Husband said I was too mentally unstable to give birth without an epidural

[csectiondepression]

As the title says really, husband said I was too mentally unstable to give birth without epidural. Unfortunately I'm immune to local aneasethia and the hospital had no alternative pain meds (I ended up at an alternate hospital that didn't even have epidurals anyway).

When I did induction - second day I was on the drip for several hours while I had him just sitting there watching me and in the end I just gave up and had a c-section anyway.

I kept thinking he was just sitting there watching me fail and I had no other support of any kind (no friends or family near).

We're months down the line now and I'm just full of bitterness. I regret having the c-section so much as I could have coped the pain with just a little support.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way nearly 3 months on? I wonder why he married me and got me pregnant with such an opinion.

I agree - my ex-husband yelled at me when our DD was a couple of months old, “You couldn’t even give birth to her properly” and it escalated until I got away from him when she was almost 3.

This sounds absolutely horrific.
Where is this?

Get the hell away from the vile pig you married.
This is hugely abusive.

God help you.

I'm going to do a full reply in a few days, right now I'm processing everything.
Thank you guys for your support.

Often things get missed or confused on mumsnet, I've watched some serious derailing on here, so please bare with me (I'm sure our posts don't help as it's 1 sided)

@FictionalCharacter yes, Japan is like this.

@Sunshineafterthehail
@Duckswaddle
@Olika
@pikkumyy77

I want to say thank you because my husband didn't realize that his words and behavior were affecting my mental health, and I used this thread to show him that while I wasn't stable during pregnancy (my bulimia returned when morning sickness kicked in) - that negative treatment makes the situation worse, not better.

He argued with his dad a lot growing up (mother abandoned them - his dad raised 3 kids alone while working full time), then work and now me. Because I'm his first serious partner he didn't realize that he's an aggressive person, and just this weekend when he started to argue he realized what he was dong and stopped it. Rest of the day was great! So finally some improvement.

@TipsyJoker @CountryMumof4 My husband took 3 months of paternity leave and has been an ideal father. If I ever divorce and leave Japan she'll stay here with him and I'll return to the UK, teach and send money back, but truth is we've only managed the last 3 months through partnership. He does the last feed so I can sleep, I do the morning one. Our little girl sits between us and doesn't know where to shine her smile next. He's changed more poopy nappies than me, but I do her baths. I just don't know how to be a single mum, and him a single dad.

As a dad, he's incredible. Brushes her hair, cuts her nails. As a husband, yeah. That's the snag. We sleep on the floor in Japan, put babies, everything on the floor. A few days after a c-section and I was bending somewhere between 20 to 50 times a day. It felt like my insides were going to fall out from pain, and I'll never forgive him for going to sleep and ignoring that. He cooked nothing - because he didn't need food. I'd lost 1.6 litres of blood, had anemia so severely I lost a week of memory (including meeting my daughter day after she was born), and we want a second but, you all understand why I've said no.

He looked up vbac for me but that doesn't solve anything because:

1. rarely allowed in Japan
2. A first time vaginal birth is very different from a second time
3. I've lost all sensation in my stomach, so a vbac doesn't cure that
4. I'll likely need induction a second time

Anyone ask about returning to the UK, NHS is VERY expensive for ex-pats so it's not an option

I (maybe unfairly) blame him for my c-section, as I believe if he'd supported me I wouldn't have given up and had a c-section.

As said, I'm immune to LA which the doctors didn't believe until I wiggled all over the table unable to cut me open. At which point they

CALLED MY HUSBAND FOR PERMISSION TO GIVE ME GA TO CUT ME OPEN

He gave HIS permission, and then they did. I asked him, what if you said no?

"You'd have screamed alot"

What a fucking. fucked up country. No one tell me I'm catastrophizing on mumsnet again, giving birth here was worse than I predicted!

Daughter is a little princess though, and time is a healer. We're 3 months on now so mainly I want to say thank you to everyone for your support.

I'm okay to try for a second child, but I don't ever want to be locked up again - they caught me running out of the hospital and dragged me back - not a mental hospital - but a birthing hospital.

Also 2 hours drive away. So I can only do:

1. Locked up like a prisioner for 5 to 6 days

1. Free birth and a minimum of a 4% fatality rate

I've chosen 2

@SummerSnowstorm I live in rural Japan, so no. There is ZERO painkillers. None of this 'gas and air' I hear on mumsnet. Or anything. Induction is just 'ganbaru '

I wripped the drip out after several hours and the only other option was c-section.

That I didn't have an option of pain killers, or a midwife to help me with breathing (contractions every 2 to 3 minutes) makes me bitter.

@thursdaymurderclub

How are you helping her through it? Is she okay now? ❤️

@merrymelodies

Thank you 😔. I'm in Japan so wasn't allowed to deny him access.

Completely barbaric. I had no idea.
You poor woman.

Hey! So glad you got through the Burt and are now out the other side. Even though it would like a pretty awful experience. I have thought about you often after your other posts.

I hope you have the chance now to build up a support network as it will be very important when raising a child here. I want to offer you once again the chance to contact me if you need help/advice/an ear asi worry about your isolation and your husbands inflexibility.

I am raising 3 daughters here and know that without my mamatomos from a range of backgrounds and experiences it would be a whole lot tougher xxx

good luck and feel free to get in touch x

Yeah I'll build that support network as you say - just difficult right now. I'd like to take you up on that offer and contact you now and then, it's good to get a bit of extra advice 😊.

Having a good dwy today as my daughter has been crawling all over the place 🤣

Ahh no worries. Glad you could make sense of all those typos. I am currently having (another) breakdown about the amount of homework that needs me to monitor during the holidays and moaning to all who will listen. Having a groups of people who get it is what keeps me sane, so definitely build that network x

So no contact?

good luck and feel free to get in touch x

I get in touch l:

I am currently having (another) breakdown about the amount of homework that needs me to monitor during the holidays and moaning to all who will listen.

It's an example of a false network. If you can't provide, then don't pretend you can like you did.

Hey. Sorry if you have misunderstood my last post. I have sent you a message x

I read, thank you and I'm sorry x