AIBU to tell my grandparents that I won’t be entertaining them?

[kfellover]

I’m due to give birth to my first baby at the end of August. I live quite far from family and they have all decided when the baby is born they will travel to us and stay nearby for a few days so that they aren’t travelling a lot in one day. That’s fine by me.

However, one set of grandparents have never visited before so this will be their first time. They’re treating them coming up as if it’s a little holiday for them and aren’t considering that I will have just given birth. They keep talking about how I will be able to show them places that I’ve spoke about etc. I’ve told them that I might not be up for that depending on how the birth goes and how I’m feeling, so if they want to do stuff then they need to plan it themselves, but they don’t seem to be listening to me.

It’s really been stressing me out. I’m happy for them to see the baby and to come over for a little while but after that I’d prefer for them to entertain themselves and I’ll join them if I feel up to it. Plus I want to breastfeed and I don’t want to have to cover myself up/take myself to another room whilst I’m still establishing it, but I know my grandmother will have lots to say about me breastfeeding. I also plan on having a home birth and I’m worried as soon as I announce that baby has been born they will be on their way and not give us time to settle in like we would if we were coming home from hospital.

WIBU to tell them they’re more than welcome to visit when I feel comfortable with it but if they plan on staying for a few days they need to entertain themselves?. I feel like this isn’t unreasonable but my grandmother has made a couple of comments about how I’m being precious and it’s got in my head a little bit and just want to make sure I’m not being unfair.

Op may I suggest…i AM breastfeeding and need time and privacy to establish this. (No “planning to breastfeed”

is whooping cough still a concern because I distinctly remember my Dsis being immunized BEFORE meeting baby?

this is your first baby? You will
do great but sometimes birth can take unexpected turn…what if you end up deciding to go to hospital? Labor at home or hospital is physical work. You will be tired. They cannot expect you to do anything postpartum
i read somewhere don’t even offer so much as a glass of water

lastly…DNan knows nothing about modern breastfeeding or parenting. Kindly but very firmly put a stop to this advice immediately.

breastfeeding takes a bit to work. I found myself most discouraged at 3- 4 weeks…not days. And then suddenly at 5 ish weeks it became simple. Same with bleeding it went on a long time and then it was like a faucet had been turned off. I had unmedicated births with no tears or episitomies I walked and used birth ball and I still was so sore and the damn hemorrhoids (piles?) were the worst.
Oh and….no event planning. If they can’t google someone else can for them. They can pop by to lay eyes on baby and then off they go to their sites but not you not baby

If they are coming a distance, trying to get them to delay for 3-4 weeks mays sense. My parents came after a month and I was able to host, entertain, even went on a little road trip (I lived overseas) but i couldn't have done that for the first few days (and I was young and had very easy births)

Thank you, I have changed it to “I will be breastfeeding”, will send it tomorrow morning.

I don’t think anyone needs to be immunised for whooping cough before meeting baby.

This is my first baby, if I decide to go to hospital I can imagine it would be much easier as family wouldn’t visit until I got home. I think because I’m having a home birth they think I’ll just be right as rain straight away.

I will put a stop to Nans opinions about breastfeeding, I just don’t want her to be making comments straight after I give birth as I know I might be too emotional to be level headed in my responses.

Thank you for all your advice it’s really helpful!.

Someone else in your family needs to tell them they cannot come. (Or even your DH!) This is ludicrous. I was happy to pop and see people for half hour here and half hour there soon after my DC were born, but I didn't want ANYONE in our home.

It was our little sanctuary, and I found people coming round (particularly uninvited) invasive, irksome, and intrusive. Especially seeing as how some people don't seem to know when to fuck off home, and stick around for 4 or 5 hours! Your grandparents can't come @kfellover and it's bonkers for them to think they can!!!

You could wait a week before having visitors

I'd advise 2 weeks - but you will never regret holding that baby close and not letting people in

Certainly if you have a home birth do not tell anyone till everything is tidied up and you have a good clean up .. get your OH fully on board with this before the event

They might know your due date - but your due date might well not be the date the baby arrives. He/she could be two weeks early or, like one of mine, nearly three weeks late.

You tell them the baby has arrived when YOU want to. Your due date means nothing really.

My midwives for DC 2 and 3 basically told me to stay in bed for a week and I mostly did. It’s important to rest and recover.

I’m fine with people coming over. I’d prefer that than having to visit people. As long as they don’t stay for long and don’t expect me to host them I’m more than happy for them to come over. Obviously if that changes after birth then I will tell them I’d prefer not to have people over but as of now I’m fine with it.

I will make sure DH knows I only want short visits so if people are overstaying their welcome he can make sure they leave.

Yes I will definitely make sure I’m cleaned up and as I play on having a birthing pool I don’t want people over whilst that’s still up😂.

If you don’t feel confident saying anything, could your parents do it on your behalf?

My dad and my aunt (my grandads kids) definitely would say something. I think I might recommend that my aunt and grandparents come at the same time so that she can usher them out if they’re overstaying their welcome.

I had to empty my DD's birthing pool. The MW give you bags for the 'human waste'. If I hadn't have been there, they would have done it. You need a big sieve that you will bin afterwards. I was my DD's birthing partner.

It doesn't matter how well you feel, your cervix is still high, you will be prone to infection and you need to rest to heal and build up your iron and minerals. In previous generations women's health wasn't considered. If you give birth late and you are both tired, the actual cleaning and putting it away might not happen until the next day. But then again your DH could be on a high and want something to do. Shut down any expectations and make it clear that you need to play it by ear. The baby will still be little enough at Christmas.

Due dates can change in the last few weeks. Id be sending an announcement saying the dates have changed based on scan to a week later continue as required.
Then once you are in labour you can take the few days to need and say baby was born xxyy
Likely lots will have the hump but so what!?

Haven’t read all the thread admittedly. Honestly, when you’ve grown and birthed a baby I think it’s a great time to allow yourself to be a little bit ‘precious’. Really it is ok and most of us are. That said, I don’t think what you’re proposing is in any way unreasonable. I would have hated guests in the first couple of months, even more so opinionated ones. Just a thought, you don’t need to announce the birth until you’re good and ready……

Also keep the hotel closer to the touristy areas than your home… (experience)

Good idea! Thank you.

Thank you for all the advice. I’d like to tell everyone when the baby is born instead of keeping it a secret for a few days, it would upset family and I wouldn’t like to deal with the stress of that. But I will make sure that I’m all cleaned up and as settled as I can before before announcing the birth and then only have family over when I’m ready, whether that be the next day or in a few weeks.

I will send the message tomorrow and see how it goes from there. If I need to be stricter with my boundaries then I will be.

Just a thought….

Hi everyone, as I’m getting closer to my due date I just wanted to make sure everyone is aware of the plans for coming to visit.

When I feel ready for visitors I will let you know and we can arrange for you to come over. I am very much looking forward to spending the early weeks recovering, establishing breastfeeding and bonding with the baby. We’re so excited to share the baby with you, but nervous that our focus won’t be on hosting this time. I won’t be planning to be out and about, but very happy to share
info for the best places to go/eat so that you can entertain yourself when I’m not up for having people over.

That’s brilliant! Thank you so much, have copied that and will send it in the morning.

They keep talking about how I will be able to show them places that I’ve spoke about etc. I’ve told them that I might not be up for that depending on how the birth goes and how I’m feeling,

Trust me, you won't want to be going sightseeing, even if you have a textbook easy birth. You'll be dealing with a newborn with no routine, you'll be trying to establish feeding, you'll be awash with hormones, you'll be bleeding and have sore breasts.

Just tell them there is absolutely no chance whatsoever that you will be showing them places or even leaving the house, and if they want to come they will have to find a hotel and sort out all their own sightseeing.

Put your foot down and tell them that you will need at least 2 weeks at home before they visit. Also make it very clear that you will absolutely not be taking them sightseeing. Look after yourself. This is the time you need to think about you and your baby, not other people

Just an update. I sent the text into the group chat this morning and everyone seems fine with it, DH has also followed up by asking them to message him and not me if they need any help as I’ll be busy recovering.

I’ll update you again on how it went when baby is here. Thank you again for your advice.

Hi op,

you are not precious, she is by asking you to come first in front of your newborn babe 🫣

Be clear: « I have had some time to think and I have decided to opt out of visiting. I am happy people visiting the babe but as I have to facilitate so much guests, it would be unfair to take some time out…from baby and from guests travelling far to see us. I hope you understand. »

then repeat. If they come and say something : « I am sorry, I said I can’t. » If they insist: send your mom or have your hubby sends his mom. No confrontation, send their child to enforce your boundary.

Good luck 🌺 and CONGRATS!!!

Sorry, not seen last update :)

Don't tell them you've had the baby until you are ready for them to visit. At first you only want people to visit for a short time and you definitely won't want to be going out and be a tour guide to people. Don't feel guilty & stick up for yourself.... congratulations for when the baby arrives....