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Original poster

Family coming before child's first day at school

128 replies

Gemma273 · 07/08/2024 20:22

Just wondering if I'm being unreasonable or not?is this a thing?had some family members ask me what time they were to come at before child's first day at school for photos with them? I was flabbergasted and said I'd confirm because I was like eh??

My head tells me absolutely not, it's a special family moment not for others to come along too but not sure if I'm just being precious.

OP posts:
AGoingConcern · 07/08/2024 21:12

Calliopespa · 07/08/2024 21:05

I don’t disagree about not having them before school but there’s some seriously toxic thought processes in that statement: “ using your child to make themselves involved and happy.” 🤨 How can we have functional warm relationships with people approaching family life with those attitudes?

Show quote history

You don't think this is something some relatives do? PP didn't say that's the only reason grandparents want to be involved or even the most common one, they're responding to OP's description of these particular relatives and sharing their experience with specific relatives of their own.

Identifying specific toxic behavior from individuals in our lives (such as people who don't actually provide support or invest in relationships but try to make everyone to pretend otherwise to stroke their own ego) is actually a key part of having functional relationships.

SaltAndVinegar2 · 07/08/2024 21:16

Gemma273 · 07/08/2024 20:40

Trying to answer most questions - it's a family member who lives locally but luckily if they visit anymore than 5 times a year - very uninvolved and my child doesn't actually particularly like them and doesn't even really speak to them 🙈
Definitely not a cultural thing and more of a I need to be seen to be super involved and will show everyone the pic but actually couldn't give a shiny sh*te about child really.
And yes it has to be low-key as child is a major worrier and not entirely sure how it will go tbh..

It's a definite no then. Tell them no thanks you're keeping it low key for your child's sake but will send a picture. They can't argue with that. I wouldn't have them over after school either if your child doesn't even like them. My child who is normally the most even tempered and happy child had huge meltdowns after school on her first 3 days. She never did that before. It wouldn't have been a good time to have extra people round at all.

Pollydid · 07/08/2024 21:18

Calliopespa · 07/08/2024 21:05

I don’t disagree about not having them before school but there’s some seriously toxic thought processes in that statement: “ using your child to make themselves involved and happy.” 🤨 How can we have functional warm relationships with people approaching family life with those attitudes?

Show quote history

Not really. OP has said they don't really see them very often and it's about the pics they can show around rather than any interest in the child. OP also said they asked what time they 'were to come', not asking if they could come.

It sounds like it's very much about them, not anyone else. They're absolutely using the child.

Ucchildcare · 07/08/2024 21:20

Quite normal where I'm from, or they meet at the school and get photos in the playground etc. Your being precious

Calliopespa · 07/08/2024 21:23

AGoingConcern · 07/08/2024 21:12

You don't think this is something some relatives do? PP didn't say that's the only reason grandparents want to be involved or even the most common one, they're responding to OP's description of these particular relatives and sharing their experience with specific relatives of their own.

Identifying specific toxic behavior from individuals in our lives (such as people who don't actually provide support or invest in relationships but try to make everyone to pretend otherwise to stroke their own ego) is actually a key part of having functional relationships.

Show quote history

I hadn’t seen the op’s update at that stage so had not seen it was someone who makes no effort normally. That is different.

But I do see all around me a closing out and scissoring off of extended family relationships; and then people in crisis without the multilayered support that helps keep families as kind of multi-system organisms. This very often happens even when the relative is very genuine in wanting to be a positive influence in the life of the other family members. I think it’s very sad and something we do need to be aware of as a society.

2chocolateoranges · 07/08/2024 21:27

If every child had both parents, grandparents an aunts and uncles in the playground then that’s a hell of a lot of adults. I’d stick to just mum and dad, you could visit other family after school,

I’d be inclined to say school have stipulated only 2 adults per child to keep the numbers down. It’s an overwhelming time for children.

mitogoshi · 07/08/2024 21:30

Just say it's too early to have guests and trying not to overplay it for dc's sake. I've never heard of anyone other than a parent taking them (and only I took mine as (now ex) h was at work. I took photos in the front garden that's all

Whitewolf2 · 07/08/2024 21:44

Never heard of that before, honestly seems a bit weird and over the top to me.

Calliopespa · 07/08/2024 21:46

A photo is a good move - ours were a rush but I’m pleased to have them! Can you just make a what’s app group op and say you will send the photos to all after dropping dc. Dc doesn’t even need to know/ be bothered by it that way.

Original poster
Gemma273 · 07/08/2024 22:13

Calliopespa · 07/08/2024 21:23

I hadn’t seen the op’s update at that stage so had not seen it was someone who makes no effort normally. That is different.

But I do see all around me a closing out and scissoring off of extended family relationships; and then people in crisis without the multilayered support that helps keep families as kind of multi-system organisms. This very often happens even when the relative is very genuine in wanting to be a positive influence in the life of the other family members. I think it’s very sad and something we do need to be aware of as a society.

Show quote history

I wish this was the case but absolutely not, we have very little to no support, child has never been left alone or looked after by this person nor has it been offered, doesn't visit unless for a specific event - birthdays and Christmas and maybe a couple of visits in between. Never checks in to see how they are doing and I'd go as far to say doesn't know much about them or their interests - think never bought anything for them because "oh they'll love that" or would pick stuff they categorically hate such as warm clothes - again because they are clueless about them because never spend time with them - its 100% for their gain.

OP posts:
OpalOwl · 07/08/2024 22:29

My granny came to wave me off on my first day at school 40+ years ago.
She didn't come to the school though, just a photo in the back yard.
DM took me to school while she looked after my little sisters.
She was very involved though and it wasn't overwhelming.

Calliopespa · 07/08/2024 22:42

Gemma273 · 07/08/2024 22:13

I wish this was the case but absolutely not, we have very little to no support, child has never been left alone or looked after by this person nor has it been offered, doesn't visit unless for a specific event - birthdays and Christmas and maybe a couple of visits in between. Never checks in to see how they are doing and I'd go as far to say doesn't know much about them or their interests - think never bought anything for them because "oh they'll love that" or would pick stuff they categorically hate such as warm clothes - again because they are clueless about them because never spend time with them - its 100% for their gain.

Show quote history

Yes I’m sorry I read your first post then didn’t see the other before replying to a comment that seemed intended as a blanket comment by another poster.

Purpleturtle45 · 07/08/2024 22:46

Parent of 3 and teacher here, wouldn't allow this. Minimal fuss is best.

NewName24 · 07/08/2024 22:49

Sirzy · 07/08/2024 20:23

I would advise keeping it as low key as possible. Don’t make a massive fuss and keep things as close to normal as you can.

if family want to see her they can come after school or at the weekend.

This 100%

Your relative is being ridiculous.

Charlie2121 · 07/08/2024 22:50

Tell them to stop being weird. I’ve never heard of anyone doing this before. It’s not normal.

Noseybookworm · 07/08/2024 22:50

Gemma273 · 07/08/2024 20:40

Trying to answer most questions - it's a family member who lives locally but luckily if they visit anymore than 5 times a year - very uninvolved and my child doesn't actually particularly like them and doesn't even really speak to them 🙈
Definitely not a cultural thing and more of a I need to be seen to be super involved and will show everyone the pic but actually couldn't give a shiny sh*te about child really.
And yes it has to be low-key as child is a major worrier and not entirely sure how it will go tbh..

In this case, just say no. It's not best for your child and that is your only priority.

mybeautifulhorse · 07/08/2024 22:51

It's a bit of a thing here. My eldest didn't get it because when he started school in 2020 the whole lockdown thing affected what people did, but when my second started school his grandad came to 'see him off' and there were loads of other peoples extended family at the school gates.

My daughter starts school next week and I expect grandad will be along again. It's quite sweet really, I don't see it as intrusive or anything, it's a big milestone and they want to celebrate it. My children don't have any family on my side, so I think it's nice when FIL makes an effort.

Itisjustmyopinion · 07/08/2024 22:57

Charlie2121 · 07/08/2024 22:50

Tell them to stop being weird. I’ve never heard of anyone doing this before. It’s not normal.

Not normal in your experience….

As several posters have said it is normal for them not only now but going back years

Olympicscandal2024 · 07/08/2024 23:03

If they were close and involved with your child I'd say yes. If they're not I'd say no way!

I have 1 DC who is v close with my Mum and DC asked if nanny would come on the first day. She looked after younger DC after she made a fuss of the school starter.

My other DC aren't as close with my Mum so it wasn't even mentioned when they started and I think the fuss that DC1 loved would have stressed them out.

Do what's best for your child.

edited for typo!

huuskymam · 07/08/2024 23:07

I had this with my dm nearly 20 years ago, I thought she was mad but if she wanted to come to the house for a few minutes before we left for school, she could, and she couldn't come with us to the school. She came up for about 20 minutes while my dd was getting ready, gave her a big hug and a kiss and was on her way when we left for school. No big drama and my dd was delighted to see her before school.

TheaBrandt · 07/08/2024 23:09

I had a weirdly strong reaction to first child starting school. Obviously kept it breezy and upbeat with her but after I dropped her off I found myself sobbing (in private when I got home obviously!) Would have hated having gawping visitors around. It took me by surprise as don’t normally act like that!

Greytulips · 07/08/2024 23:12

Quite normal where I'm from, or they meet at the school and get photos in the playground etc. Your being precious

Why? It’s not precious to keep a clam Josie for your child’s first day - nobody needs that many people in the playground.

I bet you all go the A&E and the supermarket on mass as well.

Makes it more about the adults wants and needs than the child’s.

Blueroses99 · 07/08/2024 23:17

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 07/08/2024 20:27

It's not something that anyone I know in RL has done, but is there potentially a cultural thing at play here?

I'm sure there was a post a couple of years ago from a MNer who had in laws all turn up at the school gates as that's normal for them, and they were surprised the DC were all just bring dropped off and parents leaving - they were expecting a bit of an event/ceremony type thing

This is what I’m wondering, is it a regional thing? I remember the thread form last year (?) where many people said it was normal in their area.

hulahooper2 · 07/08/2024 23:24

i would expect grandparents to be there, it’s a family occasion

Charlie2121 · 07/08/2024 23:26

hulahooper2 · 07/08/2024 23:24

i would expect grandparents to be there, it’s a family occasion

What part of the UK are you from? I’ve literally never heard of this happening. Where I live it would be considered very weird behaviour indeed.