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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think life with one child looks soooo easy

308 replies

justwonderingreally2 · 09/08/2024 15:09

It’s such a stupid thread as I love my children so don’t want to give one up but my god on the very very very rare occasion I only have one it feels so easy.

All my friends only have one and it’s so calm. Going on holiday soon, everyone else has one child, I have two. I’m stressed already.

Does anyone else ever think this?

OP posts:
Cornishpumpkinpie · 09/08/2024 16:32

BeckiWithAnI · 09/08/2024 16:31

Surely this depends of so many factors, like the temperaments of the children, the age gaps, the ages and stages of the parents, additional needs, medical conditions, or even good old fashioned financial security (or lack of).
The list goes on I’m sure, but comparing one person’s life with another’s is like comparing apples and oranges.

thank you for saying this! So true

WillLiveLife · 09/08/2024 16:33

Competitive parenting - my life is sooo much harder than yours - ridiculous.

Life is so much easier being childfree yippee!

Peonies12 · 09/08/2024 16:34

Maybe not that easy for those of us who’s love a 2nd and it hasn’t happened for. Appreciate what you have.

Starfish89 · 09/08/2024 16:36

I'm not a parent (sadly) so I don't know what it is like to have an only child, but I know that being one as an adult and having no other blood family is extremely tough. I dread the day my parents die and I am alone.

Worstsummerever · 09/08/2024 16:36

How to make families with only one child feel shit…
I have only one, not through choice, through years of infertility, don’t find it easy at all though, adore Dd but she’s very intense and high energy. I’d love if she had siblings to play with and it wasn’t always down to me to play 24/7

Sugarlily · 09/08/2024 16:40

I’m on holiday now with my two. The youngest one is soooo needy. If the oldest one wants to sit something out the youngest one won’t leave us alone. It’s exhausting

@Tiredalwaystired see my above post. It’s because they’ve never learnt to spend time alone / be happy with their own company. It’s a great skill only children usually grasp early. My daughter isn’t like this. Yes we ‘play’ and have such a laugh together but she also enjoys time ‘bumbling’ around on her own, writing, reading, doing art, creating.

donkeyleg · 09/08/2024 16:40

When I had the one life was so easy.
Then when he got a bit older I decided to have another 2. I ask myself why every day. Life is now hectic. Constant arguing and bickering. I'm lucky if I get 5 mins to go to the toilet alone without a scream or cry. I do miss the days of only having 1

Turfwars · 09/08/2024 16:40

It's easy in some respects with one, but then, in others it's trickier. No more than families with more than one I guess.

I would have loved more but we had just the one. I remember feeling a lot of guilt about that for a long time, but then I was at the funeral of a family member. That person had been an only child and the turn out was bigger than I've ever seen... even for Irish funerals. Grown men heartbroken at the death of one of their oldest and closest friend. And that actually comforted me a lot about leaving just one behind when I die. I knew that DS would be as lonely as he chooses to be.

I made a bigger effort to do lots of time with his cousins on both sides. My lovely SIL did afterschool for about 3 years for us so DS was like the baby of their family in many respects, and their house is treated like ours by DS. We are only a couple of doors away from their house so they are in and out to each other all the time. I try to go as much as I can to the cousins on our side as well as we are fairly close knit and I hope that carries through to adulthood for DS.

He gets bored sometimes like any kid, but the flip side is that he's well able to find things to do himself and is quite a social and sociable kid. I ensured he's got bunk beds so offered lots of sleepovers, and offered loads of play dates - I don't care if they weren't reciprocated. We deliberately moved to somewhere where he could safely go out to play with the neighbour kids so on a fine day he's never indoors. He has wished for a sibling from time to time, of course, but it is what it is.

Holidays are fine, we've never put him in a kids club. He wouldn't have wanted to be left (again with a sibling that might have been easier?) DH and I can't lie by a hotel pool, never could anyway so DS comes with us on boat trips or snorkelling on the beach like we used to do as a couple.

I'm not worried about when he's grown and gone. I came from a big family, so getting peace and quiet was a novelty and I relished it when I did. I moved out at 18 often living entirely alone and I was never bothered. Even now when the house is empty for a weekend, I've a list of things to watch or sew or read and I don't get lonely. I would happily do a solo holiday for example. I might feel differently if my health becomes an issue but I'll figure that out when I have to!

And then there's his inheritance. He will never need to worry about affording his own home or have to split it with siblings. He'll get our house. That's something my neighbour worries about for her 3 kids - that even with an inheritance and a partner to share a mortgage, that house prices might be out of their reach.

Scirocco · 09/08/2024 16:41

The people judging families with only one living child really need to reflect on how their casual criticism can hurt others.

In my case, I've had two children but only one is alive today. Every time someone decides they need to tell me that DC's life must be sad and lonely without a sibling, is a time when that wound gets opened up again.

Friendofdennis · 09/08/2024 16:43

Surely we all do the best we can to provide a stable and loving life with opportunities for our children whether we have 1 or more. All of us will have stresses and easier times

Bluestonecat · 09/08/2024 16:47

I just wonder how you keep 1 entertained all the time?I e play and interact all the time. On holidays they have so much fun wherever we go whatever we do.
Does 1 have as much fun?

TomeTome · 09/08/2024 16:47

thecatsthecats · 09/08/2024 15:47

She says, making it a competition...

Is it or is it trying to point out it is what it is? Honestly it isn’t the number imo it’s the personality of the children and your set up. I can guarantee my larger family is WAY easier than some smaller families.

HiStevenItsClemFandango · 09/08/2024 16:48

Scirocco · 09/08/2024 16:41

The people judging families with only one living child really need to reflect on how their casual criticism can hurt others.

In my case, I've had two children but only one is alive today. Every time someone decides they need to tell me that DC's life must be sad and lonely without a sibling, is a time when that wound gets opened up again.

I agree. Of my three children, only one is living. He is beyond precious. My DS wanted a sibling, wants a sibling, it breaks his heart that his brother and sister died. It breaks my heart ever day for all of them.

He has an older, adult brother who he adores, but he wants someone to be in his house, play, be silly with, argue and bicker with, have a shared childhood with. That is what we wanted for him.

I think people who glibly post about how awful it is for children to be an only often can't see past their own (good or bad) experiences and don't necessarily consider the heartbreak behind the reality of an only child family.

Oopsithinkyoumeantrachel · 09/08/2024 16:51

I always think it would be 'easier' with two as they could entertain each other. It's not necessarily calmer with one - it depends on your child's personality.

I also don't want to have to deal with two of the one I have. My life certainly isn't calm. I think it's just hard no matter how many children you have and you'll never know one way or the other because you have two (and I have one!).

Good luck for your holiday ❤️

Appledrop · 09/08/2024 16:52

We have one child, and that's all we wanted. It was the right decision for us financially and as a family. What's right for you doesn't mean it is right for everyone - everyone is different. Some people can be quite judgmental, which is downright rude. Sibling relationships can be complex, as both my husband and I have experienced. Anyway, focus on yourself and your kids and leave ridiculous assumptions out of it.

jugglesandspins · 09/08/2024 16:53

bookworm14 · 09/08/2024 15:24

Basically, if you don't have a 2nd one, you never get out of the PFB stage.

The thread has been up for 10 minutes and we already have negative stereotyping of one-child families. Is this some kind of record?

Absolutely. I was waiting for this too.

jugglesandspins · 09/08/2024 16:57

I’ve been judged for having one but I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. Everybody is different - my sister has 4 - but a 1 /2 / 3 child family comes with different challenges. With 1 I have to make sure she gets the opportunity to engage and interact with other children. She’s spending a proportion of the holidays at holiday clubs. I do look around sometimes and she’s playing in the park in her own whereA with 2 they have each other.

EatTheGnome · 09/08/2024 16:57

Yanbu. Its why we stopped at 1.

People say 2 play together and whitening remember some lovely times with my sibling, I also remember the endless fighting and bickering and competition.

Two is twice the individual work, plus refereeing.

DD is 6 and gets herself up and dressed for school, does her number work and off we go. Home, snack, change of clothes and reads quietly for a hour.

Doninlove then idea of more kids? Absolutely. But only because I love what i have and want more of the same and thats not what 2 kids looks like.

Oldermum84 · 09/08/2024 16:58

I weirdly find 2 easier. Though I'm still on maternity leave so that may change when I'm back at work 🙈

I was miserable in the early days with my first, though it was lockdown which didn't help. I was very lonely, it was so quiet, I had to entertain a baby alone all day at home. This time round my 4 year old is so fun and he's great with the baby. Life is full of fun and laughter and is busy in a lovely way.

Turfwars · 09/08/2024 16:59

Bluestonecat · 09/08/2024 16:47

I just wonder how you keep 1 entertained all the time?I e play and interact all the time. On holidays they have so much fun wherever we go whatever we do.
Does 1 have as much fun?

It depends on the type of holiday maybe?
I can only speak for our family but while we do two weeks somewhere hot, we don't tend to stick around the hotel, we never really have. We are out at the beach or waterpark or on boat trips /sightseeing. DS gets two parent's sole attention. We tag team so DH might take him snorkelling while I have a read of my book on the beach then I'll take over and we'll go hunting in the rockpools.

DS is 12 now so it's less work than when he was a toddler. We never did kids clubs - mainly because throughout the year we used to have long commutes so often he was in childcare from 8am to 6pm so he deserved a holiday from milling around with other kids too. He liked the one on one with us and was gutted that we couldn't afford a holiday this year.

Missingpreschool · 09/08/2024 16:59

I have two, when one of them is out and i only have one child to look after it feels like a lot less than 50% of the work if that makes sense.

It's so great when they play together nicely though 😊 mine have the same age gap as yours op but a bit older, they play together loads now

TheHistorian · 09/08/2024 17:01

I found having only one child meant entertaining everyone else's children during the holidays so she wouldn't be lonely. Rarely reciprocated.

GhostFaen · 09/08/2024 17:02

Oh yeah, absolutely! I have four. Our besties have one. We’ve been friends since school and our last happened to coincide with their one. They’re now 3 and also besties.

They live such a calmer life now. I always wanted a big family and know I luck out when they’re teens/adults (last is quite a lot younger, and a different sex, so those dynamics will be interesting).

There is no right or wrong. I chose chaos, but it won’t always be chaos. Already the older ones are fantastic together (nearly, to early,to mid teens). Youngest is 3.

Don't judge yourself on your friends. Your family is correct because it is.

Cactiverde · 09/08/2024 17:02

I have two and find it relatively easy. Easier than when I just had one, as they entertain eachother so I don't have to 😄. I remember endless hours sitting there playing peppa pig when my eldest was two, but when her sister was the same age, they played together so and I didn't need to do that crap again. There's an only child across the road from us who's constantly asking if mine want to go to play with her, I'm guessing as she doesn't have anyone at home to play with. Mine never say they're bored as thry have eachother. I'm lucky in that thry get on really well, others I know with two hate eachother and I can completely see in that situation why it would be more difficult than just having one.

happybluefern · 09/08/2024 17:06

And then there's his inheritance. He will never need to worry about affording his own home or have to split it with siblings. He'll get our house. That's something my neighbour worries about for her 3 kids - that even with an inheritance and a partner to share a mortgage, that house prices might be out of their reach.

The financial benefits of being an adult only child are often overlooked I think - I have measurably more financial security than I would have had if there were siblings in my family, in quite a meaningful and significant way. I understand it’s not ‘the point’ of having a family but when I see posts where people feel they should ‘give their child a sibling’ I do think, well they might appreciate a house deposit more. But obviously you can’t know in advance which one they will appreciate most lol. It’s juts often not mentioned on these threads.