To not believe how things escalated

[DyfunctionalFsmily]

I don’t have a good relationship with my mum in particular. I’ve always felt a little neglected by her. I’ve never felt any love. Compared to my older siblings she seems to be a good mother but I never got the same. I’m in my late 30’s now.

I felt a little sad this morning as my kids were saying they want to go grandmas house (not for her but all their cousins will be there) I phoned her up and said we are coming and maybe this time we might come by train. She went all weird and said don’t come as I saw on the news there are riots! Btw I live no where near there and neither does my mum. She then goes into a story that cousins from America are visiting their mum and my sisters want to go there on Sunday, I said to her so you don’t want us to come and she said that’s not what she said.

she’s always made me feel very unwelcome and that I’m not part of the family. There has always been so many difference I’ve see between how she treats my sisters and how she treats me. I feel so sorry for my kids as they are missing out. They were so excited this morning and my 6 year old was packing his suitcase already even though we hadn’t decided what day we would leave to go there. I just feel really sad and unwanted

sorry forgot to add: she started crying and screaming over the phone and telling me she does t want me at her funeral when she dies! And to just tell the kids she’s dead and they have no grandma! All this from me calling her to tell her we want to visit and kids excited

All sounds very difficult.

Maybe she is genuinely worried about the riots.
I was shocked to see racist graffiti in my lovely home counties village.

YANBU

I was the black sheep in my family and more than once they had big events they didn't invite me to. One SIL who was unpopular was asked to chip in an expensive gift for my mother then invited to the party itself the night before, done intentionally as they knew she'd be unable to attend on short notice. They laughed and laughed about it. Fucking cackling bitches.

The day my mother and aunt rounded up all their sons for a lovely photo op at a party and didn't ask me or my female cousin (we're both adoptees, all the many sons were bio kids) was basically the last straw for me.

I predict your mother will shit talk you to the wider family during the visit you've been excluded from. I'm sorry, it hurts I know. My advice is to forget her, stop making any effort at all. When relatives ask you just tell them plainly you're not wanted and not going to push yourself on anyone who doesn't want/like you.

Sorry, what?

Ignore the majority of the comments they don't understand the asian perspective. Have your sisters got an opinion on the situation?

I’m sorry I think some people on this thread are on the booze with some of these crazy replies.

Look, I suppose on the surface of it this could be interpreted as as your mum possibly feeling overwhelmed with hosting and not feeling up to more visitors and maybe she genuinely is worried about the riots. You could be seen as upping the ante/overreacting by assuming she was saying she didn’t want you to come and she has taken offence to your overreaction and overreacted herself (although the escalation is hard to understand given the brief details you’ve provided). This is how many on here seem to have interpreted this.

But clearly there is a background to this and you are viewing and experiencing this through the lens of someone who 1. Has felt sidelined/ treated less favourably than siblings for most of your life and 2. Is used to the Indian culture of large family gatherings and visiting/hosting relatives.

Your mother is never going to admit to treating you this way, so you have no other option than to make your peace with it, focus on the people in your life who love you and learn not to expect too much from your mother who clearly has her own emotional issues.

It seems like you've always felt rejected by your mother, despite your best efforts to be what is expected of you as a daughter.
Sounds quite toxic, I'd definitely be distancing myself as hard as that may be for you within your culture. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I'd also do something nice with your children that they'll love as much if not more than visiting her.

So you're an Asian, in the UK and you're angry that your mum doesn't want you and the kids travelling by train at a time when Asians are being targeted - even if they aren't in a place where theres riots.

Your mum is trying to keep you and your kids safe; but I get the feeling you'd be complaining if she wanted you to come about how dare she want me to travel during the current unrest!

OP I hope this question doesn't upset you, but have you ever wondered about the circumstances surrounding your conception? Maybe something there accounts for the difference in treatment? maybe PND, maybe something else?

It's bonkers that so many posters are leaping to defend the mum here. She sounds unhinged. Sorry you're having to deal with this, OP. I really think you need to take a step back from your mother - she clearly isn't going to change and be the mother you need or deserve, and if you keep hoping for things to be different, you will keep exposing yourself to hurt.

@mytuppennyworth I was thinking exactly the same as you.

Off topic sorry, but what does that emoji mean? Google isn’t helping!

I suggest your read up about narcissistic mothers and scapegoating.

It just means shaking head 🫨

OP, how many siblings? How many are female and how many are male? What are the age gaps? What do you all do for a living? What colour skin do you all have? Any of you divorced? What do your partners do? Anyone married out of religion, caste, race or class, married down in this case? As an Indian I'm going to take a guess as to what your mum's issue is. Get this deleted and put in South Asian Mumsnet.

From experience it doesn't take long for Asian mums to go from a mundane conversation to state that they are dead you and you are dead to them! Many low rent drama serials being churned out in the mother land with those dialogues. I blame these stupid shows where they are full of female actresses and it's always petty family drama. Then our older women watch those shows and get influenced.

Sounds extremely hurtful for you not to be welcomed with open arms, no wonder you are upset. Sorry the conversation went like this, nothing you did at all. Hope you can plan something else to do with the children.

I would delete this post and start again with the culture info and the fact that you were asking for two weeks ahead as if you read original post then it sounds like you rang up to say I’m coming today while you already have a house full of people.

bit crazy to go to don’t come to my funeral.

I wonder if something happened to your mum that was bad. Maybe she didn’t want more kids and was forced to have you and is projecting that hate onto you. It’s not your fault that she’s unkind.

I don’t speak to my mum as she’s narcissistic and lies and everything is about her. You don’t have to have contact with her if it makes you sad regardless of culture.

If I called my mum and said we're coming up to visit she'd be ecstatic, so I think that's a personal one TBH.

OP do you feel the concern for riots is genuine or very much to put you off? What do your sisters think or have you not broached this feeling you have with them?

I really do feel for your children, but I think in this instance, to protect them when possible, don’t share information with them about cousins visiting etc. is it possible for you to go and visit any of the cousins in the next few weeks outside of their time at Grandmas?

The OTT reaction from your mum is quite telling tbh. It’s a classic narc gaslighting technique, to make it in to something you did wrong. I would co low contact if possible and just tell family your mum is away or something, if that’s possible.

🫂🫂🫂

I'm white British and I think that sounds incredibly hurtful. My own parents are dead but if they were alive, I imagine it would be open house....just as it was at my grandma's house when we were growing up. We could have turned up anytime and there would have been a warm welcome, no question. No invite needed. I'm sorry op.

Well your mom sounds absolutely deranged @DyfunctionalFsmily, indian or not. I suspect you might be a scapegoat in your family, there really is no justification to her behaving like this. She could have said, sorry it’s already a mayhem here and im super stressed, can we arrange to meet next weekend when it’s a bit quieter. But no, straight into amateur dramatics. This is not normal.

Btw, i love it that there is a special word to describe the noise and mayhem in your language

OP, sorry you feel worse. Can you talk to one of your siblings and ask their opinion? Or would that not work?
Your mum sounds not the best towards you and that's horrible for you.

I can completely see why you’re upset OP. Even without the cultural context it’s hard to feel like you’re unwelcome in your mum’s home.
I have this relationship with my mum and have just resigned myself to the fact that this is just how it is for us but it will not be how I will behave toward my kids when they are grown xx

@DyfunctionalFsmily I'm sorry you're getting a bit of a hard time on here. While there are cultural dynamics factoring in, the classic scapegoat and narcissistic parent themes transcend culture.

I'm sorry, but your mother isn't likely to change, no matter how much you want things to be different. All you can do is decide how much you want her, as she is, to be involved and to be able to affect you. It sounds like you have other, positive relationships and support, so nurture those and find joy in them.

Seriously?? It’s your children and grandchildren!! Food is more important than family relationships?

Honestly, it sounds as though you have a chip on your shoulder. Do you love one of your own children more than the other? Do you single one out for better treatment? Of course you don't....so why on earth do you feel like your mother has done so to you? You should surely know that mothers love all their children equally, even if at times, they differentiate in their treatment of them. How would you feel if your children accused you of the same? You're in your late 30s and a mother now. You really need to get over this whole sibling rivalry thing and just enjoy life. You could start by ringing up your mother to apologise and hopefully she will too. Life's too short for all this rubbish.