17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

[Joanfromnextdoor]

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

This is a divisive topic

Either
leave her at home and take away all her Paris trip nonsense
Or
Force her to come and stop her walking all over you

How have you not realised she’s as depressed as she says she is?
Definitely cancel the Reading tickets.

Are you my mother 15 years ago? I also refused to go on holiday to France when I was seventeen. I did NOT want to go. Who knows why, I just didn't. So they went without me and I was fine.

Family holidays when you are 17 can be utter misery. I wouldn't make her go. She may come to feel her own sense of guilt about disappointing her grandparents and realise her own lack of maturity. If you force her she will just sulk and spoil it for everyone.

Have you tried offering her a pony?

Leave her at home.

I stopped going on holiday with my parents when I was 16. You couldn’t have dragged me after that.

Ironically, we have adult kids of 21 and 25 that still come on holiday with us and we wonder if we’ll ever shake them off.

I don't identify with this whole family holidays are a misery and teenagers don't have to come. I've yet to come across teenagers who has been left.nehknd or who has been forced to go on holiday. Also, I do think teenagers needs to come along to see their extended family assuming there is no back story. I know in MN family are totally optional.

However if she really is that poorly she needs professional help. Hope it gets better.

If her mental health is truly that bad then you need to cancel the Reading ticket and take her phone off her in case she is in a spiral looking at bad websites. Tell her that and then see how she changes her mind about her so called social anxiety….

If she’s too poorly to go to France then she is too poorly to go to Reading to a festival.

she also will need restricted phone time if it’s sending her spiralling.

I hope the GP helps. I think a change of scenery with her family will do her good but also don’t force her to speak French if she’s self conscious about her French

Such irresponsible dog ownership!! Poor dog! Maybe you should have sold the teens.

But she sees her grandparents what, every other year? Sad though it may be, she clearly doesn't feel that close to them.

Don't plead with her - you are still the parent.
Either
Tell her she comes, butvthis will be the last time she is expected to join a family holiday

OR

Sell the ticket
Cancel the Paris trip
Leave her at home with the clear expectation that the house will be in the same condition it was when you left on your return.

They have plenty of other opportunities to do that.

She can stay at home. 17 is old enough

Please convince her. And don’t fore her to speak French or when she does don’t pay much attention to it. My dd was a copy of yours that age, it’s horrible for them and it is a real blockage. Which they can get over. My dd is now 5 years older and are introducing visiting customers at work in her second language. Never ever did I think she this would happen. But she is proud of what she does know instead of feeling bad about what she doesn’t I think.

Cant imagine sticking the boot in to a sad, anxious teenager like you’re doing here. Empathy is a skill, a lot of people on this site need to practice it

This comment sums up the arrogance of British attitudes towards other languages perfectly. OP is French, going to France, to visit her French parents, her daughter presumably speaks some French, as OP says she's "not confident", not that she can't speak it, and yet you still expect that English will be spoken most of the time 😂😂😂

Nice one.

I think you should read the OP's last update. I don't think her DD should be left on her own under the circumstances.

Still married over 20 years later though! 😂

Like I said. A foreign accent is a sign of bravery.

Sorry saw your final post.

sounds like she needs to improve her sleep hygiene to reduce mental health issues.

no phone after a set time, not kept in her room overnight.

and if she cannot manage going away with her family then Reading festival is an absolute no.

She sounds absolutely pathetic.

Feeling depressed for being in France over Christmas....wow that really is spoiled brat-esque.

You've done a lot for her now she needs to learn the skill of compromise.

Crap. I've had three of them.

My mum was the same, married at 18, but while her marriage was happy and lasting, she didn't ever want the same for any of us!