To think Dh is wrong (racist question)

[Tuddlepops]

We have lots of African families living near us now. It's a recent thing. We get on very well with all we've met. They come from a few different countries.
Today I chatted to another new black neighbour over the back. Never spoken her before. Dh said I wonder which African country she's from. I said London by the sounds of it 🙄🤣 He said no originally. I said ok I'll ask for a rundown of her heritage.

I know he's wrong just want to show him as he's convinced I am and it's not an unusual thing to ask. He's otherwise intelligent. What happens to people to make them not think about the obvious?

@Starlight1979 stop being a nit and rtft

They may not be "local" but to assume they are from another country seems odd

It literally IS prejudice though.

Prejudice is a preconceived opinion that is not based on reason. Assuming because someone is black they cannot be from London, despite them having a London accent, and asking where they're 'really' from is a racist question. The question is based on an assumption that is rooted in prejudice.

How are people not getting this?

I once had someone ask where I was originally from, and London didn't seem to satisfy. He then asked where my parents were from (London) and where my grandparents were from (the Caribbean). He responded, "So you are Caribbean." When I said no, he looked confused. Some people can't reconcile being Black and being British or English. Most forms these days only give you the option to be Black British but never English, but that's a debate for another day 😊

The only time I cringe at such a question is when people seem to be digging for the answer they want and then end the conversation because it feels as if you only want to prove that I'm not what I say I am.

I get your point. We don't tend to ask white people this, unless they have a foreign accent. However, I would argue that most white people in this country have fairly similar backgrounds. If your recent heritage (your parents) lived in another country, then you may have far more interesting information to tell. I am fascinated by where people or their parents grew up and to learn about their background cultures. I wouldn't automatically ask other white people with similar backgrounds to mine because it almost certainly wouldn't be nearly as interesting and I wouldn't learn anything particularly new. My white friends all discuss where we were born (it's common to ask each other where they come from) but not beyond that for the most part. That said, my Scottish and Welsh friends are very keen to be asked about their heritages. I think that showing an interest is far better than shoving everyone black into just a 'black British' category or even a broad 'African heritage' category.

Yeah this. Very odd. So you get along with all your black neighbours, no issues, DH is friendly and chatty with them, then he asks you where you think one family are from and all of a sudden you're outraged and posting for advice asking if he's a racist?

Repeatedly asking someone where they are really from is highly problematic. Deciding not to answer is her right

OP, your husband made a racist comment, and when you attempted to explain why it was racist, he didn't learn from it. He simply decided not to say it out loud again for an easy life.

You live in a predominantly white area, so there haven't been many opportunities for your husband to sprout some casual racism. Doesn't mean he wouldn't have, had there been other people of colour move to your area sooner.

You cannot say your husband is not a racist unless he learns from his ignorance and changes his worldview. Shutting up for a quiet life is not being anti-racist. It's hiding your true self.

The question was horrible. And some of the responses on this post have been horrible.

There is absolutely something wrong with asking someone 'no, where are you originally from?' or 'where are you really from?' This line of questioning is very different to 'what is your ethnicity?' as it doesn't show curiosity, it shows rejection of that person and their right to be there.

It can also be a complicated question with lots of baggage and it's not something that necessarily feels right to bring up on a first encounter.

I tell people my story when I am comfortable with them and it feels natural. I don't tell strangers. If we click, I might tell you immediately. It might take me 5 years. I might never tell you. But you can ask me where I live now. Anything beyond that feels intrusive, especially if you reject my answer and you want a different answer.

Anyone who doesn't understand that is showing their privilege.

Re Ngozi Fulani, she changed her name to something less traditionally British than Marlene Headley and opted to wear clothing that people might assume to be traditionally African, so I do rather feel that Lady Susan Hussey was a bit set up to fail there.

If I went to a party and there was a man wearing Lederhosen I'd assume he may be from Bavaria and that it might be an interesting talking point.

I think the point is when she gave her answer it should have been accepted. The person repeatedly asked.

WOW. You really don't get it do you?

She didn't need to say that because... wait for it... the question is "where are you from originally" and her answer was ENGLAND because that IS where she is from.

God, I despair.

It really depends, doesn't it, on the local make up. 99.9% of the time it's quite easy to tell if the people in the town I work in are "local" black people or not, because they don't look the same. There has been a very large group of African migrants in about the last 7 years. There are about three from the Caribbean in the whole town, one being my dp, who look local, but certainly don't sound local.

If I went into the city it would be different, apart from a local black population which has been about 300 years or so, there is a large Caribbean population who have had family here for up to four generations, plus a lot of students, and Africans who have been here a little longer (two generations usually.)

So you actually could find out a very different family story which wouldn't be easy to guess.

That's not actually true, it was clarified as a family heritage question - and it was a heritage event so not really an out of context question either.

The neighbour has from what I can tell an east London accent. We only briefly chatted. When I see her again I'll ask her name etc. Maybe where in the south she's come from? Is she liking the area?

Thanks to everyone who have been helpful.

If someone says they’re from London, then they’re from London.
They aren't ‘originally’ from anywhere!
White people don’t get ask that in the same way. I’m not from here, not even this country. I’m white, no one has ever asked where I am ‘orginally’ from.
Occasionally someone hears my ( faint ) accent and says ‘oh is that a blah accent’ and then we discuss the fact I’m not English.

People often ask where my husband is from or guess, without exception incorrectly. 😂 Neither of us are at all bothered, I get that when someone’s heritage is clearly not white British that it’s interesting to know their heritage.
He’s not black or Asian though (just very dark brown) so I suspect it wouldn’t be regarded as ‘racist’?

"99.9% of the time it's quite easy to tell if the people in the town I work in are "local" black people or not, because they don't look the same."

To be honest I'm confused by this I look like my Caribbean relatives but I'm a British. My friend with Nigerian heritage looks like her Nigerian relatives but she would also describe herself as British. Apologies if I've missed your point

And Fulani was wearing her ethnic dress. If I was wearing a saari and someone asked me where I was from or where my heritage was from. I'd say Indian

But if you answered English that should be good enough. Demanding an answer is entitled and rude at best.

And what if they wouldn’t take your ‘Indian’ answer and kept asking you the same question?

Surely by just saying Indian, that is enough?

Just like it should be by saying Wales or London etc?

This is a bit flat, historically, there are plenty of non-white people, even in the UK, whose ancestors were oppressor class/wealthy and powerful people.

But more practically, I don't know how you interact with people of other races when you think like that. It must be so bizarre and awkward.

I'd say where in India I'm from. And then if they asked me again and again I'd ask them why my original answer wasn't sufficient.

The point of the whole post is that depending on where you live, you can often make very accurate guesses about people's heritage based on their appearance.

I can go to the town I work in, and see an African person, and be 99% sure they were not born here, because that reflects the local demographic.

In the UK, the majority of people from Africa or the Carribean came here since the 1950s, and they may well still have grandparents alive who were newcomers. And a lot of the time you can tell if people are African, sometimes what part of Africa, or if they are more likely from the Americas.

It's completely disingenuous, including within our own minds, to pretend that a person's skin colour or facial features cannot tell us about their family history, just as accent can.

We should not mix this up with racism. Racism is the belief that people are in some way intrinsically better or worse based on their race, or that race defines who we are and what we do as people. It's not being able to make probabilistic guesses about history based on clues like appearance, accent, names, etc.

India is a huge country with a lot of different languages and cultures. If someone knew much about India or was from there or had lived there they would be very likely to ask where in India someone was from.

I'm sorry, but to think you can look at someone and tell if they were born in this country or not is highly problematic. They may not be from your local area, but to think you can tell based on looks alone is wild.