To forgive him and try again

[Mumof3MasterofNone]

I’ll try and keep this short.

Met a guy through a mutual hobby, we dated for 3 months (Nov-Feb). It was a whirlwind. Deep, intense. We both said we loved each other (him first)
I was so happy. I’d been in an unhappy marriage for 20 years prior. This was like finally finding true love.
In Feb something changed, I raised it with him and to my shock he ended it and said he didn’t feel the same anymore. I was beyond devastated. Had to have time off work etc

A week later he hooked up with someone else from our shared hobby and they spent 3 months together, all lovey dovey over social media. It was excruciatingly painful. I continued going to the hobby as I refused to lose out even though it hurt me mentally every time.

fast forward to 2 months ago, he stops ne outside the hobby and declares that he made a huge mistake, he’s ended it with her and is very very sorry. A week of long chats and airing everything I decided to try again. I love the bones of him and I missed him. He has been very honest with me even though it wasn’t nice to hear. He got cold feet as our relationship was intense and moving fast. She was a distraction/rebound. I know, I know.

We’ve been dating for 2 months. I love him, he says he loves me and he’s always ok with me airing my concerns about what happened.

But, I’m still struggling, I can’t shake the thought in the back of my mind that he’ll up and leave again. I’m a confident person, I value myself and what I bring to a relationship but I feel like this has left me with a huge scar. I’m constantly overthinking his words and actions like I’m just waiting for it to happen again. I don’t want to be like this, I made a choice to try again but the reality is hard.

AIBU to think I can move on from this with him?

As he has dumped you both I’d say it’s very likely he’ll do it again. Take control and end it.

Wait another month and you'll probably have your answer. It's possible that he can only keep up his facade for three months at a time. Until then regain your confidence and make sure you have lots of other stuff going on in your life so that you're not dependent on him.

No. He’s not a keeper.

Reframe it. You had a great time for a while. You can go and do that all over again with someone else.

People like him shouldn’t get away with playing hot and cold. It’s a him thing. Teach him it matters.

Personally this would ring alarm bells.

The whole super intense relationship then suddenly running a mile and THEN having a super intense relationship with someone else Immediately.

Sounds like he has issues.

I'd run a mile from someone like this.

Actually it reminds me of someone I ran a mile from.

look up love bombing. That's what he's doing. then he discards. Your gut is telling you everything you need to know, but you're ignoring it.

Red flags all over but you’ve gone back. Most wouldn’t touch him with a bargepole after round 1, but these guys seem to have a radar for those that will.

Sounds like he’s working his way around the hobby group and 3 months is his boredom threshold. In about a month you’ll have your answer.

End it. He will do it again if someone else turns his head and you are worth more than just being worth his time when hes single. Its tough, but you need to take back the control here.
Fact is, if he truly loved you he wouldn't have ended it.

I’ve thought everything you’ve all posted. Love bombing etc. I said all this to him when he approached me. I did see a raw side to him, he was shameful and incensed by what he’d done. He said the other girl was nothing like us, he never said he loved her etc, she was just there but he was thinking of me the whole time. I know that sounds cliche

I do want to wait and see how things pan out after the 3 months. And I do think he’s genuine this time. He did a bad thing and was immature with his and my feelings but I do worry that I’ll never be able to get over it and it will affect me/us in the future 😞

“He said the other girl was nothing like us, he never said he loved her etc, she was just there but he was thinking of me the whole time. I know that sounds cliche“

Of course he did. And because he said it you just swallowed it all up didn’t you?

Come on OP, don’t be silly, he’s mugging you off and as soon as another shiny new toy comes along you’ll be dumped a second time. Or cheated on.

He's feeding you what you want to hear, faux contrition, which makes him a not very nice person.

So he basically used this other woman and is now devaluing her to you. Is this something a decent man does? Poor woman, but at least she's rid of him now. Is she still in the hobby group?

Hs already broken you enough that you had to stop work. That’s some heartbreak for just three months. I don’t think you’re as confident and independent, or value yourself as much as you think you do - and he’s banking on this. He says jump you say “yes, how high, off a cliff?” - maybe don’t be so amenable and take him off that pedestal and see how quick the masks slips.

Believe me I’ve told myself everything on here. If I were my friend I’d be telling her to run. But, I love him. We all do mad things for love.

i know it could end and I know the risk I’m taking. My real issue is IF we’re still dating a year from now how do I get rid of the doubt or mental scars?

Sorry to hear this. The real issue is that he is playing you and this woman. It won’t change; sometimes you meet these fantastic men and wonder why they are single. The behaviour you describe is why. They get intense with women very quickly and then get bored. Then they cycle off find another and the cycle repeats.

Yeah. Love stories don't start with the man dumping the woman and shagging someone else for 3 months because of how much he loves the woman 🙄 sorry, you're unlikely to be able to trust him in my opinion.

Everything everyone else has said! Is his ex still at your shared hobby - I can only imagine what everyone else is saying.

“how do I get rid of the doubt or mental scars?“

You won’t. Just like when a man cheats on his wife and they stay together, the emotional scar remains. It’s the price you pay for doing ‘mad things for love’.

I know. It was heartbreak like nothing I’d ever felt before. Ridiculous really but I can’t help how I feel.
I did a lot of said with in the time apart. I dated (no one compared) and I rebuilt myself. I do know my worth. I did not let him back lightly at all. I told him exactly how I felt and what I thought.
I have decided to give him a chance. I know the risks. I just don’t know if I can ever relax and feel confident in us because of what happened.

This all sounds very intense and unhealthy

I don't think you're as robust as you say

Suggest you woukd benefit from time on your own

Best advice would be to cut him off and run for the hills (but I doubt you will do that, unfortunately)

It suits him to have you emotionally off balance; you will always be on the back foot in this relationship. That means you will hesitate to talk to him as he claims to want. But this is all on his terms. Good for him, rubbish for you

Don’t worry about a year from now. If you stay with him he’ll dump you multiple times & you’ll be caught in a cycle of idealise, devalue discard.

You’ll be a wreck, angry, sad & your friends will be sick if you talking about him.

Then what the point of posting on here when you have already made up your mind to keep dating this weirdo?

Not really. She comes a lot less than she did which I understand.
I struggle with her as we were ‘friends’ and she knew how I felt about him but still proceeded to drape herself all over him at class and post on social (he moved away from her and never posted)
it’s a mess, I’m aware but I do love him. I do know he’s learned from this and he is sorry. I know that in my heart.
aware I sound deluded, but I want him in my life

Because I was looking for advice on whether with time you can truly forgive