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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband said I was too mentally unstable to give birth without an epidural

115 replies

csectiondepression · 07/08/2024 11:18

As the title says really, husband said I was too mentally unstable to give birth without epidural. Unfortunately I'm immune to local aneasethia and the hospital had no alternative pain meds (I ended up at an alternate hospital that didn't even have epidurals anyway).

When I did induction - second day I was on the drip for several hours while I had him just sitting there watching me and in the end I just gave up and had a c-section anyway.

I kept thinking he was just sitting there watching me fail and I had no other support of any kind (no friends or family near).

We're months down the line now and I'm just full of bitterness. I regret having the c-section so much as I could have coped the pain with just a little support.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way nearly 3 months on? I wonder why he married me and got me pregnant with such an opinion.

OP posts:
Sunshineafterthehail · 07/08/2024 11:20

I would take a wild guess that your mh would be better if he wasn't around.... Having a c section isn't failing. You grew and gave birth to a beautiful baby. Something that twat can't ever do!!

Duckswaddle · 07/08/2024 11:20

Wild guess but your mental health would probably be tip top if he wasn’t in your life 👍🏻

AnnaMagnani · 07/08/2024 11:22

If you did induction without an epidural then honestly you are hard as nails.

Olika · 07/08/2024 11:24

I would leave my DH if he said I am mentally unstable. I cannot see this working out with him now or down the line. Why don't you ask him why he married you/is with you as he thinks so negatively about you. You need to have a frank conversation with him about everything and then decide what you do.

pikkumyy77 · 07/08/2024 11:24

Leave him as soon as you can. The situation you describe is horrendously abusive.

TipsyJoker · 07/08/2024 11:26

He sounds like a useless gob💩 tbh. I’d like to see him go through Labour and pregnancy, completely unsupported to the point of actually making the whole experience worse. The real question here isn’t if you’re being u reasonable, it’s is he?! And the answer is yes! I would be seriously considering chucking him out OP because you clearly can’t rely on him and he’s just rubbing your self confidence down to nothing. You don’t need that in you life and neither does your child. What kind of role model is he? Plus, what happens if God forbid you ever get sick or need support in some other way? Will he be there for you or will it just be an inconvenience for him?

kαλοκαλοκαιρι · 07/08/2024 11:26

The one thing I want to challenge and correct - very gently - about your post is your use of the world ‘fail’.

Nothing you did even remotely represented a failure. You carried, nurtured, and safely brought into the world a beautiful baby. Your prick of a husband literally sat there. I also think your mental health might take a dramatic upswing without him, but that’s an outside observation and not something you have to push yourself to think about with a newborn.

I hope you’re able to get some support remotelt even if your loved ones aren’t physically near. Please write here whenever you want or need to. Take care of yourself and enjoy your little one ❤️

FlorenceinSummer · 07/08/2024 11:26

Did the hospital do the c-section because he said this? This would be a huge issue for me, tbh I would be asking the hospital for an investigation as to why they listened to him, rather than you - the patient.

I also had a c-section to save mine and the baby lives (at a point when 'too posh to push' was at the hight of the news) and definitely don't think you have failed due to having a c-section - I think they failed you in not explaining fully why you had a c-section (unless as I say above it is because your husband stated your mental health would not cope in which case that is a whole other can of worms).

Good luck

Original poster
csectiondepression · 07/08/2024 11:29

@FlorenceinSummer

No I chose it because I was feeling depressed moving around in pain while I had him sitting there watching me. I felt he was watching me like an animal in a zoo

OP posts:
macaroniandcheeze · 07/08/2024 11:30

He sounds extremely horrible. Sorry.

TipsyJoker · 07/08/2024 11:33

I have 2 children and I felt that recovery from a c section was much harder than recovery from normal birth. I had all sorts of complications from the surgery, including repeat infections. It’s so hard to look after a new born, breastfeed and heal from a major abdominal surgery all at the same time. You’re a hero and he’s a zero.

Mrsttcno1 · 07/08/2024 11:54

I feel so sorry for you OP. I had the drip when I was being induced 4 months ago and those contractions are honestly the devil’s work! I was so extremely lucky that I had both my husband and my mum with me and I genuinely don’t think either of them sat down for a single second throughout my entire labour, they were constantly holding my hand, holding a fan/cold compress to my head, rubbing my back, holding the gas and air to my mouth etc. I don’t know what I would have done without them and I’m really sorry you didn’t have that support. I don’t think I would be able to get over that ever, nevermind after 3 months, I’d be gutted.

Sugargliderwombat · 07/08/2024 12:04

What a horrible man. You didn't fail by having a C section your OH is the failure.

Traumatic births take a long time to heal from emotionally. Yours sounds very traumatic, being watched by someone who should be supporting you. Horrible.

Out of curiosity when did he say this? I'm. Not sure whether it's worst to say it before, During or after!

Screamingabdabz · 07/08/2024 12:06

Why are you with him? Seriously.

Grannywithnoplanny · 07/08/2024 12:10

He needs to give birth himself or shut his cakehole.

GreenIvyy · 07/08/2024 12:11

The red flags are flapping in the wind. If he wasn’t like this pre baby, watch out as this might be the beginning of emotional abuse.
🚩

MatildaTheCat · 07/08/2024 12:17

@csectiondepression I’m sorry you are feeling so sad and bullied.

I would suggest asking the hospital for a birth debrief. It’s a very common request to go through your medical records and make sense of what happened.

In many years of midwifery practice I’ve never come across a CS being performed because’mum is being a bit pathetic and fed up’. It strikes me that this is the narrative your H is feeding you and you have accepted it.

In reality it seems far more likely that you endured hours of painful contractions without analgesia and your body wasn’t responding to those drugs making CS the safe medical choice for delivery of your child. You didn’t make that decision, the medical team did..they are the ones who might need to stand up in court to defend that decision. ‘Mum was being feeble’ doesn’t cut it on surgical decisions.

Please do consider doing this and also getting more support from your GP/ HV/ friends and family. H sounds very unpleasant and possibly abusive and you don’t deserve that.

Best wishes.💐

Blobblobblob · 07/08/2024 12:18

He's a twat

C section isn't a failure though so I voted you're unreasonable for phrasing it that way

Highly offensive to all of us that chose that option

Why do we fetishize vaginal birth?
What is the point of suffering, does it achieve anything?
What does it prove?

The whole thing is bollocks, as long as you both get through the birth OK, who cares how?

And why does any man think his opinion has even the tiniest bit of relevance?

Why does any man feel entitled to judge women's birth choices?

Tell him to fuck off.

BlackShuck3 · 07/08/2024 12:21

OP, long term you need to plan to get rid of this awful man
short-term you need to look after yourself

Gettingbysomehow · 07/08/2024 12:23

He sounds highly abusive. And a twat to boot. No way of giving birth to a baby is wrong and he should have been more supportive. Id leave him personally.

mikado1 · 07/08/2024 12:23

At your most vulnerable, when you needed his support, he failed you. That is so hurtful. I have a low opinion of any man who makes pronouncements around labour, epidurals, breastfeeding etc, acting as if they know best. Considering you were induced, it makes it all much harder. You did brilliantly. You need to have it out with him on this one and he needs to completely atone IMHO.

BlackeyedSusan · 07/08/2024 12:26

Duckswaddle · 07/08/2024 11:20

Wild guess but your mental health would probably be tip top if he wasn’t in your life 👍🏻

Yeah. My bet too.

Shoxfordian · 07/08/2024 12:28

He's not on your team, you need to act on this information

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 07/08/2024 12:28

Said by a man who will never give birth and knows nothing about it. He sounds awful. And his comment doesn't reflect badly on you at all and just shows him to be an idiot. Unless this one comment is completely out of character for him (which it doesn't sound like), I couldn't be with someone who said things like that to me.

ErrolTheDragon · 07/08/2024 12:30

FlowersI'm so sorry.

You didn't 'fail' anything. The only failure here is your husband - he utterly failed to support you, you'd have coped better without him in the room.

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