AIBU to not want my DH to know where I am and what I'm doing at all times?

[Izzosaura]

This is inspired by the recent thread about people who are on tracking apps with their partners. My DH has no interest in us being on a tracking app and nor do I so this isn't a practical question so much as a theoretical one.

During the tracking discussion, I found myself having really strong negative feelings about being tracked but found it difficult to justify these rationally. As a few people put it, why worry if you have nothing hide? So I went away and analysed why I was so hostile, and I realised that apart from my wider worries about tracking (the danger of it not being truly voluntary due to pressure to agree to it; the potential for coercive control; a dislike of a world where people don't have to make the conscious choice to commuicate but just expect others to know their movements and fulfil their needs)... there actually ARE things that I want to hide from DH.

These are the exapmples I can think of from the last few months:

• I'm working to lose weight at the moment and have had considerable success, but a few weeks ago I had an appointment cancellation that unexpectedly gave me a spare half hour for lunch at work and gave in to a craving to go to a local chippy. I was embarrassed about breaking my diet and wouldn't have wanted my DH to know I'd been there. He would have been fine with it and wouldn't have seen it as his business to judge but he'd likely have made a joke about it and I wanted to avoid that.
• Last week I was meant to be out on a work visit about an hour away but it got rescheduled so I ended up spending the morning working from home unexpectedly. I didn't tell DH as knew that he'd then have expected me to do some tidying round the house - something he always does when working from home. But I had deadlines to meet and didn't want to do anything other than sit on my laptop. I therefore didn't mention the change in my schedule to him.
• About 3 months ago I was meant to be meeting up with a friend for a country walk and my DH agreed to look after our daughter whilst I did this. My friend met me but needed to leave earlier than we'd planned so we did a shortened version of the walk. Rather than rushing home, I enjoyed an hour to myself going round some nearby shops. I didn't tell my DH because although he'd have been cool with it, I felt guilty.

If my DH and I tracked one another, these omissions / white lies on my part would have been busted. I suppose I like to continue to be free to do this sort of thing once in a while. I'm also fine with the idea of him doing things he doesn't tell me about that are of a similar nature.

Some would perhaps say that this is the sort of dishonesty that breaks relationships and is a sign that our marriage is doomed... so am I being unreasonable to think that this sort of thing is fine or not?

YABU - These things shouldn't be hidden from your DH and you should be totally honest with him about where you are at all times.

YANBU - It's fine not to share these sorts of things with your DH; it's ok for married people to keep some things from one another.

I think people have tracking apps to work out when they need to make dinner (to avoid having to make calls from the car) and as an 'in case something happens'. We don't use them but if that's what they were for (eg if I was regularly walking home from somewhere a bit dodgy) then I don't see the issue.

I think the issue in your case is more around being married to someone who makes jokes about you breaking your diet, or who expects me to do housework when I'm meant to be working from home, or who I don't feel I can say to them that I'm taking an extra hour out for myself.

So this is basically a rehash of the thread the OP referenced. Some weirdos like to track their spouse or be tracked, sensible people see it as an affront on their privacy.

I think normalising this stuff is everyone's business to an extent. No one really cares that people are watching them, until thru do. But then it's too late to say they're uncomfortable with it without arousing suspicion..

lol, we managed with only landlines- it was largely batch cook on weekend and microwave your individual plate when you got home. If one of us was very late, there would be a bit of worry, stress, calling round and perhaps even going out to look for them along the usual route.

This doesn’t mean that mobile phones are not useful or not a welcome addition.

It’s the same with tracking app- it’s really freaking useful to us because we have unpredictable schedules.

I don’t understand this Luddite fear of new tech. Yes we all managed before, just like people managed before phones, before cars, before factory whistles, before church bells, before…

I think everyone should do/not do what is comfortable for them. Each to their own!

In my relationship, my DH or I not being where I said I’d be/being somewhere more/less time wouldn’t be an issue. Feel quite bad for those of you who for whom it would be a problem and agree you are best not tracking/being tracked.

Besides, I’ve left my phone on one bus and two trains alone this year (and once in a suitcase that was in the hold) so for me it’s invaluable 🤣

YANBU.
Sometimes it's good to have time to yourself to recharge. I wouldn't ever want to feel that I have to justify it either.

I am a lone worker in and out peoples houses and my family all have my location and we keep intouch constantly throughout the day if the my don’t hear from me they can look when I was last seen etc. i think it depends on your family and personal preferences. If I go to a new person I send a text and rough location, they check in with me after the appointment time has ended. I find it reassuring they know where I am

I don't know what's worse really. Not wanting to be tracked and being unable to say, thinking that your partner spends every waking moment looking at where you are, or actually having a partner who does spend every waking moment looking at where you are.

My wife and I share our location with each other. I only ever look if she's on a long journey and I want to get dinner on, or similar. I don't think she's looked at my location ever (certainly single digits and for the same reasons as I look to see where she is).

The modern world truly can be shit if it brings up all this worry about insignificant stuff.

Exactly. Why TF do people get hot under the collar about other adults voluntarily and happily using a well-known app for the purpose it was made for.

I think the key is 'freedom'. It is such an essential life affirming thing. The freedom to make my own decisions (and face the consequences!). It is what makes us 'self'. Not just daughter or partner or mother.

For me it's about having (some) of my own money, it's about having a partner who shows loving concern but doesn't interfere with my decisions. It's the delicious prospect that tomorrow I 'could' be sitting in a french cafe having lunch. [the reality is always going to be shopping in Sainsbury's].

I do a bit of lone working in houses too, and work have a buddy system. We don't use trackers in our family but it has literally only just occurred to me that work might have a problem with it - for confidentiality we don't share the addresses we are visiting with our spouses!
I don't like normalising the idea that they need to be monitored to my kids, it sets them up for partners wanting to do it in the future.
We can be married and not have to be able to tell each other's location all the time. I'm really not the jealous type and it just doesn't strike me as something that would be desirable.

I have all those freedoms. And I share a Life360 app circle with DH so we can see where each other are if we want to. The two aren't incompatible.

I have a day off a week. Sometimes I stay at home and clean or garden. Sometimes I stay at home and do fuck all. Sometimes I go to the beach or for a nice lunch. The fact that DH can see where I am if he wanted to is no factor in my decision making.

Some people are more aware of other people's small, subtle judgements and so pick up on things that many simply don't notice or care about. I don't think you're unreasonable to keep some things to yourself. I'd guess maybe you're more sensitive/ attuned to criticism and so more private to avoid it.

I find it abhorrent that people track each other like this. I would never do it in a million years. I think that unless it's for safekeeping it is just fucking weird.

Is it not 95+ percent of the time used for safe-keeping and/or innocuous checking to see how far off someone is?

What’s so abhorrent about it if everyone involved is comfortable with it? I have tracking turned on for my partner as does he for me.

I haven’t looked at it in the past few months but it’s peace of mind that if for some reason I was unable to get hold of him for an unexpectedly long period of time, I could at least check in on where he was.

I still cannot understand the point, and I wouldn't call it progress frankly, it's not "fear of new tech". Just because it's modern doesn't mean it's an improvement.

At least it's useful if you want to cheat on your partner, leave the tracker at work or wherever you are supposed to be, and get on with whatever you are doing in perfect secrecy 😂

I think normalising this stuff is everyone's business to an extent. No one really cares that people are watching them, until thru do. But then it's too late to say they're uncomfortable with it without arousing suspicion..

Absolutely that. Every one of you who think it's normal and harmless, are arming someone else's controlling partner. "You don't want to put a tracker on your phone? But everyone else does. It's normal. What have you got to hide?"

It makes me shudder.

? You can unilaterally switch it off at any time and go dark. And how is that any harder than cheating with no tracker? It’s easy to say, oh I put phone on airplane mode to save the battery….

It has zero impact either way- cheaters are going to cheat.

Bullshit. Just like if I were to say everyone against it is “arming” kidnappers to just take women and kids off the streets with no way to know where they are being taken to.

WHERE did you see that i was suggesting it would encourage people to cheat?
That's not what I am saying.

I just pointed out that it will make it easier. You have a suspicious partner, phone and tracker stay on, in the office, and you are elsewhere.

I was joking, but it's actually a good idea 😂

Putting your phone in aeroplane mode doesn’t stop location sharing. At least, not if you are using Apple “Find My”.

Absolutely that. Every one of you who think it's normal and harmless, are arming someone else's controlling partner. "You don't want to put a tracker on your phone? But everyone else does. It's normal. What have you got to hide?"

It's harmless and useful in my own healthy relationship. Other people's relationships are their own issue. I don't make decisions based on other people. How ridiculous.

My DP travels a lot with work, and I always track the airport arrivals board to see if he is delayed or on time. If he’s at football I will occasionally look to see if the match is finished or in extra time. Otherwise, no.

you might not.

Expect a lot of threads on MN "my partner/DH doesn't want to put a tracker on his phone, he must be hiding something and cheating, should I divorce him immediately?"

Yeah it does…from those you are location sharing via FindMy, but not 3rd parties (government, mobile providers etc) or yourself tracking your phone by say Bluetooth signals or cell tower blips.

https://www.ncesc.com/geographic-pedia/can-people-still-see-my-location-if-my-iphone-is-on-airplane-mode/ (June 25, 2024)

“This means that your iPhone can still determine its location using GPS, even when in airplane mode. However, this location will not be shared with others over the internet.”

”If your iPhone is in airplane mode, it cannot be located using Find My. This means that if you lose your phone or it gets stolen, you won’t be able to track it using this feature. Unfortunately, there are no workarounds for this limitation.”