To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

I've put all my important docs into my locker at work. I am saving every penny I can. I know how much I can afford to buy him out or sell. I have all my pension info sorted. I've told my boss. I've got a written log of it all and some recordings. I've got legal advice.

The last bit is deciding if I tell him it's over and ask him to leave. Or if I just leave with the kids. I have done all the secret prep but this is the final scary bit. Telling him

He tried to have sex tonight and I refused. He was like "this is the way it is now with you. No surprises Ginge". He knows we are so horribly unhappy. He wont accept it because he's looked after by me and he will be livid. But he isn't happy either. Problem is I don't think he can ever be happy as he hates himself so much. He's obsessed with himself but also hates himself seemingly!

I do think you should log with 101 your house and number.
He is not a stable man.
I really think leaving might be safest.
I think ringing 101 and telling them that you are fleeing abuse would be best.
Men like him are quick to report to police that women fleeing them are "missing".
Being told by police they are "aware" can be very very sobering for them.
Bullies hate being exposed.

He sounds well up the narcissist spectrum. Mine was. I had to leave when he was out. When I went back to try again…yeah I know , I still wear the Stupid sign…. I had to leave again while he was out because of the whining and snotters, and the we need to talk about this, just stay another day because I need help with x ..that went on for over a week . He wouldn’t go out unless I promised to be still there when he came back. Anyway , one afternoon, he was going out to a meeting. I’d tried to leave that morning and the usual tears and snotters from him, so I made the promise. Then when he’d gone I decided, I was going. Once out the electric gates, I texted him, said I was going as I’d said in the morning and switched the phone off. I’ve never been back. Met him once in a park to discuss the divorce.

He won’t want you to leave, and he won’t go, if you tell him to. Best you slip away when he’s out somewhere for a couple hours.

And I agree with Goldcushions2

I still have nightmares about those electric gates. In the car trying to get through before he shuts them on me..like a video clip on a loop. I never reach the gates, they are always closing but I never find out if I make it through lol

You're ready, you WANT to do it, so please don't prolong the agony any longer OP. You CAN do this! Just take a deep breath and tell him, or if you don't want to face him, do as you have been advised, ie, ring 101 and tell them what you're doing, so that he doesn't report you as missing, and leave. We're almost half way through January now, you've put it off long enough. Time to pull the plug! We're all here for you. Please let us know that you're safe once you've done it. Sending you COURAGE and a sisterly hug.

Just remember your posts about how this utterly mediocre and inadequate man kept accusing you of 'fucking things up' and how he was so angry with you in front of the children that they ran under the table to hide.

You've done all the practical things to enable you and the children to leave. If you are scared that his reaction to you telling him that you want to leave will be abusive in some way, particularly involving your children, please speak to Women's Aid or Right of Women.

Yes. You've done the preparation. It's time. You don't want to be here in 5 years with your boys deriding you every day when you come home. We're all rooting for you and ready to support you on here.

@Endoftheroad12345 can I quickly ask - and anyone else who has recordings - how did you let you ex know about the recordings? H would go absolutely crazy I'd he realised I'd recorded him over the last year when he's been nasty. Can it be used the other way round e.g. he could say in court it proved I was untrustworthy? I do now have a solicitor - I can tell her right?

Oh god. Yes I think this shit is going to last a lifetime. Maybe the memories and dreams serve as a helpful reminder to avoid awful men in the future. I ignored red flags. I hate to admit that but I remember 5 months in he texted me something so manipulative and shitty...and I thought...oh god, he's a shitbag isn't he? And yet somehow a few days later I pushed that feeling down and told myself it was a "me problem" but my gut knew the truth from day one. Bloody idiot that i am!!

Don’t blame yourself. I did but I’ve learned it’s partly because we grew up where it was normalised. Plus every relationship has blips and no one is perfect, right? We make allowances we shouldn’t but they are skilled manipulators, who know when to be nice again so we soon forget.
it’s the boiling frog thing. Put the frog straight in hot water, it jumps straight out. Put it in cold then turn up the heat slowly and by the time it feels the danger, it’s too late.

I wouldn't tell him you have any recordings at all.

I would tell your legal advisor. He might well try to twist things and say you've been spying or are bonkers or whatever bullshit he's likely to come out with, but once you are out./he is out, and the kids are with you... it doesn't matter so much.

Don't give him the time to stew on it and work it around in his mind!

Id tell him to fuck off... but have a back up plan to leave if he will not. Find out where you stand re selling the house/getting him out etc if he wont leave.

So some bags packed for the kids, ideally kids somewhere else, tell him to leave and if he won't sling his hook, get in the car and go to somewhere previously checked out and suitable, when you've a few days leave in hand to get things sorted.

Not a word about the recordings.
Keep that information for when it might be useful.
But let the police know you are fleeing incase he calls them and reports you and the children gone.

Get out and tell him when you are gone that you have left.
Ask Women's aid for best advice.

Keep repeating to everyone one he was abusing you and the children and abusing you in front of the children.
The children are afraid of him.

You are doing this for your children.
Don't listen to your mother.

Please go, go safely, but go. Ultimately he needs you to be within reach to control you. Get away and you can begin to heal.

You DON'T!!

Telling him this is likely to put you in danger, so don't even consider it! You can tell your solicitor that you have recordings, and they will advise you from there.

I too it ford many, many, MANY red flags @Ginge88 and I am an otherwise intelligent and assertive woman with a great career and to all outward intents and purposes a very strident feminist. Which puts the shit I put up with at home even more mind boggling and embarrassing. We got together when I was very young (just turned 20) and I had terrible role modelling from my parents in terms of their relationship dynamics and inability to set healthy boundaries.

In terms of the recordings - my exH knew I had them as the reason I took them was not to punish jom
or as revenge or anything but because 🥴 I thought if he saw evidence of his behaviour after he had calmed down he would realise how bad he was and stop it/take steps to address it. What a moron. I now realise he knew exactly what he was doing and didn’t give a shit/thought I’d never leave.

Given you are scared of his reaction if he found out about the recordings, he’s clearly psychologically abusive. I’d highly recommend talking to the police - they have teams specialised in domestic abuse and will recognise the behaviour. I spoke to a police officer after DS came home with a bruise on his arm after a weekend with exH. ExH had pinched him. Minor in the scheme of things but worrrying given exH’s history. I logged it with the police (this was only October last year, so nearly 2 years after we split) and the police officer I spoke to was amazing, so reassuring and validating - I wished I’d gone to the police earlier but I was worried about losing control of the process and some decisions being taken out of my hands.

For the 648th time, I’ve read this post before 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Ginge88 You can tell your solicitor anything. All conversations and correspondence are legally privileged and therefore confidential.

Just because there are 648 other threads about abusive husbands and fathers, that doesn't mean that OP can't start one to ask for advice and help about her own particular circumstances.

I'm not sure whether your post was meant as a criticism of the OP or a cry of despair that so many women are trapped in awful marriages with abusive men.

I hate to think how many posts of exH’s hideous behaviour people would have had to read over our 13 year marriage before I finally left.

It is now 2 years on - my wonderful boyfriend is in the kitchen making my kids waffles for breakfast and has just brought me a coffee in bed. He would no sooner call me a fat bitch (like my ex did 100000 times) than grow wings and fly to the moon.

I am not saying a new man is the answer btw- he lives far away so most of the time I am by myself with the kids and we are happy, life is calm, we have a happy and hospitable home and we socialise far more then I ever did when I was married. Last night we had 3 families over from school who I didn’t know that well - the kids are mates - I would never have done that as exH would have hated it. I have to deal with exH’s shit frequently but less and less now as he has a new gf and his attention is focussed elsewhere. Life can be really happy @Ginge88

I waited till I left and he was denying everything. I was crazy, making it up. So I told him over the phone on one of those calls. I told him I had copies with a solicitor. I didn’t. I never used them but he knew I could prove he was a liar and a cheat. He conceded he’d been lying but then it was my fault he’d cheated. Suddenly I wasn’t perfect any more but my poor communication drove him to cheat..which was bollocks cos he walked out the room any time I tried to communicate. Anyway, 2 of the OW had been on the go since before we even met.

If he starts to be difficult , I’d bring them to attention. If he just cooperates with a divorce and doesn’t make waves, because divorce is no fault anyway, you might only need them to show he is not a safe pair of hands for custody, if he is causing issues there. If he agrees, you can get divorced after one year separation. Or it was the case when I did. I had to wait 2 years because he didn’t want a divorce.
The more you can agree before going to court, the quicker and cheaper it is.
You can tell your solicitor you have them . As I say, divorce itself is usually no fault but they may help in other ways. Certainly if he escalates , the police would have evidence of prior behaviours.

Oh, I wouldn’t tell him face to face if you think he’ll go crazy. You weren’t untrustworthy. You knew he would lie and needed proof of his behaviour.
These guys..again…can be sweetness and light in public and people won’t believe what goes on behind closed doors, so you needed the evidence. It’s also child abuse to be doing that in front of the children ..

@Ginge88

I just wondered how you and your boys are getting on - really hope all is ok

How are you getting along @Ginge88 ?

I keep saying to myself I am not going to update this thread as feel so ashamed about how it is all going! Thank you for being kind enough to check in though