To think that couples getting married are overly criticised by other people?

[DebateWithMoi]

I just feel like couples getting married can't get anything right,

Before the day the guest list is scrutinised, the wedding party, the delegation of work, where they've chosen to get married, the cost etc ( this is a big one, lots of guests moan about the cost to attend a wedding but would they rather not be invited then? It's a wedding and it's costing the bride and groom or bride and bride / groom and groom also ), the food variety etc when asked to pick a meal. I am at an age lots of people are getting married around me and I have also and people can't help but make comments. Often they aren't directly to the couple but around them, to others etc. It seems what is meant to be such a lovely day is often picked apart for no good reason. Out of interest have you ever yourself or ever heard anyone moan about the following:

-the food
-kids / no kids
-which part of the day you're invited to
-the choice of wedding location
-the cost
-the seating plan
-your or someone else not being a part or a wedding party when you suspected they would be
-rhe music
-the weather ( this one gets me! )
-the temperature of the venue
-the seating plan
-hiw the brdiesmaids looked
-the order of the day
-the organisation of the day
-anything else

I list the above because they're all moans I've heard!

There's a breathtaking arrogance about this thread OP.

People like what they like and dislike what they don't, and if they want to have a moan about it because they had a shit time, that's entirely their right.

It doesn't matter how much you spent on you and your 11 bridesmaids, you can't please everyone but nor can you prevent them from moaning.

It's not however rude about the wedding. It's a petty gripe about her own choice of hotel - nowt to do with the B&G (unless of course they insisted she stayed there, which I doubt)

It's such a stunningly unusual extra on a hotel bill - why shouldn't she chat to her DBro, about that, or anything else that's been going on recently.

Loads of people share petty gripes. AIBU couldn't exist without them!

I mostly don't enjoy weddings these days. I appreciate how much effort and money are spent on these things. However, in my opinion, it is spent on the wrong things. Making it photographable and nice for Instagram does nothing to make the experience better for your guests. People want to be fed, watered and entertained. If you're going off for 2 hours having photos taken and leaving your guests to mill about, it will be shit for them. If the speeches go on forever it will be shit. If you're making people wait hours on end for what will inevitably be some form of roast dinner followed by cheesecake, profiteroles or sticky toffee pudding that has been plated and sat sweating in a catering oven for hours, will undoubtedly be a stingy portion but will probably taste of very little anyway, it will be shit.

Don't make stupid demands. Don't prioritise chair bows and flowers over your guests, preferably choose a venue that has a good atmosphere as opposed to one which just looks pretty on photos and for which you don't need to remortgage your house when buying a round of drinks, and for the love of christ don't send a money poem.

Quite.
Not sure why a B&G would even know about it, let alone be bothered by it.

When you sit with your siblings, over a number of hours, you chat about all sorts of things. That isn't complaining about, or criticising the wedding. Seems like you are looking for offence there.

Sometimes couples spend a huge amount of money on wedding frills without giving their guest’s experience any real consideration. People can’t force themselves to enjoy something when they’re hungry and have to stand around doing nothing for ages or struggle to buy overpriced drinks

This.
Also the comment from a pp about the photography. I hired a photographer to record our wedding, I wouldn't be impressed with the more recent fashion of the photographer running the show and taking the B&G away for 90mins or so whilst guests don't get to see the couple and get to stand around bored and hungry.

This is my experience of any wedding I've been involved with. They inevitably turn someone bananas, no matter the cost, the size etc. Could the bride, groom, parents, siblings, a portion of the guest list - someone's brain will crack on the process. Make a game of it and try and guess who or why.

I think that a lot of weddings impose on the guests.

It's not really the fault of the hosts particularly, so many common practices in weddings are just an imposition.

In a lot of cases they are probably too big - people can't really afford the kind of event they are having, so elements don't work.

But then there is often an expectation of travel, expectation of a significant gift, sometimes they ask outright for money!!, and sometimes all this from people who they aren't all that close to. Even the bridal parties are expected to give up a lot of time and money.

In the mean time, the couple are sometimes spending rafts of money on other things. It starts to feel like - why are they not having a smaller event they can afford instead of asking all these people to shell out of their own pockets?

And the other thing is - in a lot of cases these are people who have been effectively married for years, committed, often with kids, with established households. The traditional reasons for the whole thing - to get a new couple started off in a household, to signal social acceptance of them as a couple, religious reasons - don't apply.

I think we'd see people more enthusiastic if the whole edifice was scaled back to events that are really within budget - more like what was typical in the first half of the 20th century, and if weddings marked the start of the formation of a new household and family.

Also - wedding speeches really are dire. People need to learn to limit them, one speech, not too long. And the whole waiting around while the couple gets photos is very rude.

People always moan which I'd a shame as I love a wedding.

I've only moaned about a child free wedding when my children were quite young. All family at the wedding so ended up paying for 15 hours of childcare for 2 children. Spent the wedding fielding Qs about why we hadn't brought the children and then the bridal party complained when we left after the meal so we could be honme by midnight for the childcare.

I didn't care that it was child free. I did care that we spent a fortune on childcare to be told by guests we were selfish for not bringing the children and by the bridal party for not leaving our children alone over night.

Yes. I think what people need to realize is that if the budget is tight, they need to plan accordingly. One option is a very small number of people. Or - time it so there is no need for a full meal.

I had some friends who married with very little money when young, but huge families. They had a morning wedding, reception fell before lunch, and it was a stand up do with lots of little finger things and unlimited pink champagne. Some family had to travel but it was a location that was as central as possible for all.

It was very simple but very nice.

I think this is because couples have usually cohabited for some time before getting married. This is a good thing in many ways but it does sap a lot of the real meaning out of it and really makes it just a party. It won’t materially change anything about the way they are living. So people have to spend more to make it more meaningful.

The "big traditional;" wedding isn't really that traditional.

For most people the tradition if you go back more than a generation was much more modest.

To reduce the angst for guests:

• don't have a long list of requirements
• don't get annoyed or upset if someone can't attend, regardless of their reason
• don't have it somewhere and expect people to spend a fortune of their own money; if there are big costs attached make sure people know well in advance and that they know they are free to decline with no judgement or upset
• don't ask for expensive gifts or expect money gifts; only make suggestions if asked about them

Whilst I know some guests can be annoying and complaining, I also think do brides and grooms also forget that if they are inviting guests then they should be treated as guests, not props for their big day

This is a horrible way to talk about what takes a great amount of planning and effort and money from the couple.

The length of time to plan and the amount of money spent is entirely the couple's choice though.
You can have a wedding that is organised in a few short weeks costing very little.

If someone is daft enough to blow £20k on a wedding, money they probably have to borrow most if the time, then that's on them.

Sadly £20k doesn't mean that your guests shouldn't be able to grumble privately if they want if they've been served rubbish food or been made to wait hours between ceremony and food/drinks due to 1000s of photographs that will be rarely looked at after the first year.

One of the meals I complained about - privately to dh/parents - was the veggie option I got where the plastic wrap from a microwaved meal was still on my plate! And that was one where a silly amount had been spent on the couple's big day. It wasn't money well spent. I reckon I'm allowed to complain to dh if the food I'm being served is of this level!

traditional wedding

A traditional wedding isn't what most couples seem to have, not if they're spending £20k
A traditional wedding would be a church service and a local venue for food for the closer family and some friends.

A traditional church wedding with reception in parents' backyard, if you're going full Country Life, can be £20k++. DIY and marquees tend to cost as much, if not more, than a full service hotel / country house do. A pub afterwards or village hall may be cheaper.

I can’t stand weddings so if I’m ever invited to one I decline the invitation. I’d only make an exception for a close family member.

Most weddings are self indulgent nonsense that result in multiple fallings out. Life is too short.

Most weddings are self indulgent nonsense that result in multiple fallings out. Life is too short.

Not in my family, dh's family, or the families of any wedding I have ever been involved in.
I love reading a wedding thread, (and various wedding groups on FB) but many of them are so far removed from my reality that it is like watching a drama on TV - interesting to peer at, but nothing like my reality.

I enjoy going to the weddings I go to. No drama. Lots of time to spend with people I love.

I've been to some lovely weddings where I've had a wonderful time. I've also been to a few that were dull or wildly inconvenient for guests and on those occasions I will admit that I have moaned a bit afterwards, albeit privately to my DH.

I don't think it's right to criticise the couple getting married just because their choice of food, venue, entertainment etc isn't to your particular taste. Different strokes and all that. But if people have taken time off work, organised childcare, spent a significant amount of money and/or travelled a considerable distance to attend an event then that inevitably comes with certain expectations. Perhaps the more expense and inconvenience they incur the more likely they are to find that it doesn't live up to their expectations.

Of you read some threads on here a lot of falling out happens prior to the wedding. You have the bride and grooms expectations and guests who are sidelined.

Weddings are out of control!!

You don’t need to spend 20K because then it becomes about the favours, flowers and cake and not about the 2 people getting married.

Im happy to attend any wedding, but I won’t fork out a fortune to stay for 2 days, buy a gift, attend an overseas venue - especially when the couple have legally wed in the UK first!!!

I think couples overestimate their guests interest.

Of you read some threads on here a lot of falling out happens prior to the wedding. You have the bride and grooms expectations and guests who are sidelined.

True, but remember people post on here (or on other forums) because there is an issue and they want a reality check. All the hundreds of thousands of people that get married ever year without any drama, don't tend to start a thread saying "All the plans for the wedding are going smoothly. My MiL 2B is just so lovely the way she is balancing supporting us without interfering. My Bridesmaid is lovely - not over bearing but so supportive when I want a chat. Everyone replied to the invitation by the date we asked them to. etc etc."

Just the same as in 'Relationships', people post when there are problems, and it gives a very skewed view of what a relationship is like because all the people in happy relationships don't post there.

I think the problem is that no one is anywhere near as interested in you wedding as you are but everyone is expected to be.

People resent the time, money and headspace which they demand from others. I couldn't care less fundamentally how people want to get married, let them knock themselves out.

But attending a wedding as a guest routinely costs hundreds of pounds, eats into valuable annual leave, requires people to find additional babysitters, causes diplomatic rows between family members and friends and involves eye-stabbingly boring conversations about place mats and table settings and bridesmaid's dresses and renders people incapable of thinking or talking about anything else. For months and months.

I don't dislike weddings in theory but in practice they are just a huge vortex into which people's sanity disappears and for that reason alone they nause me out.

At some point weddings changed from a celebration with nice food and drink with family and friends to a show of (supposed) wealth, cosplaying as a princess, and being concerned about how pictures look.

Back when I was young if people had destination weddings they just fucked off and came back married; kids were always invited; you’d always give plus ones; you didn’t have people paying for drinks.

The best weddings ensure guests have a great experience - they aren’t all about the bride and groom pretending they’re The Beckhams.

I also wonder how much the change in expectations about travel contributes?

At one time, people moved away less often. And even when they did - most people did not travel far to weddings or funerals. It was too expensive.

There now seems to be a real expectation of travel in many cases, and it's very expensive.

In fact weddings really can be a huge expense for guests. Which they may not feel easily able to meet.