AIBU to tell my grandparents that I won’t be entertaining them?

[kfellover]

I’m due to give birth to my first baby at the end of August. I live quite far from family and they have all decided when the baby is born they will travel to us and stay nearby for a few days so that they aren’t travelling a lot in one day. That’s fine by me.

However, one set of grandparents have never visited before so this will be their first time. They’re treating them coming up as if it’s a little holiday for them and aren’t considering that I will have just given birth. They keep talking about how I will be able to show them places that I’ve spoke about etc. I’ve told them that I might not be up for that depending on how the birth goes and how I’m feeling, so if they want to do stuff then they need to plan it themselves, but they don’t seem to be listening to me.

It’s really been stressing me out. I’m happy for them to see the baby and to come over for a little while but after that I’d prefer for them to entertain themselves and I’ll join them if I feel up to it. Plus I want to breastfeed and I don’t want to have to cover myself up/take myself to another room whilst I’m still establishing it, but I know my grandmother will have lots to say about me breastfeeding. I also plan on having a home birth and I’m worried as soon as I announce that baby has been born they will be on their way and not give us time to settle in like we would if we were coming home from hospital.

WIBU to tell them they’re more than welcome to visit when I feel comfortable with it but if they plan on staying for a few days they need to entertain themselves?. I feel like this isn’t unreasonable but my grandmother has made a couple of comments about how I’m being precious and it’s got in my head a little bit and just want to make sure I’m not being unfair.

Whrn my first was born my midwife gave me golden advice. She said....if you want to breastfeed your world has to shrink to you and your baby.

I think a major reason BF rates are so low in the Uk is the insane expectations put on mums post partum to be up and about hosting cooking entertaining looking after toddlers etc.

In traditional cultures mum is in bed for the first couple of weeks and women ij the family step in to cook clean and take turns to take the baby so mum can rest.

If you think any visitor will interfere with or even comment on your feeding of your baby .. there is literally no space for thst person in the first weeks of your baby's life

You just need to be blunt and do what works for you. Your Grandparents can wait a few weeks I’m sure before coming, or tell them to keep the visit short but empathise again you won’t be showing them around, you’ll be recovering from the birth

Tell them you'll let them know when you're up for visitors - I was happy to see family straight away but some people like to wait a while. I liked it because they did stuff for us - all the shopping, housework etc! But if you don't think that is going to happen for you I'd advise you to tell them not to come straight away.

When they do come, don't feel railroaded into pleasing them. Only go out if and when you want to. It's difficult to put a time on it as you don't know how you're going to feel and everyone is different, but remember you'll have a new baby and you and the baby come first, not grandparents or anyone else!

Whrn my first was born my midwife gave me golden advice. She said....if you want to breastfeed your world has to shrink to you and your baby.

It doesn't have to shrink - I just breastfed when I needed to and pretty much wherever I was. My first baby was a summer baby which helped, but I never felt it was something I couldn't do in public.

A good reason for sending her out of the room whenever your baby needs a feed!

You could always make a date for them to come up and see you and the baby - for a month or so (as long as you dare) after the expected arrival? That way you won't have an unexpected visit and you'll be in a better position for entertaining.

I banned all visits for 2 days after i got home from hospital. Obviously both sets of parents wanted to be the first to say hi to the baby, so I had to manage expectations there. I made sure that all visitors were given a chore to help the "new parents". I didn't want gifts, I wanted help. I suggest putting an "ooh while your here, could ya just..." list together on your phone. (mowing the lawn, cleaning stuff, washing up...anything). Some folk will be grateful for feeling helpful, other will feel resentful and it'll discourage them visiting too often.

You want to post into your group chat clear ground rules for handling the baby:
No kissing the baby - modern thinking is that babies are very vulnerable to things like cold sores.
No waking the baby - you wake it you put it back to sleep.
The baby will be given to you, don't just pick the baby up.
Add anything you feel is right for you.

You are a mum now...advocate for your baby!

I have already spoke to them about no kissing/washing hands before holding the baby etc and I will make sure I remind them again before they come. I will also definitely make sure they help out a little around the house.

The "broken record" technique works well on push parents/grandparents.
"I'm not well enough to go with you to X"
"oh, but we were so looking forword to spending time with you and the baby.
", I know but I'm not well enough to go with you to X"
"But, we're only visiting just this time."
"I hear that, but I'm not well enough to go with you to X"...

Repeat the same phrase/combination of words till the point lands. I do not start it with "I'm sorry".

Tell them in 6 months time! They dont need to come over the day after the birth

Maybe, the doctor “reevaluated” your due date to one week later. Or, “Granny, you do know first babies are notoriously late when making their appearance?” And, then proceed to have the baby on the due date and “neglect” to notify them for a day or two.

They are being very rude and inconsiderate. How about when Grandmother or Granddad has had an operation you call and immediately announce you are coming to their house for a visit and are planning on staying there because it “works” best for you? When their reaction is “Don’t do that”, you could gently remind them how they descended on you right after the baby was born and you thought you would follow their lead.

The entitlement and poor manners of some people is just amazing.

Second staying in bed to feed if you feel you need it. And keep in your night attire for as long as you feel you want to that shows people that you are staying home. Midwife s orders. Remember that you will have a wound the size of a dinner plate where the placenta was attached and possibly you might have a tear . So very important to heal and take care of yourself, and have others taken care of you so you are well enough to look after your baby

I would 100% set ground rules. I had at home water birth btw, it was amazing and so relaxing. One tip is to print out a sign saying home birth do not disturb that your DH can pop on the front door so the local delivery man doesn’t knock and disturb you. As for visitors I sent a message to all my closest friends and family as my due date drew closer politely asking them not to ask if I’d had the baby yet, that I would tell them all when she was here and when they could visit. I also had a visitation “tax” I asked my visitors to bring a meal with them that could go in the freezer such as bolognaise. That was a life saver we were given so much delicious food that we could just chuck in the microwave. I failed to meal prep before giving birth. The only person who turned up without invite was the grandmother of my step son. A lady who id never met and isn’t welcome in our house (long story) otherwise friends were allowed to visit after a week and with invite only. Family were earlier. My mum was actually at the birth and stayed over the first night. I highly recommend this aswell. She was a superstar.

Just to make it very easy for everyone - including you and DH, make sure you have some lovely hand soap and towels (plenty of them - or paper towels if that’s easier for you), in the kitchen as well as every bathroom. Previous generations will eyeroll a bit and treat it all as “Precious Firstborn Syndrome” but you need to remind them that COVID wasn’t a thing when they had babies and there are a lot more people around than ever before, so a lot more viruses. No faces near babies is a very good rule.

Get them to come another time. I wish I'd been more assertive with my mum. I was a wreck after my c section and her disappointment with how she thought it was going to be vs the reality of the visit led to some unhelpful behaviours and comments. We're still not as tight as we were because of it.

Perfect!

"Sorry, don't feel like going out today after all. I'm absolutely shattered, there's the baby, she's fast asleep, just been fed/changed. Can you keep an eye on her, I'm going up for a couple of hours sleep. Oh, could you hang the washing out, wash up, clean round the kitchen, peel the veg for dinner. A cup of tea in a couple of hours would be nice. If she wakes up, just pick her up and soothe her. Lovely to see you 🙂".

Oh my goodness!
I had 3 relatively “ easy “ births and there is no way I’d be a tour guide 🙄
I think your grandparents generation ( well I’m guessing) are from the time you got a rest in hospital for a few days and babies were taken to the nursery and bottle fed or delivered to mum just for a breast feed then taken away again .
I did have relatives come and visit for the day when my 3rd was very small , they did expect lunch but didn’t expect me to show them the town 🤪

Thank you for the advice everyone, especially advice for the home birth. Everyone seems to be okay with the plans so hopefully it stays that way.

Bully for her! In response to any comments tell her:

:Ok. If yu dont like it/a uncomfortable grandma then I suggest you leave the room until I have finished!" ..."No I'm quite comfortable here thanks; I'm not leaving but you are welcome to if you feel happier to do that than to stay"

"I am not going out to take you on visits this time. Its lovely to see you but my priority is "baby" at the moment so I suggest you spend ....doing what you want to. It will be lovely to see you on ...day and I'll make sure we have some Bits and Bob's in to eat"

All said calmly ....and use broken record when tod you are talking rubbish or whatever ...prefaced with "Yes you have told you your views/wishes. However ....." 💐

Ughh no you’re not being unreasonable at all.

First off, you don’t know what your birth will be like, what sort of state you will be in and allllllll that goes with having given birth.

I would send a very clear message to all, to tell them that you will let them know when it is ok to see you, at home, and not before.

I was very clear with my husband that when baby two was born, that the very first person to meet her was her big sister, so she didn’t feel left out. And guess what, despite in laws being told this in no uncertain terms, they were sitting in my driveway when we pulled up from the hospital. I was absolutely fuming, felt really unwell and they didn’t leave. I took the newborn upstairs with me and locked the bedroom door.

I got accused of being selfish and rude. They quickly learned how rude I could be!!

Stand up for yourself xxxx

@PeepDeBeaul so glad dd1 who recently had her first baby didn't give me a list of dos and don'ts! She wasn't my first grandchild and I have had 4dc, one still at school. My dd1 trusts me with her baby - both her and her dh are doctors.

**This!
I'm due in three weeks, my sister and her family, along with my parents are coming over now for a week and all staying at my house, which I love. But then my sister and her family will leave and my mum and dar are going to stay with over for a couple of months. They'll help around with cooking as well as my other two little boys.
They've been fantastic with the births of my other two children and I just have the confidence in them.
We were very clear with DS1 that he wasn't a toy. No visitors (except PIL) for a few weeks until immunity perks up for baby. And definitely not holding baby if you are unwell/cold/sniffle, I don't care. Babies immunity takes a while to kick in even if you're breastfeeding.
Having a little one being passed around? I've seen tooooo many poorly babies because if this :(

have you read the lemon clot essay? I was against visitors and stood my ground - this essay helped when there was any pouting. I shared it far and wide and think anyone expecting a baby or intending to visit a new mother should read it too.

"The Lemon Clot Essay (by Sharon1964)

You will be leaking out of places you don't want to leak out of. Do you really want to stand up from the couch and have your father's parents see that not only have you bled through your pad, but the blood is now running down your leg. Do you really want to say, "honey, can you come with me to the bathroom, I am bleeding all over and I feel a huge bloodclot coming out"... in front of them? Contrast that to "mom, I need your help please, now, I'm bleeding all over!" Does your husband really understand the volume of stuff that will be coming out of you, the possibility of lemon-sized clots of blood? Not 2-dimensional lemon-sized, but huge, round, 3-dimensional lemon-sized?

How many bathrooms do you have? If only one, do you REALLY want to have to make it "guest-level clean" every time you leave it? Do you really want this gang of people ogling your diaper-sized pads, peribottle, tucks pads, and all the other supplies that will be in the bathroom? Even if you have two bathrooms, that means you can't use the main bathroom, because you still have to leave it "guest-level clean" every time you use it.

Do they really plan to do something other than hold the baby, pass the baby around, and sit around expecting you guys to wait on them? Are they going to sit and stare at you? Thirty minutes after they arrive, and baby wants to breastfeed, are they going to quickly and willingly LEAVE your home so that you can breastfeed in the privacy and comfort of your space? Or are they going to hang around outside, waiting for you to be done, and knocking every so often wanting to know if they can come back in? Yeah, that's great for breastfeeding.

Or better yet, are they going to blow you off, saying "it's no big deal", and expect you to breastfeed in front of them? Even experienced moms need several weeks of practice to get good at it, so to speak, so that they can breastfeed wherever they want. Learning to breastfeed is not a time for people to ogle and stare at you.

When your breasts are engorged and painful and you want NOTHING to touch them, what then? Does your dh think it will be okay for his dad to stare at your huge naked breasts as you walk around topless?

What if your birth is smack in the middle of their trip? So what are they going to do the first few days, before baby? Are they going to sit and stare at you, waiting for the big moment? Then what? Are they going to camp out in your hospital room every day, all day? Yeah, that's great for resting. What happens when you leave the hospital and they beat you to your own home, and all you want to do is lay down in your own bed? Are they going to leave graciously, or are they going to sit in your living room, eating your food, messing up your house, and making noise, so you can't nap?

Does your DH understand ANY of these things?? Does he not understand that it is NOT about entertaining guests, but about recovery from a major medical procedure (either vaginal or c-section)? Does he not understand that you just grew another human being in your body, and will have just gone through the process of getting it out?? This is going to be an exhausting, messy, wildly hormonal time. Does he not get that??

https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this

Thank you for this, it’s definitely made me think about boundaries. I will make sure I’m not pushed to do anything I’m not comfortable with.

Tell your father to be their tour guide . It's his parents not yours.