17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

[Joanfromnextdoor]

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

At that age, my parents would have left me, l would have called my mates and had a week long sleepover!

Her French is likely to be good enough for that, there's a long way between conversational and fluent.

You poor thing! I am presuming your father is the old-fashioned misogynistic type where he gets to insult women and what they eat and wear and say, and your mother was too scared to speak up? If that were me, my father would be wearing his dinner! And I am not even kidding. And I'd march out, go home, and would not contact him/them again until they apologised to me.

Leave her at home she will be fine. I had my own flat and a toddler at 17. I bet she actually surprises you and is a lot more capable then you give her credit for.

I would agree with this. My DH was born abroad and then emigrated to this country.

When the DC came along, they were raised speaking both languages and trips to his country were quite frequent (not the once in ten years that the OP mentions).

Both DC were even baptised in his country, even though neither of us are particularly religious, but it was sort of expected by his family so we acquiesced.

But it wasn't all sparkles and rainbows. They often didn't see the point in speaking their father's language. When he spoke to them in his native language they would often reply in English; they clearly understood everything but were exasperated about him insisting that they practice speaking the language.

However, things actually improved as they became older teenagers. They became closer to their cousins in his country who were a similar age. So whenever we visited, the teenagers would all disappear off together and get up to god knows what (I really don't want to know) and they then really appreciated being able to speak another language.

You need to up your game. She is 17. So you tell her:

1. Her Grandparents will not be there forever.
2. It’s not all about her.
3. YOU need to spend time with YOUR parents, and since she has proved she is so immature that she can’t be left alone, SHE has to go along with YOUR plans this year.

When she is 18, she can do what she wants, but just not in YOUR house!

At 17 I had no choice but to go on holiday with my family.

I'm in two minds about whether 17 is too young to be left for a week. If she says she's depressed and anxious, would getting away for a bit and off her phone not help?

If she stays I'd be reluctant to keep the Reading tickets. It's a bit of a double standard to drop out of a family trip for anxiety reasons, but a busy and loud festival is ok? Agreeing to something and then pulling out will have cost you money that needs recouping and is something I'd want her to learn from personally.

@Anyotherdude At 17, she's basically an adult, her mother does not get to make the rules about her life, she does. She's 17, and no one can physically force her. It's not all about the OP or her parents. At 17, her daughter is old enough to assert her boundaries, rights and independence. Btw, the thread has moved on a lot now, so the OP's post is old and she's given more updates, read the full thread.

I would have never been given a choice. If I'd been allowed to stay home, it wouldn't have been alone.

I do also relate to being the grandchild forced to interact with a grandparent where there is a language barrier. It's really awful and uncomfortable. It was on you to teach her the language if you wanted her to have any kind of relationship with her French only speaking family. The expectations of my parents in that regard were really unfair. So I understand where your DD is coming from and feel sympathy for that.

As far as your update, it's great your DD has opened up to you and you are getting her some help. It sounds like a sensible idea for the others to go and you stay home and tend to your DD. Good luck OP.

She's 17. That is old enough to stay home alone. Do you really not trust her? In a year she will be moving out to live alone. Think its a good idea to let her stay home. Practice independence.

It cuts both ways with grandparents - have they made an effort to build a relationship with her? Both sets of my gps were fantasic loving supportive and interested in what I was doing. I would visit them voluntarily as a late teen / young adult because I genuinely enjoyed their company. My teens are like this with my parents but not with my in laws who have been pretty disinterested over the years so there is not a meaningful relationship there. As a result a visit to them is an occasional duty call. You reap what you sow.

I said ‘basically’ an adult meaning not quite. I’m not apologisung for my comments. Comments were called for by the OP. You have your point of view, I have mine, end of.

I was tempted.

Being quite self centred is not exactly unusual at 17.

I would leave my 17 year old on this scenario but then I was left at 17 whilst my Mum and Dad went to Italy. I have an older brother but he was starting a new graduate job and not living with us anymore.

That’s mean.

@Concretejungle1 But how can someone who has social anxiety and needs to see the doctor go to a festival? She’s probably going to bail at the last minute.

Her social anxiety is bad? So everyone else has to give up a pleasant holiday because of her. I don't think she's sad I think she's spoiled. Tell her if she doesn't go she gives up privileges.

How did I dress?
Conservatively. Jeans, skirts, tops.
Absolutely, positively nothing inappropriate or revealing. The way anyone would dress around their parents.
My dad, evidently, just decided he was going to be cruel for seven days and since it only Mum and me and it couldn’t be Mum — it was me.
I don’t know what he got out of it. The satisfaction of berating someone who couldn’t fight back? I honestly don’t know.

Honestly I think you are being manipulated. If you are just hearing about the social anxiety now, it sounds like the final trump card. She will win, get to stay, while you miss out on your holiday. If she can go to Reading she doesnt have social anxiety.

Just leave her. I went on my last family holiday at age 14 on the agreement it would be the last. Times were different in the eighties, and holidays were not as child focused as they are now! I have never been on caravan holiday again - such relief!

I think some parents greatly exaggerate the importance of family holidays, just because you enjoy it doesn’t mean your teen does. It’s totally normal as a teen to want space away from family, it’s developmentally appropriate. There is little difference between 17 & 18, if you dont trust her now, you won’t trust her when she is 18. That’s really the problem, that needs worked on.

Honestly I think you are being manipulated. If you are just hearing about the social anxiety now, it sounds like the final trump card.

I’m thinking the same thing@Herculesthescot .

You go to 'big prison' at 25. 18-25 you are in a young offenders unit. You've known really shit parents.

I hope she will agree to go, separate accommodation for your family, a bit of sight seeing. At least get to see her grandparents for a visit. Be polite.
her grandparents aren’t getting any younger.

Does she have a friend who is sensible and has a sensible parent or two?

Ask if she can stay with her friend (if she has one) for a few days and then have friend stay with her for a few days.

I agree with Sashh - when I was 16 I stayed in a friend's house with her while her parents were away.
The worst thing we did was to waste a boiled ham her mother had left us - it was mid summer and we left it on the worktop all day and night. The flies got to it and laid eggs in it.
I'll never forget those maggots.
Leave her, she'll be fine, don't let her wreck your holiday.

Spoilt brat comes to mind. Ttake her house key off her and tell she’ll need to find somewhere else to stay whilst you’re away.