be acknowledges s father you can repeat one on the future if needed, but keep everyone on side and make it as easy as possible atm, you can do one pretty quickly. You don’t need a court one unless fighting for custody which doesn’t sound like is the case here so just find out if he is the father to start with with one of the suggestions here.

Apologies if that came across as rude. I didnt mean it to. I kind of meant for us to want to go as far as paternity testing I would had to hear the news directly from the mother herself

Thank you, I am not sure how to move the thread?

I was really concerned about her welfare too. I've had a chat with her & the council have just found her & the baby a place. I think the reason she has a social worker is because she has no support from her family whatsoever . Poor girl, I really feel for her.

No criticism here, you and your son sound like you’re taking a really great stance on all this- well done!

I’m about to be a mum for the first time at 38, grandparent at one year older is blowing my mind!

good luck op, I hope it all works out for you- do keep us updated if you can.