17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

[Joanfromnextdoor]

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

I'm quite shocked at the responses from parents telling her to leave behind a depressed teenager and everyone will be happier.

A change of scenery might help and the worst thing for her is to be alone day and night.

@Easipeelerie yes I'd read that. You've rather overreached with your autism diagnosis don't you think?

Exactly polar. I suspect most of the hard core ridiculous responses oldest children are around 6

Diagnosis?

I'd have given her a choice when booking it but I would have impressed on her that she needed to stick with that decision. I've given DS a choice on coming on holiday with us since he was 16 (now 18) and he has always opted to but I've made clear once booked, he has to be a willing participant. Did she have a choice when you booked it?

16/17 year olds might not legally be adults but they are different to younger children. You don't suddenly become a fully fledged adult at 18- independence happens gradually. I have left him at home when I've taken young DD on kiddy trips to Legoland etc.

Overnight trips that should say.

It's really shit she's allowed you to buy tickets and changed her mind. But at least she's admitted she needs help. I hope she gets the support she needs.

We were both wrong girls go to adult prison when they turn 18, males go to adult prison when they turn 21.

One of her children works in London and the other lives with her boyfriend. It worked perfectly well. They will always love their mother and appreciate her even more.

There is only two options that young person can take:

Option one
Most young people want to be independent they don't want to be told what to do. They can't have it all live at home with mummy and get her or his own way. When a young adult lives independently they make their own rules. Pay for their own food, gas, electric, council tax. That's what they want to do.

Option two
A clever young adult will follow the rules they will work, pay rent to their parents and save.

‘can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.’

shes 17? It’s about time she grew up and learned to be responsible! If she can’t be responsible she has to go with you. Or maybe staying at home alone for a week might be the lesson she needs

Your poor daughter!!!

She's just told you how unwell she is and you focus on her weight!

If she's too immature to be left alone surely there is someone she can stay with? An aunt or uncle or godparent or friend-of-the-family? Obviously and especially given the short notice you'd need to offer to pay board and lodging to whoever could take her.

An unhappy 17yo will spoil the holiday for everyone if you make her come

An unhappy 17yo will spoil the holiday for everyone if you make her come

And never mind the depressed 17 yo at home alone whilst everyone is off on a jolly?

Parenting comes with sacrifice. Kids can and do spoil things - that's life.

I'd talk to her and say she must come but if she doesn't want to do anything she doesn't have to. She can just chill if she wants.

Did you never consider how your grandparents felt and that maybe they wanted to see you? I'm glad my parents never let me be so selfish even if that did mean I had a few boring weekends.

This is what happens when grandparents are uptight, boring and unwelcoming, generally. Grandchildren aren't interested in visiting.

I know a few parents who allow their young adult to not work and play on playstation until all hours of the morning. If a young adult don't want to follow the rules of their parents house and wants to be independent you have to let them go and be independent. It actually worked out well her daughter moved in with her boyfriend and she's happy and her son works and lives in London he is also happy. It's shit parents who enables young people to be dickheads.

I imagine her weight is one of the things making her depressed.

@Boater it's possible to be fat and not be depressed.

I doubt her weight makes her happy.

The interesting thing about this is that the problem doesn't seem to be that you very much want her to go. It's that you don't feel she's sufficiently responsible not to.

So, actually, you'd be making her go only because you won't allow her to stay home.

In a year's time, you probably still won't think she's responsible. But you won't be able to force her to go (theoretically).

I think I'd solve that problem now, by letting her stay, so that it's a decision you can be seen to have made, rather than one you can do nothing about.

@Boater why? Because you think being fat is the worst thing on planet earth?

No. I’m by no means slim.

How many 17 year olds like being overweight?

Plus junk food isn’t good for mood either.

That should read no one in england goes to university before they are 18. It’s certainly not uncommon in Scotland where the age cut off for starting / leaving school falls differently. Ds had at least one fellow student in first year who didn’t turn 18 until the April, and there were plenty of others whose birthdays were in semester one.
(Not super relevant to the thread, but annoying when posters down south assume their experience applies across the board.)

So would I.

DS was seventeen when he decided he didn't want to come on holiday with us anymore.
We were away for two weeks and we came home to an empty fridge,two overflowing laundry baskets and lots of dog hair tumbleweeds.

Pretty much what we used to come back to when we left my father there to 'look after' the house.

@OhcantthInkofaname Wow, you really need to educate yourself on depression and anxiety. That there is still such ignorance, stigma and horrible judgemental attitudes around mental health, in 2024, is so sad. I thought we would have been better educated on the issue by now.

Not in my country. It's adults prison at 18. Not everyone posting is in England or even the UK.