17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

[Joanfromnextdoor]

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

Sounds like a good time to get away and break old habits. Young women are under so much pressure online , it’s hard to escape it. But she’s admitted her feelings and you sound like a good mum so that’s a good start.Good luck.

I'd leave her. And resell the Reading ticket. She doesn't get everything her way and I would be upset she didn't want to see her GPs

17 is awkward. A very mature 17 year old could be left, but it sounds like you have reservations OP? My niece was left on her own this age. Promised not to have a party and when the family returned there had been a significant fire in the kitchen and the rest of the house had been trashed. However, she was clear it was not a party…it was a soirée… so that was okay then.

Read OP’s update- the girl is depressed.

Many in Scotland start uni at 17 I believe.

I think was 16 when I started refusing to go on family holidays. Looking back, I was undiagnosed ND, living with total overwhelm and anxiety as well as the after effects of trauma and as soon as I had any chance to refuse the additional stress that came with a change in scenery and social circle then I took it. Luckily, I had always been sensible so my parents just shrugged their shoulders and left me at home.
If this is the catalyst for you being able to connect with your daughter and give her some more support that’s a positive outcome of this overall, OP. I’m sorry that the holiday’s causing stress but I’m sure that how you’ve responded will mean so much to her.

At 17, I’d leave her. We first left dds at 16 and 13 for 4 nights, for a wedding in Stockholm. I was in a tizz about it, but they (and the house!) were fine.

I would treat a 17 year old as an adult living in my house.

If they can be trusted, leave them. If they are untrustworthy, they have to make their own accommodation arrangements that week. Of course, one option would be France with the family. But, if they want to stay with another relative or sofa surf with friends or their parents, that would be fine too.

And how would that work?
Genuine question!

At 16 she's hardly going to be earning a fantastic wage is she?

To be able to pay rent, council tax, utilities, mobile phone travel/car insurance etc etc?

People that say 'throw them out', dont seem to have much of a clue, or don't have children of this age.

Perhaps she could live on the streets

This sheds an entirely different light on things. Yes, she sounds depressed. This definitely requires a GP visit. Sadly, it’s a common age for depression to start. Medication and counselling is the likely way forward, but in the meantime tread very carefully. She’ll be hypersensitive.

Could you make up an illness to tell her grandparents? Maybe a bad ear infection or something that would explain her quietness and miserableness? That would be a reassurance for them and a comfortable defence/shield for her.

I'm likely to be shot down here, but I think you need to take some more effective action.
You have no.problem negotiating with her about patis/reading, so you need to do the same again. Stop buying junk. Don't give her money to buy junk. If she won't come out of her room, tell her you will be turning the WiFi off, and you will stop paying her phone.contract. Tell her she has to participate in helping around the house and to go walking with you/on her own daily.
You are not helping her by allowing her to stay in her room eating shit all day long. You need to be a bit tough and remember you're the parent, she's your child.

If she’s depressed then she shouldn’t be left at home. A change of scene may help. No phones overnight to stop the doom scrolling.

Depending on your relationship with your parents, tell them or make up a bug that means they don’t comment on her being a bit quiet.

But I’d take her.

Why?

Why can she choose to pull out of something she doesn't want to do (but originally agreed to), but still gets to go to something she likes. It teaches her nothing.

If she's been brought up not speaking French and treating the house like crap who's fault is that?

She saw it in December when dark and cold. It might be different to see in summer. Moping at home won't do her any good either.

Leave her at home, you'll all be happier.

Ironically the change in scenery will do her good and then she clearly needs to see a doctor when she gets back.

Could you make sure you and her get a nice day out together on the holiday? Plan lots of walks as that will help her MH.

I agree. Leave her at home. If she leaves the fridge open it isn't the end of the world. Are you a little controlling and overbearing in the house. Constantly nagging.

Joanfromnextdoor I read your OP and knew what your update would be. It sounds so familiar to my DD.

Firstly, stop blaming yourself for your dd not speaking French/being overweight. It's not helpful and takes focus away from what's more important is how you can look after yourself when you're supporting DD.

Only you know what will work for your family. It's great that DD opened up to you.

Sending best wishes

Refusing to go on holiday is one thing but refusing to go to see GPs is not acceptable for me. I imagine your parents are excited to see her and she needs to put someone other than herself first.

Apologies I have just read the update. I'd tread carefully and not leave her but equally action has to follow. It can't be another week in her bedroom without getting some help.

There’s more at play here so maybe you will need to stay with her. Sounds like assessment for autism is needed - poor executive function, depression, need to stay in room etc.

You have met teenagers?

I think I would make it clear to her that she is now derailing the trip for the entire family. I would ask her to trust you as her mother that you really think a change of scene will help her mood.

I'm not saying it's that simple, and that she'll suddenly agree to go. But I would at least try that.

It sounds as if this young woman is having a crisis of confidence and has been in need of an intervention.
It’s good that you are prioritising her and taking her to the GP. Shame this didn’t come to light before your holiday was due.
Maybe with special understanding from her family, and some encouragement and light medication from the GP, she will see that the break will be good for her. I hope so as it could help reset her poor daily routine which isn’t helping her at all.

Whether the holiday happens or not, she can no longer be allowed to stop interacting with family and the household nor to comfort eat junk food, sleep late, get no exercise and have no friends. Living her life online is also very damaging. She is in danger of failing to launch herself as an adult if this goes on.
Leaving her on her own whilst depressed, isn’t a good idea. Best to tackle it head on now she has opened up to you. It will take massive effort and patience from the family to help her out of these bad habits.
I do hope that with special understanding from you OP, she will agree to come along in an effort to help herself get back on to a healthier footing. Good luck.

Responding to her update.