To not believe how things escalated

[DyfunctionalFsmily]

I don’t have a good relationship with my mum in particular. I’ve always felt a little neglected by her. I’ve never felt any love. Compared to my older siblings she seems to be a good mother but I never got the same. I’m in my late 30’s now.

I felt a little sad this morning as my kids were saying they want to go grandmas house (not for her but all their cousins will be there) I phoned her up and said we are coming and maybe this time we might come by train. She went all weird and said don’t come as I saw on the news there are riots! Btw I live no where near there and neither does my mum. She then goes into a story that cousins from America are visiting their mum and my sisters want to go there on Sunday, I said to her so you don’t want us to come and she said that’s not what she said.

she’s always made me feel very unwelcome and that I’m not part of the family. There has always been so many difference I’ve see between how she treats my sisters and how she treats me. I feel so sorry for my kids as they are missing out. They were so excited this morning and my 6 year old was packing his suitcase already even though we hadn’t decided what day we would leave to go there. I just feel really sad and unwanted

sorry forgot to add: she started crying and screaming over the phone and telling me she does t want me at her funeral when she dies! And to just tell the kids she’s dead and they have no grandma! All this from me calling her to tell her we want to visit and kids excited

You're getting a shitty time and I don't know why. You've tried to organise a weekend with your mum you can come and visit- you weren't saying you were leaving that day, and your mum has basically said no, and escalated. I'm sorry your sisters are seen as 'better' than you- do they still live in the area? Can you stay with them, or does it have to be your mum for cultural reasons? Do you get in with them, or do they treat you shabbily as well?

If I called my mum and said we're coming up to visit she'd be ecstatic, so I think that's a personal one TBH

My daughter and son in law came to live with us for 3 months with 24 hours notice. They had to take us as they found us. (for full info, we knew they were coming for 3 months, it was just 2 weeks earlier than planned)

Sorry @Dysfunctionalfamily this sounds really hard on you. Is it an option to just phone your mum up some time and tell her how you feel? Would it help to ask whether she knows why? Can one of your siblings help to communicate about this at all maybe? Hope it eats resolved one way or another and your kids get to see their cousins.

This post is so weirdly insidious, I can't decide whether you are OP's mother or just some self-important crank with a Mystic Meg complex

@DyfunctionalFsmily - really sorry I didn’t see your post when it first came out, otherwise I would have jumped on earlier to counter the early bullshit responses you had.

Please return to the thread to see that later posters have been sane.

I’m not Indian but I don’t think you have to be Indian to see that your DM is treating you poorly. What type of mother welcomes some children and not others? Particularly in a culture where multigenerational living and close proximity to adult children is the norm?

I’m with a PP who wondered whether there is something different about you, your birth, conception, something which makes her push you away.

One thing I can see though is this is not in your head, she really isn’t being kind to you. She almost sounded disappointed that you wanted to visit her.

I have a very strange relationship with my own DM. I was always treated less favourably than my DSis. She used to say spiteful and dramatic things to make me feel bad. Now she’s in her 80s she tries to be warmer with me and has confided that when she had me, her marriage to my DF was very bad and abusive and she was depressed for a long time. It wasn’t about me. She kind of associated me with negativity.

In the last few months we’ve been in a better place (for example her visits to see her GC have increased by 200% this year up from nothing to 2 visits last month alone!), but I don’t think we’ll ever have the mother/daughter bond which I’ve envied in so many others. Probably too late for that now but there’s a part of me who still hopes for it even in middle age.

You know, there’s something very sweet about how naive this post is, you’ve clearly never experienced having one sibling being the favourite. Also, some mothers are very clear in that they love one child more. Even when you grow up it’s still a problem as the favourites children will be prioritised over yours and the dysfunctional dynamics continue. Sometimes, cutting contact is the only way to stop it.

I’m not Indian but i completely get this dynamic, especially the emotionally immature, drama Queen parent. You have to accept that you will not change her. The only thing within your power is how you let it affect you. If your kids want to spend time with cousins then make arrangements directly with your siblings. Although, in my experience excluding your mum will probably make her furious.

I'm sorry your mum made you feel unwanted. Was it more to do with already hosting lots of visitors and not wanting additional numbers - so nothing personal - or do you think it was personal? My mum always loves to have a houseful, and would always be ready to squeeze extra people in, so if your family/ culture is like this, I get why you feel hurt. x

Definitely something wrong with your relationship with your mum.
My mum and dad are getting the kitchen done, still they've been asking nearly daily when I'm going down with the kids to stay, same to my sister and brother.
We all live in the same town so we've been popping down for the day a few times a week and will now go and stay for the week from Monday.
It's the more the merrier at my mum's, 9 grandchildren in total ranging from 20-2 years old plus us 4 siblings and mum and dad.
We all cook and plan the days together, older kids catch up and younger ones cause more chaos but that's how my parents like it!
We are also British indian so I completely understand you op.

If you can't turn up at your mums house where can you ? Makes me very thankful for my mum who has always had an open door policy for all of us and our partners and our kids. And there's 11 of us in total. When it comes to food we certainly don't ask to be fed but she doesn't need notice to get some eggs out and makes an omelette if there's nothing else in and we all help and clean up. Why does it mean your time doesn't matter? Your children are not strangers... my mum doesn't stop her life if we call to say we are coming over.

The title for this thread also seems to apply to what happened between the OP and the replies which is very interesting...

OP is there no local auntie to spend time with or a nearby Travel lodge? Then mil knows your doing your thing, all the family see everyone and you have a bolt hole from your mum?

I'm sure if you told mil that mum seems,a bit off she will understand. Like you say your mil is like an additional mum if your Asian. She won't be judging you, more your mums hospitality and she hardly going to take that up with your mum.

Literally the best thing I’ve ever read on here 😂

What a bitchy post.

Why are you questioning what OP said?

Just take it on face value what she said was true. Shes asking for opinions, she doesnt deserve a freaking shake down! Grow up.

Your mum sounds horrible and drama-seeking. You have a couple of options:

Suck up her nastiness in order to keep up your relationship with your sisters and you kids' relationships within the family. As your kids get older, they will realise how nasty she is, side with you, decide they don't like her and you can all go low-contact and breathe a sigh of relief when she kicks the bucket.

You could cut her off and actually confide with your in-laws that she is not welcoming. You might find this better for your mental health. If your husband has lots of newphews and nieces, they will still have cousins to play with.

Mums's are only useful and needed if they are good. If they are shit, the damage they do is worse than if they never existed. You can cut her out of your life if you want. You have your own nuclear family and in-laws.

I agree, I'm surprised that nobody had by the point you posted said "I'd like to know your mother's POV"

OP, I'm so sorry. I don't know you, I don't know your culture, but I do know that family is important, and rejection from family feels terrible. Please know that some mothers are just this way, I know that doesn't make it much easier, but please try not to internalise this, or feel that this is your fault.

This is something with your mum, especially so given that it seems in your culture that big family gatherings, the more the merrier seems expected usually.

I hope you can do something with your children that cheers you all up.

Absolute poppycock. Plenty of mothers do not love their children equally. Your post is inaccurate and rude.

F me op. The fruit loops were out on force. Sounds hurtful and upsetting.

You must feel awful. I understand. Obviously without knowing anything else. Do you think there is something else because that reaction is over the top? Is she usually explosive like that? If you have any siblings you can trust I would ask. A shame for your kids but imagine going there and she creating a drama and your kids feeling worse. It could be something small that grew resentment from her part? You said she never liked you much but still.

Thank you for all the lovely posts I’ve had since I stopped reading. I only just came back on here today so thank you! I’m glad I did now.

To answer a few questions: I’m the youngest in my family and we’re all daughters so my mum has never kept it a secret I was a huge disappointment in terms of being born a girl as I was the “last hope”. She’s told me since I was small so I’ve kind of grown up with it, I think I forget what she’s like when my friends are all discussing plans to see their mums and my husbands family are all discussing when they seeing their mums etc. I think I forget which sounds odd I know and then I have the realisation all over again that she doesn’t like me. I think it’s like my mind protecting me in thinking it must be in my head but then she proves it.

poster who said she’s genuinely scared of the riots - I assure you she couldn’t care less about my safety. I was SA by a male relative when I was around 8/9 and never told anyone till my 20’s. The moment she found out she was swearing at me over the phone telling me to keep it a secret and never tell anyone else. Not once did she ask if I was okay or any other information. It was just treated like something dirty I had done and must bury it now.

i know this makes me sound strange but I keep hoping she’s become a good mother who cares about me but she never will. I just need to change the subject when others ask when my mum is coming over or when I’m coming over or how much they must be missing the grandkids!

I just feel especially low today as husband has taken kids to his mums and his sisters are over. I just can’t be dealing with seeing anyone I feel so low. I’m just wasting holidays away. Husband work long hours and has taken no leave so it’s just me and the kids during the week sitting around here.

Go places with your kids. You don't have to visit relatives, usually boring anyway. Or, visit your sisters separately at their homes. Do you get on with your sisters?

If you over react like this to people on here asking for clarification then I wonder how you react to your Mum.

She reacted like this to ridiculing and bitchy posts, not those asking for clarification.

@DyfunctionalFsmily your update is absolutely heartbreaking. She has let you down in the most fundamental way, and has failed in the most basic sense to be in anyway a good Mother. How dare she. Your anger and hurt is completely justified even without the additional Information. I would want to tell her to go fuck herself, the nasty narcissistic monster that she is. But I also get she is your mum and you want to have a relationship with her, for the sake of your kids, for the wider family dynamic. Good for you, for being brave enough, strong enough to pursue that. Your resilience is admirable and you are setting at amazing example for your children. But allow yourself to feel hurt by her cruelty, her failings. And remember they are hers to live with and be judged by, not yours

I DO know some Indians - this comment made me laugh out loud! My first thought was to wonder if that was your culture, as my friends have frequent almost identical conversations with their parents that involve "you'll never get my money", "you're dead to me", "I won't let you touch my body when I'm dead" etc etc. The way they coped was to develop really thick skin. They just kept saying "okay, okay" and kept turning up to the house, family events etc regardless. The parents wouldn't kick off in front of anyone else to save face. Then they would just smile, wave and leave! Visit completed.