17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

[Joanfromnextdoor]

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

There are some really dreadful family dynamics on this thread. I don’t know anyone who has young adult kids who behave like this.

Quite. And I don’t understand why somebody has to be bilingual to visit a country for a week? Visiting grandparents can be a chore for some young people but tough.

@@Isitovernow123 What a nasty post
Did you even bother to read the OP's last update?

As a parent who had had to deal with a teen DC with anxiety and depression I have walked in the OP's shoes. Wind your neck in with your horrible comment!

There are some really dreadful family dynamics on this thread. I don’t know anyone who has young adult kids who behave like this.

And some really nasty posters completely lacking in empathy @OutOfChargeNow

Not all teens are like you. No way would I have spitefully ruined a family holiday. Neither would my teens.

Yes. Like always there is a middle ground. I wouldn’t describe the teen as a brat, spoiled etc. The OP I see has done the right thing by having a proper conversation. I still would encourage the teen to go away on the holiday though and find compromises along the way. And to keep talking and understanding about her mental health.

If you seriously think her mental health is poor then it should be DH who stays home with her and you take your other DD to your parents.

If you think shes being a spoilt madam, which it sounds like she is, then she comes. Stop bribing her with expensive treats. The most I’ve done is offer a 30 minute motorboat trip on derwentwater after a long walk- when ours were about 12. I would expect them to visit DGPs.

She should view this as an opportunity to practise her French. Her comment about her French not being good enough is ridiculous.

It's a week in France, not ten years in a gulag. If she's too immature to be left, she goes with you.

.

@CoffeandTiaMaria read the OP's last update FFS.

OP, you sound very caring. Taking her to the doctors is a good plan.

One test though might be ‘if you are too poorly to come on this trip with your family I will have to cancel Reading for now, we can look at going next year’

When you are in France, do people comment on her accent or her language skill in general? It can be very exposing speaking another language especially when the expectation is high and you are being compared with native language speakers. Any comment even a kind one or a positive one draws attention to your less than perfection. As a teenager that can be very hard. If the comments are jokey that will be even worse. Could this be behind the issue. It might feel like a minor detail to you, but it could be a huge issue for your DD.

@Runnerinthenight I know I shouldn't. I'm still suffering the effects of it 30 years on. But I don't understand why a (presumably NT) 17 year old can't fend for themselves for a week.

But I don't understand why a (presumably NT) 17 year old can't fend for themselves for a week.

Normally I would agree with you @sanityisamyth, but the OP posted the below in her last post and, as a parent who has had a DD suffering from depression and anxiety, I would not want to be in another country for a week while she was on her own.

I have just had a chat with her and she told me about how her social anxiety is bad, she has no confidence, self-esteem and is very depressed. She is really unhappy. I can’t leave her on her own feeling like that

Absolutely this!! She's spoilt and wants it all her own way so will get nothing more. My son is the same so I understand exactly how stressful this is OP. I would stress to her how important it is to make time with family _ if she's insistent on not travelling with you, then she rings her grandparents & explains why she's not coming. Actions have consequences.

Maybe it’s changed now, but in Scotland you could go to university at 17

@Thinkbiglittleone did you need to quote the OP? Did we all need to read it again?

At 16 or 17 I'd do this. You can't actually make her fo if she decides to hold her ground. She doesn't want to go so natural consequences she has to look after herself for a week. She'll survive, maybe she'll struggle and learn to be appreciative of her family, maybe she'll surprise you how well she do. Either way she's 17, she's nearly an adult, it's time she grows up.

At 17 I organised my move to the other side of the country completely on my own to start university. My DP couldn't afford to come, it wasn't an issue, I organised it all and went on my own.

I would just say she’s going and stop discussing it. She’s just immature. Allow her time to do her own thing whilst there, don’t make her come along to every family outing.

@RampantIvy that was a bit of a drip feed. OP said she couldn't be trusted to shut the fridge door etc well before she had spoken to the daughter who then announced she was depressed.

Just see update op. Sounds like a good idea. You could pop out to see your parents but not make it the whole trip. I’m sure she’ll some round/ it’s a tricky age and it sounds like the change of scene will do her good. The damn phone probably is playing a major part. Get her off Instagram!

I believe she is depressed, she spends all her time in her bedroom on her computer, or sleeping in late, she eats junks, I know some it it’s typical teenager behaviour but she completely collapsed in tears yesterday and admitted that yes she was selfish but couldn’t help it

Two of dds friends went to colleges elsewhere for 6th form to do specialised course / live overseas and lived away from home aged 16-18 so that is certainly not an unbelievable scenario.

i can only assume there are lots of mums of toddlers on this thread with the “make her go / kick her out “ comments 🙄

Try to get her out for a walk every day and you can improve her diet . How does she get junk in her room all day?

I believe I get some of the junk and she manages to get some too. She is overweight, and it’s my fault.