17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

[Joanfromnextdoor]

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

I think 17 year olds can understandably be a bit protective of how they get to use their limited free time. There are so many pressures on them at that ages especially if they are doing A levels/extracurriculars/volunteering/job etc etc that they want to use their down time in a way that suits them.

That said, I expect if she's not used to being left, she'll find a week on her own hard work. I wouldn't fill the fridge etc; let her sort it. Either she'll step up and it will be a good experience for her, or she'll be coming on holiday with you with a more grateful attitude next time!

She's old enough to be left to fend for herself. I'd leave her be.

Actions have consequences. I have never had to put this in place though.

I would have thought 17 too old to be going on holiday with your parents no? Surely she’s immature because you’re not giving her enough independence.

Saying that, at 17 I would have chewed off an arm to go to France, I didn’t travel much though and had v little growing up. Your daughter sounds spoilt, why are you bribing her to go on a free holiday? Also why doesn’t she want to see her grandparents? That’s the unusual bit for me. Does she not have a good relationship with them? All very odd, as again at that age she should want to and be making an effort to see her grandparents.

She may not need to but it's surprising she isn't anyway. And she needs conversational French to speak to her grandmother

You obvs can’t physically force her to go if she plays hardball. But might it call her bluff if you say she can stay at home? Might she then decide to come because she won’t want to be alone for a week?

Bit of a legal grey area should anything happen to her while you’re away, especially if you feel she’s not capable of looking after herself. So, if she decides to stay at home, could you arrange for a neighbour or friend to keep an eye. Or could she stay with a friend for the week instead?

I’ve left my son at home when he was 17, as he didn’t want to miss a party, but he’s streetwise and perfectly capable of looking after himself/the house. I didn’t go on holiday with my mum after age 14.

I left mine with one of her friends.

The school holidays are not 'limited' free time. It's 6-8 weeks of no responsibilities, unless they get a holiday job. A week out of their comfort zone isn't child abuse.

But as I said, let them fend for themselves if they are willing to do it without wifi

I'd leave them at home and book a grocery delivery.

How can she be capable of going to Reading. festival but not able to stay at home?

Leave her at home. Leaving the fridge is not a reason not to

I've known a few parents who chucked out their adult offspring when they turned 18. Legally they are an adult at 18 they can drink and go to big prison. If they don't want to live and fit in then they can Fuck Off.

There’s no “legal grey area” about leaving a 17 year old at home, it’s absolutely fine legally

I’m inclined to agree with you @Frowningprovidence. If this were just an holiday, I’d say leave her at home, but this is spending time with her grandparents, who, to be blunt, won’t be around forever. Could you change her ticket so she could come home after visiting them perhaps?

My two (19 and 15) have spent my with my Dad this summer for his:sake far more than theirs. He loves seeing them and they make an effort.

I stopped going on family holidays at 16. My parents were fine with it, I had the phone numbers for extended family if anything went wrong but it never did. It wasn't turned into a battle and I wasn't shamed or punished for deciding not to go.

As an adult I love going on holiday with my dad and the siblings that can/want to. We share costs and decisions and really enjoy each other's company. I doubt that would be the case if I'd been left with bad memories of being forced to go on holidays I didn't want to when I was old enough to look after myself for a week!

OP probably can make her DD go, one way or another, but I don't think she should.

My Mum is French and therefore my grandparents were also. Spoke no English, nor did any of that side of the family. I do speak decent enough French but still at that age I didn't want to visit. I found the French side of my family quite hard to get on with, quite judgemental and I was also vegetarian which went down like a lead balloon and made meal times fraught!
Fast forward and my 21 year old daughter hasn't been to France since she was 16 when she found my Stepdad and French side of my family quite hard to get along with. I can tolerate it as I'm used to it but I do see her point in that their views and values are very different and quite at odds with a young woman, could just be my family but they are pretty sexist and place a lot of importance on looks and having a partner. Even my husband finds them hard work!
I wouldn't force her, it wouldn't be fun for any of you. She's old enough to stay behind and look after herself for sure. Don't take her to Paris though! She's lost that's

Well, my child is working towards a specialist exam first thing next term, doing an extended research project, continuing with his sport twice a week, volunteering once a week. His friends are pretty similar, with some adding in part time jobs, including one who got a job on Waitrose only to realise the reality of limited annual leave applied to him too 😂 So maybe the ops daughter has all six weeks off but I wouldn't take that for granted at all!

What a ridiculous statement…you can’t ‘make’ a 17 year old do anything, so how exactly do you follow through on the statement that she doesn’t have a choice? You can’t force her into a car or on to a plane And you can’t lock her out of the house and leave her to fend for herself on the streets while you without her. If the OP has raised someone so ill prepared for life that she can’t be trusted at home for a week at 17 then that’s as much on her as the daughter…17 is a relatively normal age to stop going on family holidays surely? And if the grandparents were that concerned about a relationship with someone who can’t speak their language, perhaps they could visit her once in a while!

I think that as it's paid for she goes.

If she hadn't agreed to go when you pleaded with her what would the plan have been?

I assume you’re French so why isn’t she bilingual? If you force her to go you will all be miserable, time to stop fucking babying her and trying to bribe her. Leave her at home or if you don’t trust her your dh can stay home.
Resell the Reading ticket.

I think there's a huge difference. I didn't have a problem with my daughter going to festivals at 16, but I would never have left her at home alone at that age. She woukd have been perfectly capable of looking after herself, and was a good cook by that age, but I could never have trusted her not to have had a party as soon as we were away.

Don’t be silly if all you have to worry about is her leaving the fridge open and a bit of rubbish then you are molly coddling the girl.’

My ds is 17.. this is how it went in our house:
Me - I’m thinking of going down to visit family next month, do you want to come?
Ds - nah.. I’m still looking for a job so probably bad timing, but I might go see them in the autumn.
Me - cool.. you can look after the cat.
The issue isn’t that your dd doesn’t want to go visit family (nice as that is, it’s not really a holiday per se) it’s that you don’t feel she’s capable of staying home for a week!

I think 17 year olds can understandably be a bit protective of how they get to use their limited free time.

You think 17 year olds have limited free time compared to adults who are in full time employment and have all the other responsibilities that go with being an adult?

I get that a 17yo might not want to go on a family holiday - I didn't myself when I was that age. It's the rudeness to her grandparents that is objectionable. Will she be expecting a present from them when she turns 18?

(And if she leaves the fridge open and food is wasted, she replaces it.)

@Growlybear83 but the op is worried about kitchen hygiene, not wild parties