To not believe how things escalated

[DyfunctionalFsmily]

I don’t have a good relationship with my mum in particular. I’ve always felt a little neglected by her. I’ve never felt any love. Compared to my older siblings she seems to be a good mother but I never got the same. I’m in my late 30’s now.

I felt a little sad this morning as my kids were saying they want to go grandmas house (not for her but all their cousins will be there) I phoned her up and said we are coming and maybe this time we might come by train. She went all weird and said don’t come as I saw on the news there are riots! Btw I live no where near there and neither does my mum. She then goes into a story that cousins from America are visiting their mum and my sisters want to go there on Sunday, I said to her so you don’t want us to come and she said that’s not what she said.

she’s always made me feel very unwelcome and that I’m not part of the family. There has always been so many difference I’ve see between how she treats my sisters and how she treats me. I feel so sorry for my kids as they are missing out. They were so excited this morning and my 6 year old was packing his suitcase already even though we hadn’t decided what day we would leave to go there. I just feel really sad and unwanted

sorry forgot to add: she started crying and screaming over the phone and telling me she does t want me at her funeral when she dies! And to just tell the kids she’s dead and they have no grandma! All this from me calling her to tell her we want to visit and kids excited

I'm South Asian and my mum gets stressed with house guests, even her adult children visiting her! As she's getting older, she is less tolerant of the noise and mess that our children make. We are all different.

I think you shouldn't worry about what your in laws think. It sounds like your mum overreacted on the phone, but maybe give her space and try to repair your relationship with your mum (if you want to), she might give you her reason for not wanting a visit from you.

Can't edit my above comment but just saw your post where you mentioned your mum did nothing to support you when you told her you experienced an assault by a male as a child. Please ignore my comment above. You do not need a relationship with her. She sounds like a terrible mother!

Is it possible she has become really upset because of the riots?

Also this, though.

This.

You are a brave woman, @DyfunctionalFsmily

So sorry to hear she reacted in that way when you were able to reveal what you had experienced as a child. From your posts it sounds like you MIL is a good person who has embraced you into the family. Do you feel able to confide in her at all about the strained relationship with your mum? It is hard putting on a brave face when you are struggling inside. Family dynamics aside. Get yourself and the children out and about. You will feel miserable coped up inside.

OP

Can you book to go away somewhere a short distance from your Mum's so the children can pop in and see the cousins while you have some time for a cup of tea with your mum, then pick them up later? If you were in an airbnb or something, you could have your own space, would get your in-laws off your back. Failing that, tell your MIL that you aren't travelling due to riots.

Tell your in-laws that you're worried about being honest with them as it's frowned upon, then tell them the truth about what is happening with your mother. Break the cycle of hiding the truth from family.

It's perfectly OK to say 'no' to having visitors, whether they are family or not.

@DyfunctionalFsmily late to this post but wanted to say I am so sorry how you are treated and how you feel unwanted. I am not South Asian but my background is two cultures that are very close knit when it comes to family. I am estranged from my birth family and was als o unwanted. I get it and empathise with you. When I was newly estranged I got some help from Relationship s board on here. I hope you find strength and Peace. I could never treat my daughter the way your mother treats you. I imagine you wouldn't do that to your kids e ther.

I feel you have somewhat missed the point of the post.