Husband said I was too mentally unstable to give birth without an epidural

[csectiondepression]

As the title says really, husband said I was too mentally unstable to give birth without epidural. Unfortunately I'm immune to local aneasethia and the hospital had no alternative pain meds (I ended up at an alternate hospital that didn't even have epidurals anyway).

When I did induction - second day I was on the drip for several hours while I had him just sitting there watching me and in the end I just gave up and had a c-section anyway.

I kept thinking he was just sitting there watching me fail and I had no other support of any kind (no friends or family near).

We're months down the line now and I'm just full of bitterness. I regret having the c-section so much as I could have coped the pain with just a little support.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way nearly 3 months on? I wonder why he married me and got me pregnant with such an opinion.

Your husband said you were MENTALLY UNSTABLE because you were in pain during labour? As in, he literally used those words??

Fucking hell.

Honestly, he sounds like a complete shit.

This is not how a husband supports his wife when she is in labour and post birth. I’m sorry. I hope you’re ok and send you my best wishes

Giving birth isn’t some sort of endurance sport where you win a prize for enduring as much pain as possible. You carried and gave birth to a (presumably) heathy baby and lived to tell the tale. That sounds like a success, not failure, to me.

Your husband is the failure. His one job during your birth was to be your birthing partner. To be there to support you, to advocate for you, to kiss you, to hug you, to help you make decisions, to cry on, to mop your brow, to wait on you. It doesn’t sound like he did any of those things. He is the failure, not you.

OP, echoing others - you did not fail in any way - and congratulations on giving birth to your beautiful baby.

Your husband sounds cruel and manipulative.

My advice is to try and make friends and develop a support network - mother and baby groups are a great first step, and also to have this conversation with your health visitor. It may also help you to ask the hospital for a birth debrief (without your husband being present) so you can more clearly understand what happened.

The relationship is dead OP. You clearly hate him and he has zero respect and support for you.

Get your finances and employment in place and focus on your baby

Too mentally unstable to be in pain for a few hours, but not too mentally unstable to be pregnant and possibly in pain for 9 months, immediately followed by the most intense and difficult period of life for most people, adjusting to a new baby on little to no sleep, immediately followed by a lifetime of responsibility caring for said baby.

He sounds like a twat. Mental instability has pretty much nothing at all to do with giving birth, I genuinely don't know what he's talking about.

I'd also be pissed off and bitter months later, but I'm probably not the person you want to compare to lol (I'm Miss Bitter and Vengeful on a medium day)

What is he like the rest of the time? Side note - you absolutely could do this on your own, you know that right? If he isn't helping, he's hindering. Try not to show him signs of weakness or instability if you can help it, although we're only human, he sounds like the type to play the "she's unstable, I need custody" card if/when (praying hands) you split

In my opinion men should have no opinion on giving birth options. They don't have to go through it so actually have no idea what it is like.

You use the word fail....but I'm guessing this is your DH's opinion not truly yours. No women ever fails to give birth no matter what the method. You may regret the c-section but failing isn't what you did.

The fact you had an induction over several days without pain relief (I assume so from your comment about being immune) is mind blowing to me! I'd had an induction and natural labour (both with limited pain relief for various reasons) and by far the induction was the most painful as you are forcing your body when it doesn't think it is ready. Just because you opted to end with a c-section doesn't take away from your experience. Every women choices her own path and without support it would be extremely difficult to go through a several day inductions without it. Being mentally unstable has absolutely nothing to do with that.

I'd seriously be rethinking my relationship if that was my DH opinion of the situation.

I was wondering if the op also suffered from things like anxiety/depression, and what the obvious cause would be

If he'd said because I don't want you to suffer it would appear caring but to suggest MH reasons is odd and the doctors/midwives would be the ones fit to judge a patients mental stability.

If he just sat watching you rather than offer any support perhaps he was wanting you to accept whatever options would make the birth easier for him to deal with.

Mother & baby made it through birth safe, it doesn't really matter by which method baby arrives. It's just sad that you felt unsupported while vulnerable and therefore decisions didn't feel fully considered as your choice, rather than it being the wrong decision. It's likely easier to focus on that specific thing which you have some control as can accept blame yourself rather than look too deeply at your relationship as a whole.

The fact that you were on Day 2 of induction without pain relief shows that you are made of tough stuff.

I was SCREAMING for an epidural by half of that time. Don't listen to your ignorant ass husband.

This sounds like an incredibly abusive and controlling relationship OP, just from your first post.

I was thinking exactly the same. Does he say things like this to you often? I'm so sorry you didn't get the support you needed, but rest assured you are anything but a failure.

God no. End it now before any more children appear. He’s not destined to change, ever. Get yourself a happy outcome and sort maintenance payments. He sounds nasty so don’t tell him any of this just do it.

This is probably one of the biggest red flags I have ever seen mentioned on here. Out of interest OP does he criticize how you are caring for the baby too?

I really hope you can escape this abusive marriage/partnership, and it is abuse he is giving you of the most offensive and destructive kind. I hope you have people around you who can support you while you unravel yourself and your baby from this excuse for a man.

I’m presuming there is some sort of back story to this or are these claims of mental instability just coming out of the blue at the birth? I dont really see the link between the two - what has mental stability got to with pain relief or not? What is his point?

Have you looked into Ehlers Danlos Syndrome - local anaesthetic is one of the side effects of the collagen issues.

Btw your oh sounds like a knob.

You didn’t fail. You had a baby. You’re still alive and you recovered from surgery.

is your husband aware that contractions need oxytocin aka love hormone to work and by being a gaslighting bully weirdo you’re not really going to hit that zen!

there’s no guarantee baby would have engaged for vaginal birth anyway. I think maybe get some counselling around it if you feel your wishes were ignored coz that can contribute to PND and PTSD I think.

I felt my blood run cold when I read that. You have done an amazing thing, carrying a baby, giving birth (the method is irrelevant, you have brought new life into the world) and are now nurturing and caring for your little one. That he seems to see you as an adjunct of his life to control and order about is chilling. Do you have friends or family that you can talk to irl to help you work out how to get the life you deserve

You'd only be mentally unstable to allow him to hang around.

Oh lovely I think he is so controlling you don’t see how awful this is. You are a super woman going through induction with no pain relief. A c-section isn’t failing and harder to recover from. You green and birthed an actual human being and that’s amazing!

This. You'd be better off without him.

This is such a common time for abuse to start. Of course birth is painful and even if you're tough and calm enough to get through a short labour, after a few days almost everyone would be ground down.

I bet he's a right whiney mess when he's in pain. Arseholes like this always are.

Just curious as to why he said you were 'mentally unstable'? What grounds does he have to say this?

He seems to have confused giving birth with a spectator sport.

The failure isn't yours.

His behaviour isn't normal. What person sits and does nothing whilst their partner is in labour?
Your response to it (feeling stressed/depressed/anxious) is a completely normal response. He sounds ridiculous. Did he think you giving birth was an olympic event? Was he planning on holding up cards with numbers on to rate your performance? If he can't do the bare minimum at one of the most physically and mentally challenging events of your life (as in, offer any kind of encouragement I stead of increasing your stress levels) then what is the point of him? Seriously, please get rid. He sounds broken. Take him back to the shop.