To not believe how things escalated

[DyfunctionalFsmily]

I don’t have a good relationship with my mum in particular. I’ve always felt a little neglected by her. I’ve never felt any love. Compared to my older siblings she seems to be a good mother but I never got the same. I’m in my late 30’s now.

I felt a little sad this morning as my kids were saying they want to go grandmas house (not for her but all their cousins will be there) I phoned her up and said we are coming and maybe this time we might come by train. She went all weird and said don’t come as I saw on the news there are riots! Btw I live no where near there and neither does my mum. She then goes into a story that cousins from America are visiting their mum and my sisters want to go there on Sunday, I said to her so you don’t want us to come and she said that’s not what she said.

she’s always made me feel very unwelcome and that I’m not part of the family. There has always been so many difference I’ve see between how she treats my sisters and how she treats me. I feel so sorry for my kids as they are missing out. They were so excited this morning and my 6 year old was packing his suitcase already even though we hadn’t decided what day we would leave to go there. I just feel really sad and unwanted

sorry forgot to add: she started crying and screaming over the phone and telling me she does t want me at her funeral when she dies! And to just tell the kids she’s dead and they have no grandma! All this from me calling her to tell her we want to visit and kids excited

I get it, @DyfunctionalFsmily.

It shouldn’t matter what race or ethnicity or religion or nationality you are.
When your mum is off-putting it’s really, really hard. It hurts your heart.
For me it was my dad — he jerked me around my entire adult life. And he did it in front of family and friends and strangers. It was embarrassing and stressful.
I finally resigned myself to the fact that he just didn’t like me, that he had something against me. And I kept my distance.
My siblings loved that.
I know it wasn’t me - it was some weird hang up my dad had had. I tried the very hardest I could, and then I put it down.
I let it go. I let him go.
He lost me. I didn’t lose him.

To put your inlaws off you could book an Airbnb in the area your mom lives in and just visit the area talk about how nice it was seeing the hometown again just don't bother with your mother

Fwiw my mom is shite too she is currently ignoring me because I'm caring for her ex husband (my father) I'm assuming 🙃 and it's pissed her daughter off (my sister) because I'm not supposed to be the kind caring one that's HER ROLE (community carer) the fact that she has had fuck all to do with him since he came out is meaningless it's still something she would clearly be better than me at and I shouldn't be doing it I'm tired of it all and I'm letting her ignore me fuck it I'm letting them BOTH ignore me
It's quieter 😂

I don't think any of us can provide you with answers, but I'd definitely encourage you to delve deeper in to your mum's life. Something must have happened.

The fact that she is shunning you makes that really difficult, but it might be worth it.

I understand the cultural perspective, it really gives her behaviour more negative weight because it is so, so unusual not to gather as a whole family, and especially to exclude certain grandchildren.

I think you need to distance yourself from your mother. I can see the problems with this: MIL asking questions and your children missing family.
But on balance, these constant knock backs by her are really bad for your mental health.
Focus on having your children see cousins in other settings. If MIL asks questions, answer in a bland brief way and move the conversation on.

Definitely an ethnic thing, no such thing as too many guests when it comes to immediate family. 7 of us will squash into one room if we had to! Sorry your mum isn't being more welcoming xx

It's so different in our culture - if I just called my mum and said we're coming she'd get the tea and snacks going asap. I know it's different per family but it's sad when I hear that it's not always like that

You’ve clearly been lucky enough not to have a narcissistic parent.

@Scentedjasmin with respect you don’t know what your talking about.
Many of us have dm’s that don’t even like us.
It’s bad enough feeling rejected without being told by a stranger that you’re wrong.
When I told my dm I have incurable blood cancer she said that whilst she wouldn’t want it herself she envied the associated weight loss.

Look she’s obviously got issues. But your approach is making things worse!

Forget about cultural expectations don’t go anywhere near her unless and until she invites you. Make arrangements to see the cousins separately. Take your kids on a normal holiday.

If they ask why they’ve not seen her just tell them that Grandma is very old and gets vety tired so she needs some alone time.

Did you type that with a straight face?!

I have a lovely friend at work who is a Sikh. 3 of her 4 children have married within her religion but the 4th much younger child has fallen in love with a young white woman. She has been hysterical, she's going to be made homeless (he lives with her, husband dead), how will she be able to hold her head up within her community, she wishes she'll die soon etc. The girl is from a very nice, well educated family.

Classic narc behaviour. The whole ‘don’t come to my funeral’ thing is so classic.
she won’t change. If anything she’ll probably get worse. You can choose low/no contact or try and adjust your expectations. The main thing to remember is it isn’t your fault and you don’t deserve it. The golden child/scape goat routine is another classic narc thing and plays out in many families.

If it's her house how can she be made homeless?

She needs to calm down, even if he married a woman the same as himself, there is no guarantee the same religion girl would want to live with her.

Are her other 3 children girls? Just one boy?

Agree completely. It’s hurtful and unfair and clearly not the first time this has happened.

So sorry your going through this op
sending you hugs xx

Sorry you are getting a hard time for no reason OP. I get how much it hurts - my mum has got more and more distant and I’m upset by her not wanting to visit ours / us come to her more than every 2 months for as short as possible. Especially when you see friends with close mum/grandmother relationships

Why don't you just go anyway? It's for the kids. They're excited and you don't want them to be disappointed. And if you're not there, everyone will wonder why...

so sorry you and your kids feel like this. I’m same. Apparently my mum is too old to do x,y,z and cook for us (she is old, but going back a few years now) but then I go around and she is cooking a big dinner for my brother, girlfriend & kids.

@DyfunctionalFsmily I have no idea why you’ve had such heartless bullshit responses on here (amongst some supportive and thoughtful posts). Some really tone deaf and frankly stupid responses. @Scentedjasmin ‘s post was a particular low.

It sounds really hard, with your mum. I imagine you’ve had a lifetime of feeling less than and this recent incident is just too much.

💐

On a practical note, I think I'd be saying 'mum, when can we visit as MiL is starting to think its weird that we don't' and go from there. You can't do anything to make her more welcoming but at least she could help to keep MiL off your back, as I'm sure she wouldn't want her to be speculating either.

Yeah, this - arrange the outing/sleep over first then tell the kids!
Not get them all excited and packing before he's even been arranged, that way leads to disappointment!

Cant you visit your siblings/arrange a short break with them instead. If it’s about cousins getting together then do that.

Are you close to a sibling?

So you're an Asian, in the UK and you're angry that your mum doesn't want you and the kids travelling by train at a time when Asians are being targeted - even if they aren't in a place where theres riots

As a mother, I can perfectly understand her concern.. one wants to protect ones kids even when they're grown up.

But she doesn’t want to protect the other kids and grandkids who are welcome to visit?

Her eldest is a boy but he threw her out of the house when she refused to give him more money so they are estranged. She has 2 daughters both married with sons. It was very strange her behaviour as in lots of ways she is very westernised (in her 60s, not born in uk), she drives, speaks excellent English, has always worked. One of my dd is married to a Muslim and she told me no bmw for her children. She has gone quiet on the issue and pretends it is not happening.