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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

593 replies

Joanfromnextdoor · 05/08/2024 20:05

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

OP posts:
SoreAndTired1 · 05/08/2024 22:47

RampantIvy · 05/08/2024 22:43

I think you should read the OP's last update. I don't think her DD should be left on her own under the circumstances.

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I did, and I replied. Which is why the trip should be cancelled altogether.

Her daughter's mental health is completely beside the point to whether an otherwise mentally health 17 year old should be trusted to stay at home for a week.

Bouliegirl · 05/08/2024 22:47

I’m finding it so funny the amount of people who would force her to come. How exactly will OP manage to physically do that.?
She’s 17; old enough to have sex, get married, have a job…

RampantIvy · 05/08/2024 22:47

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 05/08/2024 22:45

She sounds absolutely pathetic.

Feeling depressed for being in France over Christmas....wow that really is spoiled brat-esque.

You've done a lot for her now she needs to learn the skill of compromise.

What a horrible thing to say! Hmm
Please read the OP's last update.
Are you always this lacking in empathy?

WhiteLily1 · 05/08/2024 22:48

SoreAndTired1 · 05/08/2024 21:18

She's 17, an age where many are away at uni or working, she is far too old to be dragged on holiday with her parents! Unless she has some learning or cognitive issues, I think you are blowing your worries out of proportion. She wants the house to herself, she's 17, leave her alone. Let her be. You'll probably find that she'll pleasantly surprise you with how she copes.
This is the problem I find with the UK, they moddycoddle children so they are never left alone until they are well into adults. They never get the chance to grow, because they are never given that chance. Let her be. You can't force her. Give her that chance, she'll pleasantly surprise you, you'll see.

Firstly, No one is at uni at 17.
Secondly, she agreed to come initially so and work should have already been taken as leave.
Thirdly, 17 is certainly not too old to be ‘dragged’ on holiday for a week with parents. Especially when it’s seeing grandparents. Yes it might be boring. So what? You are doing something for someone else. She should he mature enough to understand that this means the world to her parents, sister and grandparents. And she already said she would go.
Quite honestly if she’s so immature to have her mum begging to go then I don’t think she is at all mature enough trustworthy in a house all week alone.
I have a 15 year old and she would never have me begging and pleading. She would hate to see me like that- how degrading.
This 17 year old sounds really quite immature and spoilt. If OP has booking things as rewards to go and explained why it’s so important to everyone and she is still digging her heels in it’s just incredibly immature and selfish.

Runnerinthenight · 05/08/2024 22:48

I have to say that the OP's DD is bloody fortunate to still have her maternal grandparents. My children had lost both of theirs by the time the eldest was 9, and the final grandparent by the time they were 15.

JohnTheRevelator · 05/08/2024 22:48

At that age,I wouldn't have had a choice.

Concretejungle1 · 05/08/2024 22:49

As someone who suffered severe depression and anxiety at 16/17 and had to have high doses of medication, i would not cancel reading.
if my parents had taken reading away, the only thing i had actually been looking forward too, that would have been one more thing to add to the list.

FeelingUnsure99 · 05/08/2024 22:49

SoreAndTired1 · 05/08/2024 21:31

17/18 is the average age students graduate high school, is it not. They then go away to uni.

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I don't know of any 17 year olds away at University. The average 18 or 19 year old at University in their first year are not living alone either, they live comunally. Maybe you are in a different country to me? I'm in the UK.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 05/08/2024 22:49

Joanfromnextdoor · 05/08/2024 22:00

I have just had a chat with her and she told me about how her social anxiety is bad, she has no confidence, self-esteem and is very depressed. She is really unhappy. I can’t leave her on her own feeling like that - I may tell my dh to go with my other dd just the 2 of them. I need to take my dd to see a gp asap. I knew she was feeling down but didn’t know how down, we just had a long chat.

I think I can convince her to come but not seeing my family and just stay the 4 of us. She is constantly in her bedroom, on her phone, sleeping late.. she could do that on holiday but with a change of scenery and spending time with her family that loves her very much.

I'm afraid to say it sounds like she had all her excuses ready for you.

And I think if one parent is going it should be you since it's your parents your visiting

SoreAndTired1 · 05/08/2024 22:50

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 05/08/2024 22:45

She sounds absolutely pathetic.

Feeling depressed for being in France over Christmas....wow that really is spoiled brat-esque.

You've done a lot for her now she needs to learn the skill of compromise.

Wow, you really need to educate yourself on depression and anxiety. It is nothing at all to do with being 'pathetic' or 'spoiled brat-esque'. That there is still such ignorance, stigma and horrible judgemental attitudes around mental health, in 2024, is so sad. I thought we would have been better educated on the issue by now.

CovertPiggery · 05/08/2024 22:51

Charlottescobweb · 05/08/2024 22:12

I recommend you and your daughter read this book by Joe Griffin it will make sense. She needs to get out of her bedroom and leave her phone alone. She is harming herself. The way we all communicate today is crazy we are relying on social media to entertain us and communicate on. She can get better if you help her to get a life.
https://www.humangivens.com/publications/how-to-lift-depression-fast/

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I agree with this.

I've had bad anxiety in the past and hiding yourself away and being on your phone until late at night is one of the worst things you can do.

It would be a good idea to help her work out a cutoff time for the phone and then bring it into your room with you until she can reset the unhealthy and damaging habits.

SoreAndTired1 · 05/08/2024 22:51

JohnTheRevelator · 05/08/2024 22:48

At that age,I wouldn't have had a choice.

At 17, basically an adult, you wouldn't have had a choice? That's really sad. It's 17. Not 7.

RampantIvy · 05/08/2024 22:53

@Joanfromnextdoor please ignore all the unsympathetic posts from the heartless posters who have never had to deal with a depressed teen.

I have walked in your shoes, and I hope your DD gets the help and support she needs. I agree that leaving a depressed teen on their own for a week is not a good idea.

Well said @SoreAndTired1
I must have cross posted with you. Some posters have had a complete empathy bypass haven't they.

Frenchsplit · 05/08/2024 22:53

Don’t cancel the other things. Her behaviour sounds perfectly normal for a 17 year old. Relax and go off without her.

CJsGoldfish · 05/08/2024 22:54

I wouldn't be bothered about the not wanting to come on holiday, that's pretty normal I think
I would, however, be bothered that my child would refuse to visit their grandparents, language barrier or not. They are her grandparents and I would be extremely disappointed if my child chose to deny them the opportunity to see and spend time with them while they are still around. It's not like it's a 6 mth stay and it's really not a big ask in the scheme of things.

How do you force a 17yo to do something they don't want to?
No need for 'forcing'
It's give and take in our home. My 17yr old would realise that, even if they don't really want to, it's important to me. That's how we roll. No 'forcing' but I don't place a lot of 'demands' so when something is important to me, they listen 🤷‍♀️

SoreAndTired1 · 05/08/2024 22:55

WhiteLily1 · 05/08/2024 22:48

Firstly, No one is at uni at 17.
Secondly, she agreed to come initially so and work should have already been taken as leave.
Thirdly, 17 is certainly not too old to be ‘dragged’ on holiday for a week with parents. Especially when it’s seeing grandparents. Yes it might be boring. So what? You are doing something for someone else. She should he mature enough to understand that this means the world to her parents, sister and grandparents. And she already said she would go.
Quite honestly if she’s so immature to have her mum begging to go then I don’t think she is at all mature enough trustworthy in a house all week alone.
I have a 15 year old and she would never have me begging and pleading. She would hate to see me like that- how degrading.
This 17 year old sounds really quite immature and spoilt. If OP has booking things as rewards to go and explained why it’s so important to everyone and she is still digging her heels in it’s just incredibly immature and selfish.

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I don't know where you are that 17 year olds who have finished secondary school aren't at uni.
At 17 it's her choice where she goes, and a sign of maturity is asserting her boundaries. Any parent that begs a 17 year old, is the pathetic one, and selfish.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 05/08/2024 22:55

Vous avez élevé un enfant gâté…..

Concretejungle1 · 05/08/2024 22:58

Frenchsplit · 05/08/2024 22:53

Don’t cancel the other things. Her behaviour sounds perfectly normal for a 17 year old. Relax and go off without her.

This. I used my phone, tv, playstation anything to distract myself from the thoughts. First i would try to go a minute, then two, then, five, then ten.
yes i would be on my phone till late as some nights i wouldn’t sleep, but it was better than lying there.
gp is a good place to start.
sometimes i wanted to be around people, sometimes i just wanted to be left alone.
don’t take things away from her. Having this is not a punishment, ( which is what it would be feeling like).
i hope she feels better soon.Flowers

NameChangeAndLifeChange · 05/08/2024 22:58

I wouldn't leave my kids at home at 17 in case they had parties!

FeelingUnsure99 · 05/08/2024 22:59

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 05/08/2024 22:49

I'm afraid to say it sounds like she had all her excuses ready for you.

And I think if one parent is going it should be you since it's your parents your visiting

Show quote history

Indeed. I couldn't accept "social anxiety" as a reason not to visit grandparents, whereas a trip to alcohol and drug-fuelled Reading festival with hundreds of thousands of other people packed into rows of tents like sardines, is just fine.

Elizo · 05/08/2024 23:01

I’d be very cross but at that age I would leave her and go and enjoy your holiday.

lolit · 05/08/2024 23:02

Just saw the update. If she is depressed, it's possible that the last thing she needs is you staying home with her trying to make her feel better. Speaking from experience

Redmat · 05/08/2024 23:03

Unless for some unusual reason you are a year ahead of your peers nobody in the UK goes to University before they are 18. They could be 18 on Aug 31st so one day over 17 but they will be 18.

FeelingUnsure99 · 05/08/2024 23:07

Where do you live where 17 year olds are at Uni @SoreAndTired1 ? I'm very interested.

In the UK you finish year 13 in the summer term of the year you turn 18 (if your birthday is 1st January to 31st August) or 19 if your birthday is 1st September to 31st December.

AutismTimesTwo · 05/08/2024 23:08

This is one of the most brutal threads I have read on here for a while.

The judgement, the name calling, the self satisfied insults in French - just how is that helpful to the OP?

I also find the comparisons to our lives at 17 to the lives of today's 17 year olds somewhat irrelevant.

I was far more independent at 17 than my 17 year old is now, but I hadn't come of age during a global pandemic, been cut off from friends and family, struggled hugely to reintegrate into a school system that was nothing like the one n the 90s all whilst living in a somewhat toxic digital age feeling like the fabric of society was coming apart.

@Joanfromnextdoor I'm glad your DD managed to open up and it sounds a good plan to modify the trip to take her feelings into account. I hope you all have a good time and enjoy the break. My 17 year old has been reluctant to come away with us this year but we both know that they are not ready to stay at home alone for a week just yet.

We have said that this is the last year we will plan for them to come and if they want to stay at home next year, that gives us a year to build their confidence and independence so that they are ready. We will probably try a couple of nights away in a half term to test the waters, then go for a week with the other kids in the summer.

Hope you have a good holiday, it's not easy but I wish you luck.