AIBU to tell my grandparents that I won’t be entertaining them?

[kfellover]

I’m due to give birth to my first baby at the end of August. I live quite far from family and they have all decided when the baby is born they will travel to us and stay nearby for a few days so that they aren’t travelling a lot in one day. That’s fine by me.

However, one set of grandparents have never visited before so this will be their first time. They’re treating them coming up as if it’s a little holiday for them and aren’t considering that I will have just given birth. They keep talking about how I will be able to show them places that I’ve spoke about etc. I’ve told them that I might not be up for that depending on how the birth goes and how I’m feeling, so if they want to do stuff then they need to plan it themselves, but they don’t seem to be listening to me.

It’s really been stressing me out. I’m happy for them to see the baby and to come over for a little while but after that I’d prefer for them to entertain themselves and I’ll join them if I feel up to it. Plus I want to breastfeed and I don’t want to have to cover myself up/take myself to another room whilst I’m still establishing it, but I know my grandmother will have lots to say about me breastfeeding. I also plan on having a home birth and I’m worried as soon as I announce that baby has been born they will be on their way and not give us time to settle in like we would if we were coming home from hospital.

WIBU to tell them they’re more than welcome to visit when I feel comfortable with it but if they plan on staying for a few days they need to entertain themselves?. I feel like this isn’t unreasonable but my grandmother has made a couple of comments about how I’m being precious and it’s got in my head a little bit and just want to make sure I’m not being unfair.

I’d rather not do this, they already know my due date and I wouldn’t like to hide that I’ve had the baby from them. I’m happy to not announce it until I’m all cleaned up and settled, but I wouldn’t like to completely hide it from them.

If your dad isn’t close to them and your mum and DH have your back, I would t worry about pissing them off.

I would send a message saying you are happy to have them to stay but want them to remember that you’ll just have given birth and won’t be doing any sightseeing or guided tours! Did your dad’s step mum give birth? Or so, ask what she did in the weeks afterwards!?

I didn't want any visitors at all. I felt very unwell in myself. When family did come, I hated it. All but my mum that is (who actually helped a bit). I think having visitors soon after the birth of a baby can be really traumatic for some mothers.
Don't arrange for them to come. The opposite. Then if you do feel well, and happy for visitors you can suggest it at the time - when you know how you are.
You are very important. How you feel is very important. Don't feel rushed or like they are owed an early visit, they aren't owed anything. Just wait and see before committing to anything at all

I couldn’t give a shit if my dad’s step mum disagreed with breastfeeding and wouldn’t want to hear her views on it just after I’d given birth!

I’m very close to them though, especially my grandad. So I’d rather find a way to implement my boundaries but not upset them.

Yeah, my grandmother gave birth, her son is in his 50’s now and from what she has said she was in hospital for a week to rest and she had a really difficult birth, but she was back to cooking and cleaning straight away. How much of this is true I’m not sure, but I think she expects the same of every woman.

Oh god we had this.

They turned up at the hospital while we still had a baby in nicu wanting photos.

I wasn't impressed.

She isn’t just my dads step mum, she’s my Nan. She has been around since before I was born and she’s the same as any of my mother Nans to me. Of course that doesn’t give her the right to be rude or give me unsolicited advice, but she is more than just my dads step mum, she’s part of my family.

My mil was in hospital 10days with hers- waited on and night nurses doing all wake ups. She couldn't understand why I, 7hrs postpartum, kicked her out of my house when she'd been there 4hrs. Thought I was rude for wanting to sleep after laboring for 3 days!

You need to set expectations and explain how important the first few days are for recovery. Say the midwives suggest limiting contact for the first few weeks or something- say because of a covid strain or whopping cough going around or something.

Also with a homebirth you have lots of visits in the days after- never with a set time, midwives and support people just turn up and then you have to take baby to hospital for a check after a week or something.

I'd suggest saying they should come 2 weeks after the birth- say they'll be able to stay longer and you and baby will be around more.

This happened to my mum when she had me. As soon as she went into labour the family were alerted and they all turned up to the hospital and waited until DM gave birth. She had a really traumatic birth and I was quite poorly but she still had to deal with the family. I’m worried that they expect the same from me!.

I obviously won’t tell them until after I’ve given birth and am ready to have people over but it’s just annoying that I have to navigate this.

Really try and limit visits on days 3/4 when your hormones go mad and your milk comes in. I was ridiculously emotional and know quite a few friends really struggled with it too.

I wouldn’t want to hear anyone telling me they don’t want to see people breastfeeding whilst I was trying to establish it-grandmother, step grandmother or whoever!

If you are really close to your
grandad-ring him and talk him through your worries now.

Grandad, I’m really looking forward to you coming to stay but I am aware that I’m
not going to be up to sightseeing or giving you guided tours and really want to focus on establishing breastfeeding and and want you to be aware that this might involve me having my boobs out!

That’s a really good idea thank you. I think I will send a text to the family group chat just so it doesn’t seem like I’m only targeting them as I know he can be quite sensitive, just reminding everyone that I won’t be up for going out or hosting lots of people.

I can tell you now that there is absolutely no way you will be going out and showing anyone around the area.
You'll only want them in the house for limited visits because you won't be running around making drinks & feeding them - in fact as family, they should be doing that for you.

Email/ text GPs & DPs now saying whilst your excited about introducing them to your baby you want to be clear now

• you won't be doing any showing around the area
• you won't be doing any catering
• baby & you come first so you won't be tied down to a timetable

Does this message sound okay to send into the family chat?. Is it assertive enough?.

Hi everyone, as I’m getting closer to my due date I just wanted to make sure everyone is aware of the plans for coming to visit.
When I feel ready for visitors I will let you know and we can arrange for when you can come over. As I’m hoping to breastfeed and will be spending my time recovering and bonding with the baby I won’t feel up to going out, but I can send you the info for the best places to go/eat so that you can entertain yourself when I’m not up for having people over.

Yes, that’s fine. They should have realised that you wouldn’t be ready to be a tour guide for a long while.

Good message. Even with hopefully a smooth birth you will be utterly focused on the baby, establishing feeding, dealing with heavy bleeding , feeling massively emotional and exhausted. I couldn't have taken people sightseeing anymore than I could have run an Olympic race!

"I think I will leave it a good few hours until I’m a bit more settled and the house has been clean etc."

A few hours?! You will have just given birth! You might be very lucky and feel fine, but you might be in no condition to do anything much.

If they push back, the two of you will need to be firm. No staying over (which basically would mean you'd have to wait on them). No expectations that you'll take them out and show them around. That's ridiculous.

You'll be at the very least sore, bleeding, extremely tired and looking after a newborn 24/7. It's tough, even if you have an easy birth and an easy baby. Your relatives should be looking after YOU, not the other way round.

I meant a few hours until I let them know that the baby had been born. Obviously I would leave it longer before they visited, but I will definitely make sure DH and I are on the same page and that we set our boundaries with the family.

Even the sanest families can go a bit bonkers when a new baby arrives. Sense of entitlement seems to go through the roof!
Give yourself time to recover.

I find that older people tend to think that as you have been released from hospital then your absolutely fine , they forget in my experience that they would have spent a week in hospital after giving birth on bedrest !

I would be putting their visit off for a couple of weeks if they are expecting to see you lots and be go out and about .

I just wanted to share OP that I had visitors to my home the day after I'd given birth, and it was great. I was basically still flying high off all the hormones. A few days later and I would have struggled more. People in DHs immediate family had extended family visiting, I was "oh yes, bring them, haven't seen them in a while" and I have really happy memories of that day. Having said that, they did all sod off out of my house, which they might be reluctant to do to a hotel..
I'd either have people immediately or wait 2 weeks. Not day 3/ 4, those are emotional days!

That’s what I’m planning to do I think. If I feel well enough then I will have them over the day after baby is born, but if I’m not then I will leave it a couple of weeks.

My ante-natal class teacher advised dealing with early visitors by staying in bed. Some won't understand that though you have been discharged from hospital you are still recovering. If you are in bed they will automatically make you cups of tea, not vice versa.

That’s a brilliant idea actually!. I think it would really limit the time they would stay too. I might just do that.

I think it's fine to have family visit in the first few days, not for long visits though, couple of hours is fine! Stay in your pj's and make it clear that you're resting and recovering. Visitors or DH can be in charge of teas and coffees, you park yourself on the sofa and don't move! Hopefully they will be thoughtful enough to bring food, a couple of homecooked meals to put in your fridge/freezer would be brilliant! If you need to, don't feel bad about saying I'm going up for a rest/bath/feed baby and take yourself off if it's all getting a bit much. Remember your milk will come in around day 3 and you can often feel hot, sweaty, tearful and uncomfortable. Do what feels right for you and don't worry about people being offended. They should be there to help and look after you, not expecting to be entertained.