17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

[Joanfromnextdoor]

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

She can stay, only if u can track her on phone ding know she’s alive. Give her fixed ££ per day. Don’t gush or give her any extra attention. Treat her like someone who has let u down.
if she takes u off location tracker, punish her when return. No phone or no money.

I agree. Tell her how disappointed her grandparents would be if she didn’t go, and how it would spoil your own and her sister's holiday.It would be very selfish of her. A week won’t kill her. If she absolutely refuses you can’t physically drag her but you can certainly stop all treats for a long time once you’re back.

She's old enough to know that sometimes adults do things we don’t really want to do, because it will make other people happy.

I'd just say that she's coming and then stop asking her about whether she's coming/wants to go.

I agree. I'd tell her it's the last year she has to go and she needs to make an effort for her grandparents sake.

Why was she desperate to go to Paris if she hates France so much?

I agree with this. Bilingualism is such a gift. You can’t repair the damage now but what I wouldn’t have given to have been raised speaking my grandfather’s first language - but sadly he didn’t raise my Mum with it. Would have benefitted me more than almost anything else.

If you don’t trust her ask where she’ll be staying for the week because it won’t be at home. If she stays at a friend’s, okay, but no Paris or Reading unless she comes away and makes an effort with her grandparents.

I wouldn't be taking her to Paris for a concert if she won't go to visit her grandparents. (If I've understood correctly).

I'd go natural consequences.

France is boring.
Her French isn't good enough

If I misread and concert is in U.K. just go natural consequences "actually I don't want to go - it's boring. And I know you don't think anyone should go somewhere they don't want to - even to please others".

This worked for me with ds and helped him see the world from both sides - eventually. We did have a few accusations of me trying to use bribery along the way 😂😂

I just pointed out I wasn't bribing him to go. I was actually respecting his rules on the way life should work 😉

It's not just a holiday though. She is also visiting her grandparents. Part of life is sometimes doing things you don't want to for the care of others. Stop begging and pleading. Tell her she has to come and visit them for their sake not hers.

I left my 18 and 16 year old at home with the dog while we went on holiday. When we got back there was dog hair everywhere I had to clean it up. I sold the dog a few weeks ago. I am all for leaving late teens behind they cost too much money.

Good for your child. It isn't the norm though! And the OP hasn't raised any of those arguments.

If their DC has commitments at home then.of course it would be different.

But all they have said is their DC doesn't want to go

I don’t think forcing it is going to foster a true relationship though? Ds has a great relationship with his grandparents precisely because it’s a free choice. We’ve traveled to see them together or alternatively I go alone or he does. They also reciprocate and try to share in what interests him. It doesn’t sound like that has happened in OP’s case.

I'd left home by the time I was 17 - how have you raised a young adult that can't manage to work out that she needs to close the fridge?
Just tell her you expect the house to be as tidy as you left it on getting home

Oh op I'm sorry. As a Brit abroad, I'd be devastated if one of my boys refused to go back to the UK to visit my home / family.
Sympathies. I hope she goes in the end and enjoys it.

This is how my parents raised me and it did help me to see other people's POVs (even though it felt SOOOO UNFAIR at the time 🤣)

If she can’t be trusted at home she has to find a friend whose family will take her in for the week or she comes with you. I would also say how disappointed and upset I am that she is choosing not to visit her grandparents

Just leave her behind, but you don't do any prep for it. She has to keep it clean and tidy. I just suddenly say ok you can stay. She may be attention seeking and she may love the fact you are pleading and begging her

I wouldn’t book a grocery delivery, not if she is going to leave the fridge door open!

I did but I’d rather hang out with my friends in the city we lived at than go to the countryside to do not very much and be bored out of my mind for days on end.

There’s no legal age limit for leaving a child (i.e. under 18) alone. But it’s considered neglect if it puts them at risk. It’s more if something terrible happened, e.g, if they were harmed in a fire as a result going to bed and leaving the hob on. But, it’s unlikely a parent would be prosecuted for leaving a 17 year old unless their disabilities etc meant they’d be at risk. And the way to be sure is by having a neighbour or nearby friend to keep an eye.

Fair enough. And to be fair, I would never have questioned my parents on anything like this! So just trying to see all sides.

I have just had a chat with her and she told me about how her social anxiety is bad, she has no confidence, self-esteem and is very depressed. She is really unhappy. I can’t leave her on her own feeling like that - I may tell my dh to go with my other dd just the 2 of them. I need to take my dd to see a gp asap. I knew she was feeling down but didn’t know how down, we just had a long chat.

I think I can convince her to come but not seeing my family and just stay the 4 of us. She is constantly in her bedroom, on her phone, sleeping late.. she could do that on holiday but with a change of scenery and spending time with her family that loves her very much.

Your house your rules, until she leaves home, she is duty bound to visit her grand parents (extenuating circumstances aside) - is the Reading ticket and Paris trip a bribe to get her to go, if so you are being too soft with her

Is she well enough to go to Reading? It doesn’t sound like it tbh.

At 17yo she’s old enough she’s holding you all hostage, she’s old enough to understand you don’t trust her not to leave the fridge door open or take the trash out, she’s old enough to understand her grandparents may want to see her, she’s old enough to k ow she’s behaving like a spoilt brat (trip to Paris is ok but being with boring grandparents in Normandy isn’t?? Give over)

Youre pandering to her. Tell her if she can’t have the smallest regard for other people, you won’t have the smallest regard for her. No Reading, no Paris, no freedom until she’s proven she can be trusted to be responsible with that freedom. If she wants to act like a grown up, those are the rules in the outside grown up world. Period.

I think I can convince her to come but not seeing my family and just stay the 4 of us.

I really don't think she sounds well enough for even that, OP. Best to cut your losses and let just your husband go, or cancel the trip altogether. You daughter's mental health is now more important than a trip. Please prioritise wisely.