To think that couples getting married are overly criticised by other people?

[DebateWithMoi]

I just feel like couples getting married can't get anything right,

Before the day the guest list is scrutinised, the wedding party, the delegation of work, where they've chosen to get married, the cost etc ( this is a big one, lots of guests moan about the cost to attend a wedding but would they rather not be invited then? It's a wedding and it's costing the bride and groom or bride and bride / groom and groom also ), the food variety etc when asked to pick a meal. I am at an age lots of people are getting married around me and I have also and people can't help but make comments. Often they aren't directly to the couple but around them, to others etc. It seems what is meant to be such a lovely day is often picked apart for no good reason. Out of interest have you ever yourself or ever heard anyone moan about the following:

-the food
-kids / no kids
-which part of the day you're invited to
-the choice of wedding location
-the cost
-the seating plan
-your or someone else not being a part or a wedding party when you suspected they would be
-rhe music
-the weather ( this one gets me! )
-the temperature of the venue
-the seating plan
-hiw the brdiesmaids looked
-the order of the day
-the organisation of the day
-anything else

I list the above because they're all moans I've heard!

But that’s the point. Your actually wasting a fortune in cash and time for someone that most of the same is a repeat of a million other expensive yet dull weddings.

Best one I ever went to was a festival fairground one. Stay or leave or bring a tent for free. Fire pitas live bands, pizza vans, face painting for all. Buy booze or even bring your own.

Not the same ole same ole hotel wedding roast beef, bacon bap costly.

@DebateWithMoi but that's the couples choice.
They choose to do this and expect everyone else to be really happy that they get to spend the day, eating crap food and buying overpriced drinks.
Plus standing around while 100's of photos are taken.
There is nothing fun about being a guest.
Most people attend out of duty and not out of choice .

This one I'd go to. That sounds fun.

One thing that stands out to me is the word wedding is used ad nauseum.

Not marriage.

Focus is on an expensive party not a marriage.

I did not want the expensive wedding, I hate traditional wedding dresses, I do not like to spend money on anyone but my small family, so pointless relatives nope. My parents were minted, so no issue about money.

Don’t want to be gawped at. Find it all smaltzy. I did want to get married though, so registry office and dinner
for 10 at a hotel nearby, took pics there, job done. Wore a high- end silk summer dress and I was young so there was no reason not to have the full works, it would have been horrible for me, dh admitted he was so glad I did not want all that, so much easier to arrange.

But they are boring in parts. I’ve never been to a wedding that wasn’t.

Sooooo....... make it less formal and arrange for decent food to be served?

I went to a lovely one where the happy couple arranged entertainment for the guests as they knew the photos would take ages.
But in general I think a lot of weddings are planned to 'look' good and aren't actually much fun to attend.
I like the ones where it's close family and friends just getting together to genuinely celebrate a marriage, but obviously that's not as straightforward as it sounds with family baggage.

We got married a few months ago and honestly we had so many friends and family say it was one of the best wedding they’ve ever been too (we done a civil ceremony rather than a catholic wedding and for a lot of guests they wouldn’t be used to that at all). It didn’t start until the late afternoon and there was food on demand, we loved it and thank goodness so did a lot of guests…..my husbands family found plenty of reasons to complain though!! You’re so right you can never please everybody.

Weddings used to be in local church or registry office, followed by a knees up in the church hall or local hotel. Everyone was welcome, including kids. Unless you were super posh. Nowadays everything is about location, or destination and the photos, and sod your family and friends and how much they have to spend/how far you have to travel.

Mine was like that 😊
Ed to say as in our local church followed by knees up in a hotel.

In my opinion, if you’re having a wedding you need to take guests into consideration (that means budget, their comfort, whether they’ll need to take leave). If you’re not prepared to do that, elope.

A friend got married and they returned to their partner’s home town for the wedding. It meant a cross-country trip for us and a multiple night stay. That was always a possibility and travel and hotel costs for that wedding were reasonable and expected. My cousin, who has not moved away from home, 70% of their family live locally and their partner’s family all live locally, wanted exclusive use of a hotel so basically sent an invite with a line about call the hotel and pay for your room. Hotel costs were not expected for that and were unreasonable. Whilst I had to travel, I could have just stayed with a relative rather than having a two night stay in the hotel.

Whether these moans are reasonable or not depends on the scenario - consider a destination wedding to Italy. Scenario 1, one of the couple is from Italy, it’s reasonable to expect the wedding might be in Italy. Scenario 2, a couple from Bognor Regis wanting to get married in Italy for the gram and because it’s cheaper, not reasonable to expect everyone to pay to travel and accommodation. From the weddings I’ve been to like the first scenario, the couple have been really thankful that everyone made the trip and there was no pressure if you couldn’t. They hosted the weddings near accommodation including a range of budget friendly accommodation. The latter is usually pissed off that you can’t afford to attend, doesn’t thank guests for coming and it’s also likely involved a UK based hen do which was a weekend away and a 5 day trip to Europe hen do, and a bridal shower and an engagement party.

People used to get married, have a meal with their families and friends then everyone went home, there may have been a bit of a disco but now it's all about appearance. The wedding has to look just like some celebrity's nuptials without the realisation that the celebrity has very deep pockets and companies are falling over themselves to be associated with it!
I really believe that the cost of a wedding and the length of the marriage bear an inverse correlation!

I’ve been to two weddings where there weren’t enough meals. People had to go without.

One where you had to pay for drinks. I don’t drink alcohol anyway but it was a long day and they didn’t even provide tea or squash.

I find speeches cringe and there we two weddings where they played this weird game where they dragged the speeches out as long as possible while the guests are visibly wilting from hunger. I guess it was a ‘survival of the fittest’ type thing.

A few times the guests were clearly just props for photos.

DP and I always go for an all day breakfast before any wedding just to ensure our survival.

I think the key issue is whether the couple have been thoughtful about the guests. E.g. if you want lots of photos, make sure the guests have somewhere to go and have some food/ drink while that's happening. Don't force guests to wait around for ages. Or consider whether an all-day affair is really necessary. Make sure there's enough food and that it's suitable for all the guests. Don't expect expensive presents. Basically, don't make it all about you!

Can't reply to all the replies easily so I'll just respond here. I do get that some people find weddings boring but that's not what my post is about, infact the replies have kind of proven my point. People feel entitled to slag off something really expensive and difficult to plan ( even though some people insist that if the wedding was just tailored to suit them as a guest all would be will and forget the other 100 odd guests and their circumstances ) for the plethora of reasons given above. I'm not saying people have to love weddings, just be respectful enough to try to make the most of it given the 20k debt most will be in trying to deliver a big day, often one where for once everyone is in the same place too. It's nice to be dressed up and in the same room as your nan, your aunt, your cousin you haven't seen in 10 years and their kids etc - it's not nice to call weddings boring or say the food is crap.

I think the issue is that for many, weddings have become a performance rather than a celebration, so the experience of the guests comes almost last when in reality it’s the most important if you want a fun joyful day.

I would prioritise easy travel, nice food, and free drinks over a spectacular venue because I wanted it to be fun.

I’ve been to weddings where we’ve been left in the scorching heat with one Pimms for two hours whilst the bride and groom have a load of self indulgent photos, where you get a single Paris goblet of wine during the meal but the top table were poured top ups constantly, ruinously expensive hotel bars where no drinks were paid for etc.

When you treat guests as props it’s no wonder there’s resentment.

I spent my whole childhood, teenage years and twenties going to weddings nearly every spring and summer and sometimes 2 weddings a weekend! Festivities during the weekdays too. Parents dragged me - they are really sociable!
I hate weddings so much I got married in a registrar's office in the afternoon and went to work before and after. Told my parents months later.
I didn't care who was upset.

People moan about anything, doesn't mean much.

Dragged 2 witnesses off the street as well.

People feel entitled to slag off something really expensive and difficult to plan

Yes of course they do!

Neither the expense nor the complexity are directly related to whether the guests feel well looked after.

And there is no reason to be "respectful" because of cost - think of cars, you might be buying a Skoda or a Porsche, but you'd still expect them to be roadworthy.

@DebateWithMoi if the "happy couple" need to get into 20k of debt then they need to remember the difference between a wedding and a marriage!
Also I don't need to be at some dull, expensive event to speak to my gran or aunt.

Only thing was one person (out of 120) made a fuss about the 'no kids' (she was also pissed I didn't ask her kids, who lived in another country and I'd met twice, were not bridesmaids).
Other than that everyone was delighted and couldn't have been happier for us.

If people get into debt for a wedding, they have their priorities seriously wrong. That's nothing to do with the guests. It certainly doesn't command respect.

Ah, weddings on Mumsnet - where it’s considered tacky and ridiculous (and a sign you “just want the big party) to spend £20k+ on your wedding, yet at the same time want to have really good food and service, space, places to sit etc - the food is usually the expensive bit of the package.

they don’t want to go to a big wedding but then don’t want to be in the situation where they don’t know anyone. Also don’t want to go on a hen/stag do - which is usually where different friends get to know each other so by the wedding you do know more of the guests.

But the big one is the bit they don’t want to travel so the only way to have a good wedding is to stay living within a 5 mile radius of where you grew up, only marry someone from the same town and then marry in the town centre. Moving house and marrying someone from a different town is rude.

Well you did ask, @DebateWithMoi We're just answering.
It does make you think though doesn't it? Why would anyone spend a fortune on their wedding and expect other people to spend lots of money to attend, when it's fairly clear that most people just go because they think they should. And don't really enjoy them