Page 5 | AIBU to tell my grandparents that I won’t be entertaining them?

kfellover · 2024-08-07T18:05:13+00:00

I’m due to give birth to my first baby at the end of August. I live quite far from family and they have all decided when the baby is born they will travel to us and stay nearby for a few days so that they aren’t travelling a lot in one day. That’s fine by me. However, one set of grandparents have never visited before so this will be their first time. They’re treating them coming up as if it’s a little holiday for them and aren’t considering that I will have just given birth. They keep talking about how I will be able to show them places that I’ve spoke about etc. I’ve told them that I might not be up for that depending on how the birth goes and how I’m feeling, so if they want to do stuff then they need to plan it themselves, but they don’t seem to be listening to me. It’s really been stressing me out. I’m happy for them to see the baby and to come over for a little while but after that I’d prefer for them to entertain themselves and I’ll join them if I feel up to it. Plus I want to breastfeed and I don’t want to have to cover myself up/take myself to another room whilst I’m still establishing it, but I know my grandmother will have lots to say about me breastfeeding. I also plan on having a home birth and I’m worried as soon as I announce that baby has been born they will be on their way and not give us time to settle in like we would if we were coming home from hospital. WIBU to tell them they’re more than welcome to visit when I feel comfortable with it but if they plan on staying for a few days they need to entertain themselves?. I feel like this isn’t unreasonable but my grandmother has made a couple of comments about how I’m being precious and it’s got in my head a little bit and just want to make sure I’m not being unfair.

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 13/08/2024 08:04

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 07/08/2024 23:04

Someone else in your family needs to tell them they cannot come. (Or even your DH!) This is ludicrous. I was happy to pop and see people for half hour here and half hour there soon after my DC were born, but I didn't want ANYONE in our home.

It was our little sanctuary, and I found people coming round (particularly uninvited) invasive, irksome, and intrusive. Especially seeing as how some people don't seem to know when to fuck off home, and stick around for 4 or 5 hours! Your grandparents can't come @kfellover and it's bonkers for them to think they can!!!

This is so, so weird.

T1Dmama · 15/08/2024 18:00

Saytheyhear · 07/08/2024 20:34

During your grandmother's time being a mum, her baby would have been removed from her and put in a room with other babies to scream until she passed out.
They would be given strict feeding times (think zoo feeding times where everyone gets a view) and told not to breastfeed over 6 weeks because it spoils the baby.
After at least a week of being trained to ignore their baby until 3pm and 7pm and then 7am they would be discharged home where they would have dinner for their husband and catching up on laundry and house guests dropping in to play with newborn whilst mum does everything else.
You may need to review their visiting times and how long you allow them in your home/tell them to meet at their rentals so you can leave when you need to.
You will be bleeding and navigating all that goes with that, and need to be in bed breastfeeding to rest and bond.

What culture is that?? My Nan (98)
mother (71) sister (52) and myself (47) all breastfed…. No rules about not breast feeding after 6 weeks…. That’s bizarre

Kskinner648 · 16/08/2024 06:30

My grandparents did the same thing to me. My grandmother called me a few weeks before my planned c section with my 3rd child and said they'd be coming to stay with us. They planned on arriving the day I was scheduled to have my baby. I told my grandmother it wasn't a good time. She said they'd wait.
Their "wait" was 2 days. They came into town 2 days after my c section. My grandmother was appalled at how rude I was for being in the hospital instead of home to greet them. My doctor wanted me to stay another day for medical reasons but I told her I needed to be at home. I did not want my husband having to deal with my entitled grandmother on top of running the household in my absence. My grandmother had always been rude to him, so I wasn't dumping that on him.
We get home and settled in. My pain meds had worn off that point and I was really struggling. I almost lost it when my grandmother asked where she and my grandpa would be sleeping. I suggested a hotel. She told me she assumed I'd be giving up my bed for them. I firmly told her no. She was mad but said she'd get a hotel room.
She then told us to take her and my grandpa to see the town. She refused to sit anywhere but the front seat. With the carseats, that left one seat in the middle row for an adult. My grandmother said my grandpa was absolutely not crawling over the seat to the third row. I ended up being the one to do it.
They ended up going to a hotel for a few nights but were at my house every waking moment of the day. It was a relief when they went home.
I then found out my grandmother called her entire side of the family to tell them what a horrible host I had been. At that point, I could only laugh.
I know this is a long comment, but I hope it serves as a warning to new moms. Draw your boundaries early. Stick to them.

Original poster

kfellover · 16/08/2024 16:54

Kskinner648 · 16/08/2024 06:30

My grandparents did the same thing to me. My grandmother called me a few weeks before my planned c section with my 3rd child and said they'd be coming to stay with us. They planned on arriving the day I was scheduled to have my baby. I told my grandmother it wasn't a good time. She said they'd wait.
Their "wait" was 2 days. They came into town 2 days after my c section. My grandmother was appalled at how rude I was for being in the hospital instead of home to greet them. My doctor wanted me to stay another day for medical reasons but I told her I needed to be at home. I did not want my husband having to deal with my entitled grandmother on top of running the household in my absence. My grandmother had always been rude to him, so I wasn't dumping that on him.
We get home and settled in. My pain meds had worn off that point and I was really struggling. I almost lost it when my grandmother asked where she and my grandpa would be sleeping. I suggested a hotel. She told me she assumed I'd be giving up my bed for them. I firmly told her no. She was mad but said she'd get a hotel room.
She then told us to take her and my grandpa to see the town. She refused to sit anywhere but the front seat. With the carseats, that left one seat in the middle row for an adult. My grandmother said my grandpa was absolutely not crawling over the seat to the third row. I ended up being the one to do it.
They ended up going to a hotel for a few nights but were at my house every waking moment of the day. It was a relief when they went home.
I then found out my grandmother called her entire side of the family to tell them what a horrible host I had been. At that point, I could only laugh.
I know this is a long comment, but I hope it serves as a warning to new moms. Draw your boundaries early. Stick to them.

Bloody hell that sounds awful, I’m so sorry you went through that!. My family definitely wouldn’t be that bad but as you say it’s good to stick to your boundaries.

OP posts:

Boomer55 · 16/08/2024 16:59

Tell them that you’re quite happy for a home visit, as that’s no strain, but that you cannot go charging around visitor sites.

tuttuttutt · 17/08/2024 10:12

Kskinner648 · 16/08/2024 06:30

My grandparents did the same thing to me. My grandmother called me a few weeks before my planned c section with my 3rd child and said they'd be coming to stay with us. They planned on arriving the day I was scheduled to have my baby. I told my grandmother it wasn't a good time. She said they'd wait.
Their "wait" was 2 days. They came into town 2 days after my c section. My grandmother was appalled at how rude I was for being in the hospital instead of home to greet them. My doctor wanted me to stay another day for medical reasons but I told her I needed to be at home. I did not want my husband having to deal with my entitled grandmother on top of running the household in my absence. My grandmother had always been rude to him, so I wasn't dumping that on him.
We get home and settled in. My pain meds had worn off that point and I was really struggling. I almost lost it when my grandmother asked where she and my grandpa would be sleeping. I suggested a hotel. She told me she assumed I'd be giving up my bed for them. I firmly told her no. She was mad but said she'd get a hotel room.
She then told us to take her and my grandpa to see the town. She refused to sit anywhere but the front seat. With the carseats, that left one seat in the middle row for an adult. My grandmother said my grandpa was absolutely not crawling over the seat to the third row. I ended up being the one to do it.
They ended up going to a hotel for a few nights but were at my house every waking moment of the day. It was a relief when they went home.
I then found out my grandmother called her entire side of the family to tell them what a horrible host I had been. At that point, I could only laugh.
I know this is a long comment, but I hope it serves as a warning to new moms. Draw your boundaries early. Stick to them.

You should have just said no to them visiting if you knew what they were like. It's major surgery and you would have needed rest and recovery. Any other surgery this wouldn't have been expected.

Original poster

kfellover · 04/09/2024 12:53

Hi everyone, I just wanted to update you all as you were so kind and gave me some really helpful advice.

Our beautiful little boy was born on the 2nd of September. He is absolutely wonderful. I managed a home birth like I wanted and it went really smoothly, although the was nearly 9lbs which wasn’t expected!!. He was born in the very early hours, by midday I’d let family know and they turned up in the evening. They stayed for an hour or so, brought lots of food and presents and then entertained themself for the rest of their visit other than seeing us again quickly before they left. They were brilliant and it all went really smoothly. I stayed in bed the whole time and think that really helped them to manage their expectations of what I would be doing.

I’m so thankful for all of your advice and looking back and laughing now that I thought there was even the slightest chance that I would want to be a tour guide😂. I was in labour for nearly 30 hours and I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, I can barely manage walking from my bedroom to the en suite let alone around town😂.

Thank you again for all your help and advice.

OP posts:

StartupRepair · 04/09/2024 13:05

Congratulations! What a lovely update. Glad the family visit worked out ok. Hope you are getting bits of rest where you can.

Balloonhearts · 04/09/2024 13:16

kfellover · 07/08/2024 19:32

She disagrees with it. Well she disagrees with it past 6 months and she disagrees with ever doing it in front of people, even if covered up.

Show quote history

Never mind, missed update. Congrats on your beautiful baby boy.

viques · 04/09/2024 15:00

Congratulations on your new addition. (And excuse me while I cross my legs at the thought of a 9 pounder!) I hope you are feeling a bit more comfortable and are enjoying the wonderful early days .

And excellent timing too, he will be the eldest in his cohort in school, and ready for a September Reception start - though you don’t need to think about that now, and it will mean more in 5 years time, a few more milestones to get through first.🙂

JustBec · 04/09/2024 16:13

Congratulations! I’m so glad you got your home birth, family were supportive and you have your lovely baby boy!