Urgent advice possibly have a grandchild

[Candystardaisy87]

Hi all , I'm going to get straight to the point here
This is specifically aimed at those of you in the know about this subject, factual info only please.
Social workers, those that work within the law ? Or those who have actually been through something similar and can share thier own experiences of this would be very helpful.

My son has arrived home for the summer from university, he has just been informed that he could be the father of a child.
The baby has already been born.
The mother of the baby lives very far away from us .
There is a possibility the baby could be his , however there are also 2 other potential fathers of this baby.
As soon as my son found out there could be a possibility he acted so supportive and mature ( hes 19) he is desperate to find out if he is this baby's biological father, as so am I.
This is obviously not the most ideal situation, however neither of us cares , we just want to know if this baby is our child/ grandchild so we can support the baby , be part of its life and support mum of need be.
Please advise us where we go from here , how do we go about getting a dna test ? Not an internet ordered one. We want a proper dna test through the courts etc. My son is saying he is determined not to let this child down and be part of its life however we need to know for certain before we go any further.
I would appreciate any advice given, than you.

She can’t anyway unless he was there .

Impossible.

Mothers who are not married when a baby is born cannot just "name a father". The law states that if the parents are not married, BOTH have to go to the registrar. The father has to acknowledge paternity to be put on the birth certificate. The reasons for this are blindingly obvious, can you imagine the implications if the law allowed women to name whoever they liked as the father of their child???

Can I just say how lovely it is to see how you have raised your son, a lot of young lads would have left mum to it, I hope you find out the truth soon and move on as a family

Thank you for this , although I cannot take all of the credit , he has a good father too. We split when he was a toddler however always managed to stay friends. We were very young when we had him but just both grew up and got on with it. I've always made an effort to have a good relationship with the grandparents also which helps especially when your a young parent.

I think I feel for her as I also had no support from my parents when I had my son , so that's one of the reasons I wont be judging her , it's very hard when your own parents arnt around or supportive. Unless you have been through that yourself it's very hard to explain how lonely it is. I was fortunate to have my sons father around. Were trying to not get too involved and now just going to only msg when we have the dna test all arranged and keep it a bit factual. Although this evening she has sent my son more photos of the baby and it really does look like him

Probably best way forward would be to arrange DNA test with accredited lab and travel down to where the girl lives. Stay a few days and get the test done. Depending on the results you son can move forward appropriately

This.
Visit with your son to see the girl and the baby to check out how her story adds up.

Get yourself a kit and take the baby's sample yourself. Don't trust anyone else to do it on your behalf.

Keep things amiable until you know more.

Based on your updates it looks as if this young woman really wants your son to be the father. She's putting him under pressure simply by sending baby pics.
And also that the other two men don't want any more to do with her (one's gone AWOL.)

Given she's all alone and you've also stepped up, being a kindly face for her, I'd be very very careful and ensure any DNA tests are done 100% correctly because it's obvious what result she wants. He's her 'best bet' for support and she knows you care too.

Although your son sounds caring, this is going to change his life forever if he is the dad. Maintaining some kind of relationship at 19 when she's at the other end of the country and he has no job is going to be very hard.

I really don't get some of these comments. Jeez!

I have no advice op, but I wish you both the best, what ever the outcome.

@Candystardaisy87

I think that the ideal solution will be to delay any meeting up until after the DNA results have come in, Candystar. Meeting her at this stage will be an emotional experience and you and your son will feel very strange about it later if testing shows that another man is the actual father.

As the King's DNA test I mentioned can be done by your local GP, I think that you should speak to King's on 020 7848 4130 on Monday to ask about setting up two individual tests, one for your son and one for the baby. They will probably want to speak to your son and to the baby's mother, of course.

Once the DNA test has been done separately and the results have been received, you can make arrangements to meet up if your son is, indeed, the baby's father.

And more than a few older lads in their 30s and 40s who’ve behaved with less maturity and grace.

The son really is a credit to OP.

It sounds like you are all doing the best in the situation. Get the DNA test done before you meet the baby. At least she said there is a good change your DS isn't the father. A friend of mine at uni thought a baby was his until she was 6 months when the girl told him there was a chance it wasn't. He was honestly devastated.

I wouldn't meet the baby until you know.

If she applies for CM or he applies for contact etc. a court can order one.

Other than that she’d need to give permission.

Sending him photos of the baby isn't great, he could easily become attached to the baby even if he's not the dad. She had plenty of time during her pregnancy to get in touch but didn't and its good he is so caring but personally I would try and keep any emotions out until the test is done and you get the results. Is she sending messages and photos to the other men, are they doing paternity tests too.

Until you have the results from a trusted DNA test I would suggest you and your son do nothing unless it related to a paternity DNA test. All contact to be related to the DNA test and nothing else until the results are known. When paternity is assigned to your son then start doing things, if paternity is not assigned to your son then it will be far easier for all for you to drop conact with her and her child. If your son turns out to be not the faher it still helps the mother as she now knows its down to one of the two others.

Just wanted to give you some support. This happened to my friend who became a grandmother at 40. She was very upset as she'd drilled into her son the importance of contraception (as she'd had him at 20 with no partner) but ....it happened.
DNA was done, baby was his and both he and my friend and her husband (not sons father) were all very supportive to both mum and child. Child is now 10 and son went on to marry and have another child with his wife. All is well. The half sisters have a lovely relationship and my friend has both of them once a week when she's not working. Parents co parent well. I hope it all works out for you all.

I agree that there should be as little contact as possible until the DNA is done.

I know everyone says the son is being very mature. I can see that. On the one hand it commendable, on the other hand, his age may mean he doesn't appreciate the enormity of what could lie ahead. It's not as if this relationship was happy and going somewhere. She's an ex who chose to drag 3 men into this DNA scenario very late in the day. One is nowhere to be found and the other doesn't want to know. Just tread carefully is the way to go.