Husband said I was too mentally unstable to give birth without an epidural

[csectiondepression]

As the title says really, husband said I was too mentally unstable to give birth without epidural. Unfortunately I'm immune to local aneasethia and the hospital had no alternative pain meds (I ended up at an alternate hospital that didn't even have epidurals anyway).

When I did induction - second day I was on the drip for several hours while I had him just sitting there watching me and in the end I just gave up and had a c-section anyway.

I kept thinking he was just sitting there watching me fail and I had no other support of any kind (no friends or family near).

We're months down the line now and I'm just full of bitterness. I regret having the c-section so much as I could have coped the pain with just a little support.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way nearly 3 months on? I wonder why he married me and got me pregnant with such an opinion.

We should do research on how arseholes like this respond to pain. The nation needs it.

To be honest, I think a lot of men secretly think women are ridiculous or weak - it is well established that womens pain is treated differently to mens reports of pain. Its internalized misogyny.

I speak from experience both as someone who has had an induction and someone who has looked after women induced and it's very difficult to get through an induced labour without an epidural. It's completely different to a spontaneous labour, a lot more intense and painful. You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about from a birthing perspective, a c section is a completely valid form of childbirth and nothing to be ashamed of. In terms of your husband, I'm sorry he treated you like that. Is this a pattern of behaviour? If so, is it a pattern you want yourself and child around?

Babe, get some help from someone like women's aid. It's not you. It's him. Just what he said show he is the problem.

The only thing you should regret is being with such an inhuman man. I had an emergency section and my husband was so supportive. He's still a bit traumatised seeing me go through what I did, he tells me how strong I was and how he wishes women didn't have to bear the brunt. He did all the housework while I recovered, waiting on me hand and foot essentially. I'm so sad for you, and even sadder that this isn't the first post about lack of support after birth I've read and felt compelled to comment on.

I don't know what to say other than are you sure you want to be with him long term, it sounds like he's not lifting you up or supporting you, what does he add to your life?

You don't have to have your husband there. I didn't for my second because he was also useless during my first labour. My second was such a different experience and the midwives were incredibly supportive. We are now divorced because it turns out he was useless at most things related to his children.

No uterus, no opinion. ( pinched from Friends)

Seriously, you’ve grown, nurtured and birthed a baby…….and he sat and watched?

Please talk to someone irl, a trusted friend or family member, your health visitor, your GP. He’s the one in the wrong here and his behaviour is seriously abnormal.

I had a drip induction with no pain relief or epidural and I was honestly doolally with the pain of it. I thought I was going to die. It was my second as well. My first wasn’t an induction. With my second on the drip I begged them for a c section but was too far along. Don’t feel a failure. Your husband’s sounds an idiot. Induction births on the drip are a totally different beast to normal natural births ime.

Might you be alone when the midwife visits OP? Has he any way of hearing what goes on in your home?

You are amazing. You carried and birthed a beautiful baby without any support. I was also induced and the second they told me I'd be on the drip I demanded an epidural before they even started. You are so strong and you didn't give up by having a section - you and your medical team made the best decision for yourself and your baby.

Obviously, your husband was/is completely unreasonable. You know this, and what you decide to do is up to you.

What time did he say this? He sounds unkind.

He sounds nasty and controlling, I'm guessing he has that trait of putting other people down to boost his ego?
But on the birth side of things, they won't usually give a c section just because it's painful, they would've at least tried diamorphine etc first. Are you sure it wasn't actually that they agreed to it because you weren't progressing after so long?

I didn't even manage to get them to give me more than gas and air when I wasn't handling the pain, I definitely can't imagine them doing a c section purely for pain reasons.

I would try to focus on that as it sounds likely that you would have had a c section regardless.

Firstly, no, you were not depressed. You were in labour, that's very painful!
Second, you have made the right decision for yourself and baby by having a c- section
Third, if he makes you feel like an animal in a zoo, then please do not stay in this relationship.

You are stronger without him.

Watching your partner being in pain and not offering support or comfort is beyond cruel. So leave asap.

Erm I take my hat off to you for having an induction and just HAVING A BABY. That’s mega. The way the baby came out of your body is irrelevant- let go of your baggage on this. YOU DID IT. End of. Well done & congratulations.

Secondly - you are in the absolute thick of raging hormones right about now. Be kinder to yourself. Forget your useless partners’ lack of support at the birth. You did it anyway - a complete success despite no support! Everyone is alive and well- that’s Victory in life and done by you.
Tell your partner you felt let down and you’re drawing a line under it from now- then tell him what you need from him. Time, a walk a day, a full nights sleep- whatever it is, be very matter of fact about it. Then hold him to that. There will be many other times through your journey as parents that you disagree or don’t feel in sync. It doesn’t matter- decide what your red lines are and focus only on the basics, some things you have to let go.

Enjoy your beautiful baby and the fact you did it! Xx

ps) I say all this assuming your relationship is generally good - if he is verbally undermining you or abusive in any way please tell somebody in real life. x

Wow, he sounds horrible OP. You are giving birth to his child, which you’ve carried for 9 months and this is how he treats you?!

Is this your first child? How has he been since the birth does he do his fair share?

Do not think anything wrong about having a c-section, your carried and delivered a baby safely. You’re doing great.

Oh… Tell him to shit a melon with no pain relief then call him mentally unstable while you watch.

I had an induction and birth without epidural because delivery happened too fast. It was hell. I knew it would be painful and asked for the epidural to go in first before the hormones, but that wasn't 'policy'.

It was so painful that I hallucinated, and decided immediately that I would never have another. If I could have had a CS, I would have.

DP was very supportive, though. I'm so sorry your husband is so ignorant.

Congratulations on delivering a healthy baby after induction - people have no idea how intense and painful it is. Enjoy the small baby period - it flies!

I chose never to have kids so I don't know/understand about C-sections etc. but your hubby ... dump him as fast as you can.

It's your body that was pregnant and birthing, not his, so he has absolutely no right at all to tell you how to do it!

Does anyone else read posts on here and feel sorry for all the people married to people who clearly despise them? I didn’t realise it was so common

He sounds a right prince!

He's doing this because he enjoys hurting you. The psychological term is cunt.

Tell your HV what you're going through and speak with Women's Aid, they're mustard in these situations. Consider doing the Freedom Program.

As for failing: you were a heroine and put up with more pain than any of us. A CS is a medical emergency and not a failure. Don't let anyone say otherwise!

Take care of yourself and your little one. (And consider a new patio.)💐

Yes I genuinely do, I really feel for some posters on here who are treated so badly. it makes me despair as a newly single person too.

@TeaGinandFags “He's doing this because he enjoys hurting you. The psychological term is cunt.”

I love this analogy!!

I did Obstetrics years and years ago and the male Obstetrician would insist if you had induction, you had an epidural as otherwise it was too painful.

Years of Mumsnetting I can see a few women get lucky and are OK without but basically induction contractions are usually awful and he had a point.

"familiarity breeds contempt"
Never live with anyone, that's my solution now!
(I appreciate that is far from ideal when you are parents of young children)

Wonderful man. I'm still bitter about the hospital policy - which would have hurt every woman who had a fast induced labour.

I felt so stupid, because I said it was likely I would deliver fast! The midwife cut me off and kept on typing her notes.

There's something very wrong with him if he just watched, and didn't feel the need to help or comfort you in any way. It's like he was finding your pain fascinating instead of upsetting.
As a PP said, this looks like the beginning of emotional abuse by him. Please get some support. Your health visitor should be able to help.