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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think life with one child looks soooo easy

308 replies

justwonderingreally2 · 09/08/2024 15:09

It’s such a stupid thread as I love my children so don’t want to give one up but my god on the very very very rare occasion I only have one it feels so easy.

All my friends only have one and it’s so calm. Going on holiday soon, everyone else has one child, I have two. I’m stressed already.

Does anyone else ever think this?

OP posts:
Original poster
justwonderingreally2 · 09/08/2024 16:00

Well, to be fair playgroups don’t run throughout the day every day. And not everyone has cousins or cousins close in age who are local. But that said I do think sibling relationships are romanticised a lot on here and perhaps generally. Mine do love one another but there’s a lot of competition and toy taking even though they are only very little.

OP posts:
MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 09/08/2024 16:00

GoFigure235 · 09/08/2024 15:52

I think it's entirely personal preference/chance.

For me, having two takes the pressure off. My little one bugs her older brother first, rather than me 😂. And he'll often play games with her that I would rather stab my hand than do - endless peekaboo, pretending to be a boa constrictor eating her, that sort of thing. And they're quite companionable just doing their own thing in the same room so I can slowly retreat and get on with stuff. My older one stayed with his cousins for a few days recently and I found just having the small one intense... All her attention was focused on me and she noticed instantly if I even left the room for a couple of minutes. But it was lovely to spend 1-1 time together.

But there are times that it is tough to balance their needs and that does stress me out sometimes. What tends to happen in our house is that the older one gets neglected, as he's quite sensible and chilled, so I do have to make an effort to do stuff with him after DC2 is in bed even though I'm slowly dying inside at this point.

On balance, I find two easier but that's with a largish age gap (4 years) and an easygoing older child. If I had a smaller age gap and one or both was hard work, it would probably be different. And I know a lot of very, very happy families with 1 child and I must say it doesn't look as if they're missing out at all, just having different experiences.

The younger one feels intense because she's not used to amusing herself she has a sibling to play with. I have an only and often get comments about how willing he is to play on his own, how easily he makes friends at the park etc, doesn't nag us to play (although of course we do just not all of the time), it's because that's what he knows, he can't have someone to play with constantly.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 09/08/2024 16:01

I also don't understand how parents of only children 'over complicate things'. Actually it's not complicated at all, he gets the time, attention and resources he needs, but it's very simple to just accommodate him into our plans, eg travel/holidays in a way that wouldn't be so simple with multiple children and definitely wouldn't be as easy when the children outnumber the adults! We're two to one and it makes life quite simple

Jazzjazzyjulez · 09/08/2024 16:03

Mrsdyna · 09/08/2024 15:48

Kids are meant to be around other kids, be glad you had more than one.

you know we do let our only children out, right? We don't keep them locked away.

My daughter has plenty of interaction at school, brownies, swimming, dance class and with play dates and cousins. Given that some siblings don't get on, there are times when I think she gets more interaction with others than multiple kid families.

miniaturepixieonacid · 09/08/2024 16:03

Depends what you're comparing it to - I just have a cat and think having a child looks like the hardest, most stressful thing in the world. Can't imagine how so many people handle it.

Keeping one small animal alive is enough for me 😂

OchreShoes · 09/08/2024 16:04

Hillarious · 09/08/2024 15:50

Swings and roundabouts, on many levels, literally.

Hard agree from me!

JaninaDuszejko · 09/08/2024 16:04

You need a third child, then you either chill and accept being outnumbered or, on the rare times you only have 2 to look after, will find it very quiet and easy.

Imisscoffee2021 · 09/08/2024 16:04

Always depends, but as someone with one and probably likely to only have one due to having ivf, ugh the guilt is real at times as I loved having siblings, all his cousins have siblings and I'd love him to experience a sibling. The hard bit where they're kids passes and then you've got these great adults who (hopefully) get along and have eachothers backs. I'd take a bit of chaos for a decade to have two adult children at my table one day.

SagittariusUprising · 09/08/2024 16:04

I have two, but our littlest didn’t arrive until the eldest was 7.

Spending time one on one is nothing like parenting an only. For a start, my eldest is always so delighted to have our undivided attention now, it’s like a dream! Before, it was very full-on, playing, taking him places, basically him saying he was getting bored and wanting to do more. Now him and the little one just climb all over each other and are happy as until one annoys the other!

I don’t find it more stressful now, just different challenges.

Allofaflutter · 09/08/2024 16:05

I had 3. All adults now and I really miss those days when they were little but at the time it was hard. It soon passes. Not much help really but everything passes.

Reugny · 09/08/2024 16:07

But I look after my nephew and neice sometimes and I'm like "How the fuck do you do this, you need eyes in the back of your head!"

I learnt to have eyes in the back of my head when when I got used to looking after 5 children. Oddly it was easy because they were all different ages. However looking after 3 or more children the same age is absolute hell.

By comparison looking after my DD, who is my only, is easy. She's always been able to occupy herself for short periods since she was born and these periods have got longer.

With more than one child if there is bickering followed by silence then they are up to no good and doing something destructive. This happens when DD is with SC. With my DD alone if there is silence she drawing, constructing something or reading.

NotQuiteUsual · 09/08/2024 16:07

GirlMumGabby · 09/08/2024 15:46

Oh read that wrong 😂. Thought you said one child... not three 🫣

Well I'm just glad we both had lovely holidays regardless of how many kids we had 😂

Partcoffee · 09/08/2024 16:07

I’m finally 15 weeks pregnant with a much wanted little boy. I’m approaching 40 after nearly 10 years of infertility, pregnancy loss and endless cycles of fertility treatment and honestly after everything we have gone through to get this far, all the anxiety and sickness and stress that have gone with this cycle of ivf and this pregnancy and also losing a baby at 8 weeks (this started as a twin pregnancy) I’m not planning on doing it again. I don’t think my body or nervous system could take it. I’m an only child, as my son will be and I have never been lonely. I had a great childhood and it’s insulting, small minded and mum shaming to say that only children miss out, or having one is selfish.

babybirdsmomma · 09/08/2024 16:08

newleafontheplantjohn · 09/08/2024 15:14

Yes.

On the flip side, it often looks very boring / lonely for the kid.

I have two kids and it can be a nightmare sometimes. But I am very glad they have each other.

Not sure who you're looking at but my single child isn't lonely and rarely bored. Sad that you make such a sweeping statement and feel you are correct when you are very wrong.

HerRoyalNotness · 09/08/2024 16:08

…and cheap 😭

wouldn't give up mine for anything and maybe my friends with one would rather have had more.

holidays are unaffordable, and have just had to fork out $1800 for school band fees with two of them in it this year. Le sigh. But worth it

Reugny · 09/08/2024 16:08

miniaturepixieonacid · 09/08/2024 16:03

Depends what you're comparing it to - I just have a cat and think having a child looks like the hardest, most stressful thing in the world. Can't imagine how so many people handle it.

Keeping one small animal alive is enough for me 😂

Get two cats.

If you are lucky they will get on, if you are unlucky they will wind each other up. (We have that.)

OchreShoes · 09/08/2024 16:08

Jazzjazzyjulez · 09/08/2024 16:03

you know we do let our only children out, right? We don't keep them locked away.

My daughter has plenty of interaction at school, brownies, swimming, dance class and with play dates and cousins. Given that some siblings don't get on, there are times when I think she gets more interaction with others than multiple kid families.

Show quote history

I wonder if that was what meant by 'things'. A lot of onlies get to do all that, because their folks have the resources to do them because they only had one.
My eldest did quite a lot of toddler classes but by the time the third came along it all felt much more complicated so I did less organised stuff and they became quite feral ( I mean that quite light-heartedly)

WimpoleHat · 09/08/2024 16:08

they are only little (3 and 13 months.)

Ah - you’re at the most difficult point! Both mobile, both need supervising, but not able to amuse each other. Give it another year and it will be much easier. Give it another 18 months/2 years and they will play with each other and be able to amuse each other and life should be much easier. I remember the point at which my DH and I were able to sit, drink in hand, just keeping a watchful eye while they had a whale of a time together. Hang on in there…..

Zanatdy · 09/08/2024 16:08

I had one for 11yrs, then I had 2 more and it was easier with 2 as they entertained each other.

lemonslimesandallthingsnice · 09/08/2024 16:09

I am an only child and longed for a sibling - I have 2 DC with a large age difference apart meaning they don't play together as they are both different ages and stages - don't think anyone has the balance just right😫

Juyjuly32 · 09/08/2024 16:09

Imisscoffee2021 · 09/08/2024 16:04

Always depends, but as someone with one and probably likely to only have one due to having ivf, ugh the guilt is real at times as I loved having siblings, all his cousins have siblings and I'd love him to experience a sibling. The hard bit where they're kids passes and then you've got these great adults who (hopefully) get along and have eachothers backs. I'd take a bit of chaos for a decade to have two adult children at my table one day.

Oooh your last line is so touching. I have one and I would have had another however at the time life was busy and hectic. My ex was rubbish and I changed my mind about baby no2 as it was always left to me. When DS turned 3 I really wanted another. DS is 9 now and I haven't met anybody who's suitable to have another baby!

Scorchio84 · 09/08/2024 16:10

justwonderingreally2 · 09/08/2024 16:00

Well, to be fair playgroups don’t run throughout the day every day. And not everyone has cousins or cousins close in age who are local. But that said I do think sibling relationships are romanticised a lot on here and perhaps generally. Mine do love one another but there’s a lot of competition and toy taking even though they are only very little.

That's a fair point, but there's clubs & soft play, soccer camps or GAA pretty much everywhere, I'm aware the costs for some of these might be out of peoples budget
But honestly an only child is not "missing out" on a sibling relationship, there was 11 years between my sister & I, we had no "bond"

mondaytosunday · 09/08/2024 16:11

Having two doesn't mean they have an automatic playmate @SweetLining! I have one of each and they couldn't be more different in personalities. Up to age four or five yes they did stuff together as I took them to things together. Once school starts they had less time together and at secondary only spent time together if on holiday. By 14/16 minimal. This in itself make it harder as they like completely different things, so I seem to spend time with one or the other not both.

Ossoduro2 · 09/08/2024 16:12

I found having one really really hard work. My easiest stage was when I had three, now I have four and that’s pretty busy. I think how hard or easy it is depends on the kids and the stages they’re at and which of them like or hate each other that day!

when they all get along it’s fine, when they all argue it’s hell!

miniaturepixieonacid · 09/08/2024 16:12

Reugny · 09/08/2024 16:08

Get two cats.

If you are lucky they will get on, if you are unlucky they will wind each other up. (We have that.)

Show quote history

I'd love another but am too worried that existing cat won't like it - he is a bit of a precious, spoiled fur brat and I am more than a bit of a crazy cat lady!