17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

[Joanfromnextdoor]

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

Then leave her! Have some respect for her wishes. She's not a child. She's basically an adult. Give her that respect, good will and trust and freedom. She won't grow and learn if you don't let her. As I said, I think you'll be surprised.

There's no way I'd have left a child of mine at home alone at 14.

Didn't you have any connection to your grandparents?

🎶 Alors le voici, c'est Noël, tout le monde s'amuse un max 🎵

She is 17, not 7. Leave the fridge open, really? It sounds like a week coping on her own would do her good.

She sounds spoilt and unpleasant. My 17 year old wouldn’t dare mess us around like that. Is her behaviour an issue generally?

This. She’s not old enough to get a choice.

My SIL speaks Portuguese as her native language. She's always spoken with the kids in Portuguese and my brother always spoke in English. They grew up bilingual. The OP is French so surely if she's spoken to her DD is French for 17 years she should be fluent

You really need to just leave her at home, because the only way for her to learn to be independent and take care of herself is by doing it. The things you named are very minor tbh - leaving the fridge door open is something she will learn to not do once she tastes a yogurt that's been in an open fridge for hours or something!

Well you were way, way too young!

I think so too. I wouldn't have wanted to go away with my parents at 17 though I know, in this case, circumstances are different because you will be seeing family and her older sister is happy to go.

You cannot legally force her, she is over sixteen and can leave home if she wants. Just make it clear to her that she has to pick up her rubbish, close the fridge and make sure the house is secure at night.

She'll be fine but she might be nervous in the house alone, overnight. That would worry me more.

She's 17! Not 7. Basically kids are away at college or in full time work at that age! She is far too old to be dragged along with parents. Of course she gets a choice!

A real shame that she doesn't have the emotional maturity to see that it means a lot to you and her grandparents. It's one week! She'll regret not going when she's older.

This! No way would I be doing any of that for her!

I can fully understand your feelings, op.

Tell them if they are responsible for the cancellation then they are responsible for paying for that....no phone, no birthday money etc until the cost is covered. Actions have consequences.

She’s plenty old enough to be left at home on her own. Do yourself a favour and leave her be.

In future OP post in teenagers.

You won't get as many responses from people who don't have teens. What you think as a parent to a toddler and the reality of having a teen is as you know, worlds apart.

At 17 she should be capable (if NT) of staying alone. What exactly is it you are worried about- leaving fridge open and rubbish isn't enough - look at what are your concerns.

What kids are "away at college" at 17?

She is 17. Leave her at home for the week and don't worry about it.

At 16 I stayed home some for a week while family went on holiday. She will be fine. She’s nearly old enough to move out/go to uni etc.

If she leaves the fridge door open she will have to go and buy more milk for her cereal. If she leaves rubbish around it will stink in her nostrils not yours. She will survive.

17/18 is the average age students graduate high school, is it not. They then go away to uni.

Of course she can stay at home.

You don't need to stock the fridge for her, she can be responsible for that herself.

Personally I might change the WiFi password and not give her the new one - after all, you don't owe each other anything do you?

Ones that go away to do their A levels at somewhere like Hartpury College

Yes, but my point was, she doesn't need to be fluent for a week's holiday.