To not believe how things escalated

[DyfunctionalFsmily]

I don’t have a good relationship with my mum in particular. I’ve always felt a little neglected by her. I’ve never felt any love. Compared to my older siblings she seems to be a good mother but I never got the same. I’m in my late 30’s now.

I felt a little sad this morning as my kids were saying they want to go grandmas house (not for her but all their cousins will be there) I phoned her up and said we are coming and maybe this time we might come by train. She went all weird and said don’t come as I saw on the news there are riots! Btw I live no where near there and neither does my mum. She then goes into a story that cousins from America are visiting their mum and my sisters want to go there on Sunday, I said to her so you don’t want us to come and she said that’s not what she said.

she’s always made me feel very unwelcome and that I’m not part of the family. There has always been so many difference I’ve see between how she treats my sisters and how she treats me. I feel so sorry for my kids as they are missing out. They were so excited this morning and my 6 year old was packing his suitcase already even though we hadn’t decided what day we would leave to go there. I just feel really sad and unwanted

sorry forgot to add: she started crying and screaming over the phone and telling me she does t want me at her funeral when she dies! And to just tell the kids she’s dead and they have no grandma! All this from me calling her to tell her we want to visit and kids excited

Obviously don't know the whole story but I find it difficult when my children just ring on the day and tell me they are coming instead of asking / could the other siblings have made arrangements a while back and bus you are asking in the day?
I like to get food in and organised and find it harder to be just descended on especially if it's overnight, and it also feels disrespectful as if my time doesn't matter?

@letmego24 i wasn’t just turning up. I phoned to tell her we want to come and to discuss when we would. I would need at least 2 weeks to book a train ticket in advance. She’s not the type of mum who stocks up on food etc or even cooks, all siblings we do our own shopping when we get there and cook for our kids and us.

So your siblings were going to your mums house with their children to stay for a while and so you thought you would go too and your mum has tried to put you off going?

Is it because it will be more chaotic and too much for her?

I'm going to my mums this weekend with my two older teens and now my brother has said that he is also going with his wife and three teenagers and I'm pissed off about it. I think the teenagers will all have a lovely time but we are now all going to be on top of each other for a week. Every time we need to eat it's going to be a hassle as there we'll be nine people.

Borrow a tent. Sometimes dc just need a change of scenery.. My dc have no dgps. I have guilt.
And a tent!!
Dc are more than fine.
Yours will be too.

Oh I see from my OP I wrote “we are coming”, I phoned up to say we are planning to come I meant.

But why were the kids excited. Surely you phoned and said when would suit before you told the kids?

it does read like she’s made other plans then you told the kids you were going and informed her, and are now playing the victim.

So what was said for the conversation to go from "that's not what I said" to screaming and crying that the kids didn't have a Grandma?

Don't agree with the children that you are going to stay with someone until after you have agreed that with them!

Oh right, sorry thought you meant on the day.

I think I should have posted in south Asian musnet topic. But I’ll try and explain myself - in the culture it’s expected daughters visit their parents, it’s actually seen as strange if I don’t so since summer holidays in my Inlaws house this has been conversations of when I’m visiting my family as that’s what happens.we do not inconvenience my mum as there is only Indian food she cooks and kids do not like Indian food so siblings all of us do a shop and we would share food every holiday when I would go (I haven’t actually been for a while and Inlaws getting nosey about it hence I thought it was time, you do not tell Inlaws in the culture if there are any arguments in your family, that’s really frowned upon to air dirty laundry in public even though Inlaws are family but not blood related - hope that makes sense?)

I don’t know how to explain it as to me I’ve grown up with it but it’s hard from non Indians to grasp basically it’s expected to visit your family and family get excited to see you and kids get excited getting together. The more noise and mayhem the better it’s considered it’s even a word for it in our language which I don’t know in English.

This could have gone two ways in reality;

a) We're thinking of visiting in a fortnight.
I HATE YOU & TELL YOUR BRATS THEY DON'T HAVE A GRANDMA

b) We're coming. Going to take the train.

I've already got a houseful and lots to do and it doesn't sound particularly safe at the moment with everything that's on the news. 'I'm worried about the riots'.

There aren't any. We're coming.

'But we've already arranged to go to somebody's house, we're not going to be in for lots of it'

YOU DON'T WANT US DO YOU?

That's not what I said.

YOU HATE ME AND NEVER LOVED ME LIKE YOU DO MY SISTER THE KIDS ARE ALREADY PACKING (because I meant now, not in a fortnight, whatever I might say on MN) YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME. IF YOU DON'T DO THIS YOU'RE NOT A MOTHER TO ME. CALL YOURSELF A GRANDMOTHER, WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY TO THE KIDS - THAT YOU DON'T LOVE THEM EITHER - I DON'T HAVE A MOTHER THEY DON'T HAVE A GRANDMA. IS THE ONLY TIME THEY'LL SEE YOU GOING TO BE YOUR FUNERAL? THEY WON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Crying whilst being shouted at

'I don't want them at my funeral.'

WHAT DO I TELL THEM THEN?

'Tell them they haven't got a grandma, then' <hangs up>

I wonder which one is actually more accurate?

So your mother already has houseguests and you called her up and said you want to pile in with more people? Does she even have enough beds? What would the bathroom situation be like?

That’s why it’s so hard as my Indian friends and family they all visit their mums (partly to get away from MIL as in our culture we live together mostly if not at least in same town) so it’s really embarrassing for me that I feel I’m not wanted in my mums house and cannot exactly share with my MIL when she’s asking how come we haven’t visited the maternal grandparents for so long.

Lol! You don’t know many Indians do you? This would actually be funny if i wasn’t trying to get advice.

Thank you to all you awful people for making me feel worse. You’re all so kind.

I don't think you be rude ti people. Your original post was very unclear.

No one is being rude, you're going off on tangents and not answering the questions. How did the conversation go from "that's not what I said" to crying and screaming that she's dead to the kids? If you don't give all the info, how do you expect advice?

This is just another example of sexism disguised as culture. Just because it’s the typical thing to do, doesn’t mean it’s ok to impose on your mother to host.

this happens in my own culture and extended family and it drives me crazy. I can’t help but call it out IRL because I don’t want my child thinking it is acceptable. It hasn’t exactly made me popular with the in-laws, but I know I have raised my child well and I hope I have gotten my nieces and nephews to think about the insidious ideas they are being taught about their own mother’s servitude.

This all sounds very upsetting OP, especially when you were only trying to do what is normal in your family and wider culture.
I hope that your mum was just quite overwhelmed by the worry about riots and will not feel the same once she has had time to think. It might help to give her a call in a week or two to talk about this, and what is really bothering her (because it doesn't seem like you wanting to visit was at the heart of it, really).

bit ott to tell you not to ome to a funeral but please ont tell your kids theyregoing somewere before onfirming

my sister does this an i always say why di you tell niece you were going to x ansshe says beause she was exicted! so just keep it to yourself until you know for sure

@DyfunctionalFsmily it's totally understandable that dealing with lots of loud children is sometimes unappealing for grannies ( it is and it's ok to feel that way).

HOWEVER, I absolutely believe you that there is something wrong with your mum and your relationship with her. It just rings bells in my mind. The way you describe it feels familiar to me. Have you looked into narcissistic mothers and is it possible she may be?

There's not enough information here to know this but it might help you understand things if that is what's going on.

I love how all these MN posters are gaslighting you,🤷‍♀️ just like you would have been your entire life if you did in fact grow up in a narcissistic family system.

Only on mumsnet will you get told by a bunch of know it alls that your lived experience is wrong, and it’s actually what they say/think it is 🫨

This with absolute bells on. I'm guessing it may be narc grannies' day off today or something??

I'm white English and I there's no one I know that would try to put one child off coming because they had other children and g, children also coming. The more the merrier I would think
(Children and g, children, not normal guests)
I am from a family orientated culture and we would be glad to see them.

Yanbu.

@ClemmyTine this is exactly what narc mothers do. Everyone is an object, ' they are my objects and I will play them as I please, particularly if you ever challenge me and the narcissist family system in any way. '

Sounds dramatic but it's true.