To think that couples getting married are overly criticised by other people?

[DebateWithMoi]

I just feel like couples getting married can't get anything right,

Before the day the guest list is scrutinised, the wedding party, the delegation of work, where they've chosen to get married, the cost etc ( this is a big one, lots of guests moan about the cost to attend a wedding but would they rather not be invited then? It's a wedding and it's costing the bride and groom or bride and bride / groom and groom also ), the food variety etc when asked to pick a meal. I am at an age lots of people are getting married around me and I have also and people can't help but make comments. Often they aren't directly to the couple but around them, to others etc. It seems what is meant to be such a lovely day is often picked apart for no good reason. Out of interest have you ever yourself or ever heard anyone moan about the following:

-the food
-kids / no kids
-which part of the day you're invited to
-the choice of wedding location
-the cost
-the seating plan
-your or someone else not being a part or a wedding party when you suspected they would be
-rhe music
-the weather ( this one gets me! )
-the temperature of the venue
-the seating plan
-hiw the brdiesmaids looked
-the order of the day
-the organisation of the day
-anything else

I list the above because they're all moans I've heard!

just be respectful enough to try to make the most of it given the 20k debt

What the actual........ this is utter insanity!!

But that’s the point why would you want to waste 20k on something you know damn well people are going to complain about or find dull or dusty and boring. Unless it’s genuinely your dream wedding and to hell with the guests your just wasting money.

You could do a wedding on so much less than 20k debt and it be much more fun and relaxed and enjoyable.

It’s the stuffiness of the perfect must be the social event of the year tick box Instagram wedding the marriage gets overlooked the fun gets overlooked for the picture perfect.

It's only on Mumsnet though, isn't it?
I adore a wedding, and have never been to a disappointing one. Admittedly I have never been to one without a free bar or one where the food runs low.
I wouldn't accept an invitation to the evening 'do' as that kind of highlights you are not important to the couple, but other than that I have been to ceremonies of 12 up to 320 and everything in between, and loved every minute.
I don't understand why you would accept an invite if all you do is moan about the occasion.

That's why I don't go!
👍

This! No one cares about or really pays much attention to the photo booth, the giant illuminated 'Mrs & Mrs' letters, the chocolate fountain, the chair sashes...
However they will remember that they were fed one warburtons roll with a small piece of dry pork inside after being at the reception for about 5 hours 😡 (yes I'm still bitter!)

In fairness, I've never heard all that much grumbling in real life or really grumbled myself except when the catering has been really poor. Personally I think guests should be properly fed and watered, taking into account the time of day and length of the reception.
This means compromises sometimes on the extras mentioned above or the number of people invited, but cutting corners on the food and drink is just a bit shit for the guests really so they're entitled to grumble!

I've been to loads of weddings and loved them all! Either I'm really laid back or I have very considerate friends and family! I love the opportunity to catch up with people, have a day out of routine with my own family, and to see how it's all put together.

I can only think of a few complaints from all the weddings I've ever been to:

• at one, the venue was far too big for the numbers in attendance
• at another, the best man made offensive comments in his speech
• at another, the MOH turned up at the last minute looking creased, crinkled and generally disinterested

The last wedding we were invited to had a complicated rule about DCs so we sent polite apologies and a small gift and didn't go.

I love a fun wedding. Where children are blowing bubbles and the brides actually genuinely having a good time not trying to squish in every guest as a must but where it flows nicely. Where the best photos are the organic photos after the walking the isle types.

Where there is fun actual fun. Where people’s feet are tired from wanting to dance and everyone’s ended up bare foot, some children are now in pjs/comfy clothes having fun rather than stuck in the princess dresses that are often uncomfortable all night long just for the pictures. The oldies putting the younger to shame on the dance floor showing off their moves rather then stuck in the corner table.

I've moaned (privately) about the seating plan. Everything else I have accepted.

Oh me too!

It's not about commanding respect it's about the reality that for some people they get swept along and do spend this much. A venue these days with rooms if family is spread out is about 12k, food and dj, extras like flowers, your dress, the suits, the ceremonies legal bits can easily become 20k. I didn't get a penny towards my wedding, infact my inlaws offered money and thrn withdrew it as they wanted to treat themselves to something. I wanted a big day and spent about 18k, just because you don't respect that doesn't give the right to slag off the wedding. The fact is still that someone's paid it and you've made it to an awfully expensive guest list.

Please don't though, it's so hard to make these decisions to benefit everyone.

You sound like a wonderful guest and equipped with very good manners! X

Im at an age when most i know get divorced. Ive been to a few big weddings which I absolutely loathed. Too much fuss, expensive and they’re not together anymore.

best wedding i went to was last year (my best friend’s daughter)1000 yr old church, quiet pub over the road with a buffet, a choir singing, the grooms aunt was the vicar, friends singing, another was an opera singer. Absolutely beautiful! It was also the christening of their son. It was family only and myself and my husband were the only non family guests. It was magical.

a real wedding in my eyes.

This.

And the marrying couple generally already are living together with finances entangled, and often children. At that point marriage is not a huge "life transition," it's ho-hum. Why make a big deal about the anticlimax? And make guests lose a whole day mostly standing around or consuming mediocre food and drink.

I agree with all of that about the extras except the grumbling, I'd feel awful if I grumbled about a wedding of a couple who had invited me. Its the best day of their lives. Imagine noticing aunty's Cathy's face looking fucked off at the food or cousin Jean fucking off straight after the first dance without even an attempt to have a good time. It's so so rude, I've been at weddings with a migraine before and put a smile on my face.

I dunno, I think moans can be pretty legitimate if they ignore the fundamental enjoyment of their guests.

My friend had the lovely idea of putting a bridesmaid or groomsman on every table - as a result we were sat with one friend, and the other half of the table was some arsehole uncle who spent the meal belittling his stepson.

Why we couldn't have been sat with a tale of our friends I don't know.

Sounds beautiful, nothing wrong with this type of wedding either :)

Sometimes this is because you're group might get on but certain family members don't so everyone gets mixed up without the divide of certain guests being obvious. My cousin had to do this to keep an aunt away from her husband who had cheated and the other woman. It meant I was sat with her poor aunt. I was more than happy to eat my meal with her, I was listening to the toasts and speeches anyway.

The fact is still that someone's paid it and you've made it to an awfully expensive guest list.

Listen, don't invite people if you can't afford it. It's not rocket science. Guests won't be grateful you invited them if they have to wait hours for not-great food and have to pay for drinks.

But again, I don't go anymore. For exactly this reason. Don't make me feel like you're doing me a favour inviting me. Spending shitloads of cash is the couple's choice.

Yes very true! I know a girl at the moment who is absolutely evil about a wedding she's invited to of someone who is supposedly her friend, it's bizarre!

It's what it costs when you have a huge family! I spent 18k, it was all family and ten friends. I had 11 bridesmaids- why you ask? Because they'd all had me and we grew up together! I don't resent the cost at all, it was an amazing big day. I'd have been devastated if anyone slagged it off though! The planning thar went knto it was insane.

Sounds amazing and I'm sure you all had a fabulous time but some people like the traditional weddings too and that is okay.

Ah, @MissAtomicBomb1 did you go to one of the many hog roast catered weddings? There’s never enough food. But it’s usually a way to cater for more like £15 per head rather than a £40 per head sit down meal.

mass catering costs. A lot.

I enjoy weddings - maybe I’ve been lucky, all of them have been fun and well planned, so even if the photos took a while, the couple made sure there was ample food/drink/entertainment to keep guests happy.

It isn't that easy though, lots of people get engaged and want to do a big traditional wedding. I wanted mine before my grandma got too old to attend ( or maybe wouldn't be with us anymore ) and also wanted a baby post wedding as I knew we would prioritise different things after and never get married so we had a short ish deadline to pay for it and get it done. I wasn't about to say 'I can't afford it so certain family members aren't coming' it was a wonderful day and is now all paid for. I don't regret it, but I do think people shouldn't moan about it or fail to appreciate the effort.