AIBU to tell my grandparents that I won’t be entertaining them?

[kfellover]

I’m due to give birth to my first baby at the end of August. I live quite far from family and they have all decided when the baby is born they will travel to us and stay nearby for a few days so that they aren’t travelling a lot in one day. That’s fine by me.

However, one set of grandparents have never visited before so this will be their first time. They’re treating them coming up as if it’s a little holiday for them and aren’t considering that I will have just given birth. They keep talking about how I will be able to show them places that I’ve spoke about etc. I’ve told them that I might not be up for that depending on how the birth goes and how I’m feeling, so if they want to do stuff then they need to plan it themselves, but they don’t seem to be listening to me.

It’s really been stressing me out. I’m happy for them to see the baby and to come over for a little while but after that I’d prefer for them to entertain themselves and I’ll join them if I feel up to it. Plus I want to breastfeed and I don’t want to have to cover myself up/take myself to another room whilst I’m still establishing it, but I know my grandmother will have lots to say about me breastfeeding. I also plan on having a home birth and I’m worried as soon as I announce that baby has been born they will be on their way and not give us time to settle in like we would if we were coming home from hospital.

WIBU to tell them they’re more than welcome to visit when I feel comfortable with it but if they plan on staying for a few days they need to entertain themselves?. I feel like this isn’t unreasonable but my grandmother has made a couple of comments about how I’m being precious and it’s got in my head a little bit and just want to make sure I’m not being unfair.

They may realise when they get there that they have misjudged the situation. Can you get whichever parent is the child of these grandparents to have a word? If they just come I would say you're not up to it if they want you to do anything you don't want to. DH will have to cope!

You’re not being unfair. They’ve probably forgotten how onerous and life consuming it is.

Don’t tell them straight away, so you get to see whether the initial recovery is going to plan.

If they complain after, point out you wanted to be sure you were well enough for visitors before announcing.

Tell them they are welcome to come but uou probably won’t be leaving the house until you’ve established breast feeding, the bleeding has stopped, and your stitches have been removed. Don’t be coy.

I’ve told them that I might not be up for that depending on how the birth goes and how I’m feeling

You need to be clearer. 'I won't be up for that because I will have just given birth'.

They also might not have a clue how brutal modern day maternity care is (no ‘overnight nursery’, no staying in for a week to rest - I know not all hospitals did this but they may think you may be more rested than you are.)

Also, who is the child - if it’s your father they may not have been too hands on and so not remember.

Can you tell them your due date is later?

"Hahaha ha, I'm afraid I'll be recovering from childbirth and busy feeding and looking after a newborn baby 24 hours a day. I won't be going anywhere or getting off the sofa for quite a while. Maybe another time"

Tell them that you are happy for them to visit you at home for short moments only after the birth because you will be recovering and also bonding with your baby as a family unit. The hotel, Airbnb can be close the centre and restaurants for them. Make it clear that you will be at home and not cooking, shopping or going out.

Since all your family are far off you have a little leeway to be a bit vague about when you actually give birth, I would give yourself at least a couple of days , longer if you can, before you make the announcement, hard I know, but under the circumstances I think you could get away with it.

I would also be sending the tourist grandparents brochures and links to places of interest close by , make sure they know that this is so they can arrange their own days out

I hope you have someone who will be batting away all of these visitors after the birth. I would stay very vague at the moment about any arrangements. I would also speak with my DP or parent who I would encourage to speak with Grandparents to advocate for you OP.

You can absolutely tell them you won't be able to show them around and they'll need to entertain themselves. You won't know what you'll be feeling up to. Def get your parent to have a word if poss.

Tell them to make plans on places to visit and amuse themselves.
Tell them depending on how you feel and your recovery goes, short visits from them could possibly be doable, but you definitely won't be acting as some kind of tour guide.

I would be 100% knocking this on the head.

Very presumptuous of them.
You have zero idea how well you will be.
I hopped out of bed showered and not a bother on me after all of my births, so really lucky, but there is no way I would have tolerated a single visitor staying over in the weeks that followed, much less being tour guide.
The early weeks are shattering with lack of sleep and I found breastfeeding stressful and difficult.

I couldn't have coped with being imposed upon.

I totally would delay the announcement as long as was necessary.

How bonkers and self important of them! What on earth will her issue be with you breastfeeding?!

Thank you everyone, it’s nice to know I’m not being unreasonable. My family are the type who constantly keep everyone updated with every little thing happening in their life, when DM went into labour with me the whole family were in the waiting room so I think they are expecting me to be a bit like that. I will definitely tell them the same day baby has been born (if all goes well) but I think I will leave it a good few hours until I’m a bit more settled and the house has been clean etc.

Just to answer a few questions, they are my dads dad and step mum. He’s not very close with them but if I ask I’m sure he will tell them to back off, as will my aunt. My DM lives nearby and her and DH will definitely stand up for me if GP’s get too pushy.
I’ve already told them the due date so unfortunately I can’t lie about that.

@Lastminuteisinit I do think that’s the case as my grandmother has spoke about how she was in hospital for a week when she had her son to rest. I don’t think she understands that I won’t have that, especially as I plan on a home birth.

God I couldn't wait to show my baby off to everyone and planned for everyone to come round with a day or two of his birth.

Then I actually gave birth, didn't leave the house for a week and told everyone they could come for an hour or two and had to bring food 🤣

The only people who actually stayed longer were my parents because they were actually helpful (my mum stayed for the weekend) and my MIL who traveled for 3 hours and stayed for 4 days but again, very helpful and all very happy to wash up, walk the dog, take baby whilst my husband and I napped, cook food and generally just wait on us hand an foot.

I was full of ideas about where I'd go for my first walk with baby when he was 7 days old. I was full of it, suggesting to my mum we stomp over the other side of the estate to the shops and she was not impressed 🤣 I made it to the end of the road and had to come back because I was shaky and knackered.

I mean each to their own but you're not BU and I would absolutely start laying the ground rules!

You are being perfectly reasonable. I had three home births, in part because my mother in law insisted she would come to hospital and wait through my labour, against my wishes and that ‘I wouldn’t care when the time came’. So I booked homebirths and announced that anyone who turned up uninvited would have a long wait parked on my driveway. No one turned up, obviously. You, and only you, decide what you’re up to and when in this situation. Good luck with your home birth - I loved it and was bouncing afterwards.
*to add, MiL and I are close and get on well 17 years later - this was just something we couldn’t see eye to eye on so I took firm action. I love her very much.

She disagrees with it. Well she disagrees with it past 6 months and she disagrees with ever doing it in front of people, even if covered up.

I would suggest saying something along the lines of - “oh it’s so nice you’re all coming. I’ll look forward to you visiting me and the baby at home while we get feeding established and start to get the hang of being parents, and Mum / Dad [ie their child] will be able to show you round the sights once you’ve all had enough of cuddling the baby / talking to us sleep deprived new parents”.

have some lines prepared, make sure you and DH have each other’s backs and get your mum on side too.

I think I will send a message into the group chat with something along the lines of that and suggest a hotel that is close to the touristy areas so that they don’t need me to show them around.

DH definitely has my back, he’s ready to stand at the door and not let anyone in if I I ask him to bless him😂.

During your grandmother's time being a mum, her baby would have been removed from her and put in a room with other babies to scream until she passed out.
They would be given strict feeding times (think zoo feeding times where everyone gets a view) and told not to breastfeed over 6 weeks because it spoils the baby.
After at least a week of being trained to ignore their baby until 3pm and 7pm and then 7am they would be discharged home where they would have dinner for their husband and catching up on laundry and house guests dropping in to play with newborn whilst mum does everything else.
You may need to review their visiting times and how long you allow them in your home/tell them to meet at their rentals so you can leave when you need to.
You will be bleeding and navigating all that goes with that, and need to be in bed breastfeeding to rest and bond.

Tell them you're looking forward to them coming as you have a list of jobs for them to do all ready to give them.

Get them a bus timetable and a map, marking off spots you've spoken about, and let them crack on.

You are not being unreasonable. I would def say something sooner rather than later. Its AOK to put yourself first in this example. Its your birth and your baby. They can come at your convenience imo. Be firm. You sound very fair to me

Just don't tell anyone when the baby is born - wait for a couple of weeks. Sorted!

My in laws arrived too soon after one of my babies were born. Im much older now, I was much more of a people pleaser in those days. They were lovely, but they came too soon. I didn't advocate for myself enough then. I do now!