17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

[Joanfromnextdoor]

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

@viques you're right about the grocery delivery and the fridge - a few cans of baked beans and a loaf of bread should do it.

I went on holiday with friends at the age of 17, it’s perfectly reasonable to give a 17 year old some freedom.

Having said that, in this instance, I’d be really disappointed to have raised a child who wasn’t bothered about seeing their grandparents. Extended family are important in our family and if my kids weren’t bothered about maintaining a relationship with theirs, I’d feel like I’d gone wrong somewhere. It’s a week ffs, not a month - surely she can suck it up for a week? If she were my child, I’d be telling her to let her grandparents know she didn’t want to visit them and selling her Reading ticket. You can’t pick and choose when you want to be an adult.

Stick a camera in the house and call her up when she's messy or leaves the fridge door open.

We do this sort of foreign seeing the grandparrents thing and it can be very boring for the teens.

What we do is look locally for something to actually SEE and DO so that it's not just about being in the middle of nowhere.

So if you're going to Normandy, why don't you try and make it to Veules-Les-Rose which is a beautiful town by the sea and have mussles and fries and try and go swimming. The normandy coast is STUNNING compared to the UK coast. So wild and free.

Or go to Rouen or somewhere else in Normandy so she gets a sense of excitement to see something else other than just the olds.

We've found that being a tourist in the 'family' place helps a lot. It breaks up the boredom and monotony. Even if it's a museum or something. Or a market. Just something to feel like you saw something other than family, got completely stuffed and only saw 4 walls before shunting back in a plane.

She is constantly in her bedroom, on her phone, sleeping late.. she could do that on holiday but with a change of scenery

OMG no!!! If she’s really as anxious and depressed as you’re making out, staying in her bedroom and sleeping in and being on her phone are probably the cause - and if they’re not they’ll be making it worse!! Getting out of the house to do real things with real people who love her in the real world is what she needs, not more phone and more isolation and more misery! Sheesh.

But presumably in your case the grandparents and grandchildren speak the same language, which makes having a relationship a lot easier. And more meaningful.

And if she is depressed she should not be left on her own.

It sounds like she needs to join some clubs of some sort at home when you get back to help her branch out a bit.

'Elderly relatives'????? Her own grandparents??

Yes, poor girl. She'll have to miss Reading and everything else she's got planned for the summer.

I cannot get my head around this attitude, either. They aren’t just a pair of random geriatrics, they are her grandparents!

It's not a French thing ime.

Yes she definitely won’t manage a festival if she’s feeling that bad. I hope you have some joy at the gp, op.

I recommend you and your daughter read this book by Joe Griffin it will make sense. She needs to get out of her bedroom and leave her phone alone. She is harming herself. The way we all communicate today is crazy we are relying on social media to entertain us and communicate on. She can get better if you help her to get a life.
https://www.humangivens.com/publications/how-to-lift-depression-fast/

If you are out at restaurants etc, would you expect her to order in French when you are all listening? Just an example. We are a bilingual family and that age my dd had a massive blockage doing things like that. Just a small thing like to order food or drinks.. When she was young we went to see relatives (not in France) and some commented on her accent. But they themselves of course only spoke English and only saw her flaws. Not that her accent was a sign of bravery. Which it is.

You shouldn't have been.

Good lord, leave her home. She will realise she is missingvoit when youre gone. Or she will love being alone. You have a peacefuk holiday without your ungrateful child in tow. Winner winner.

I'd probably sell her reading ticket (if it was bought as a bribe) and tell her you will be going to Paris with someone else. She needs to learn You can't have it all your own way.

And stop spoiling her. Little wonder she has no respect.

How do you force a 17yo to do something they don't want to? I stayed home alone at that age while my parents went on holidays. Depending on when her birthday is she could be off to uni in a few weeks.

Has she been going to school and been reasonably happy there? Is she ill or manipulative? Hopefully if she is ill your GP can help.

Ah, OP, that puts a different spin on things. A change of scene with just her family could be good for her. Could you visit your parents on your own for a few days while the rest of your family stays in Normandy?

Methinks you overestimate some 17 year olds!

How sad she does not want to see her grandparents.

as she gets older she will realise how expensive holidays abroad are.

if she refuses and you can’t force her, then if you are unable to go, as a parent I would not be funding anything going forwards and would certainly cancel the Reading ticket p. Actions have consequences, you miss your holiday, she certainly has no treats.

How sad she does not want to see her grandparents.

as she gets older she will realise how expensive holidays abroad are.

if she refuses and you can’t force her, then if you are unable to go, as a parent I would not be funding anything going forwards and would certainly cancel the Reading ticket p. Actions have consequences, you miss your holiday, she certainly has no treats.

Yes, I'm sure the grandparents would love to know their grand daughter is in their neighbourhood but actually refusing to see them. A lovely holiday that will be all round.

No, I think you like many UK parents, way underestimate them.

The vast majority are 18+. They don't 'graduate high school'. They complete their A levels or BTEC or Bac and go to uni. They graduate uni.