To forgive him and try again

[Mumof3MasterofNone]

I’ll try and keep this short.

Met a guy through a mutual hobby, we dated for 3 months (Nov-Feb). It was a whirlwind. Deep, intense. We both said we loved each other (him first)
I was so happy. I’d been in an unhappy marriage for 20 years prior. This was like finally finding true love.
In Feb something changed, I raised it with him and to my shock he ended it and said he didn’t feel the same anymore. I was beyond devastated. Had to have time off work etc

A week later he hooked up with someone else from our shared hobby and they spent 3 months together, all lovey dovey over social media. It was excruciatingly painful. I continued going to the hobby as I refused to lose out even though it hurt me mentally every time.

fast forward to 2 months ago, he stops ne outside the hobby and declares that he made a huge mistake, he’s ended it with her and is very very sorry. A week of long chats and airing everything I decided to try again. I love the bones of him and I missed him. He has been very honest with me even though it wasn’t nice to hear. He got cold feet as our relationship was intense and moving fast. She was a distraction/rebound. I know, I know.

We’ve been dating for 2 months. I love him, he says he loves me and he’s always ok with me airing my concerns about what happened.

But, I’m still struggling, I can’t shake the thought in the back of my mind that he’ll up and leave again. I’m a confident person, I value myself and what I bring to a relationship but I feel like this has left me with a huge scar. I’m constantly overthinking his words and actions like I’m just waiting for it to happen again. I don’t want to be like this, I made a choice to try again but the reality is hard.

AIBU to think I can move on from this with him?

If you can’t relax and feel confident then I feel really sorry for you. That’s not a happy relationship that’s a noose tightening around your neck. Every time his phone pings and he takes it out the room with him, every time he doesn’t text you back right away, when a new woman starts at his work... you’ll never know. If you can’t trust him it’s nothing. You could have the most perfect day together but if the next day he goes home and you’re left wondering if he’s having that same perfect day with someone else then what is the point?

Listen to this

%3D%3D

I wonder if one day that, you'll say that, you care
If you say you love me madly, I'll gladly
Be there
Like a puppet on a string
Love is just like a merry-go-round
With all the fun of a fair
One day I'm feeling down on the ground
Then I'm up in the air
Are you leading me on?
Tomorrow will you be gone?
I wonder if one day that, you'll say that, you care
If you say you love me madly, I'll gladly, be there
Like a puppet on a string
I may win on the roundabout
Then I'll lose on the swings
In or out, there is never a doubt
Just who's pulling the strings
I'm all tied up in you
But where's it leading me to?
I wonder if one day that, you'll say that, you care
If you say you love me madly, I'll gladly, be there
Like a puppet on a string
I wonder if one day that, you'll say that, you care
If you say you love me madly, I'll gladly, be there
Like a puppet on a string
Like a puppet on a...
String

......

Don't allow him to be your puppet master.

Op is up shit creek.. she has already lost one paddle. She is posting on here not to ask if she should throw out her last paddle, but to ask how to be okay when she does.

This man is lovebombing random women, getting a high from the intensity and then ditching them, and for some reason you feel like you’re the ‘different’ one. You aren’t. He clearly has history of doing this. Run, he sounds awful.

Op it’s not love.

He gave you something you had been missing. Attention and affection. Then broke your heart. You are ‘in love’ with fantasy that he sold you in those 12 weeks (ish) which turned out not to be true. He quite happily hurt you and then moved on.

He then dated someone you know. He didn’t care about not hurting you then. And surprise, surprise a few months later got bored of her. He used her. Then got you back telling you she was nothing compared to you.

Why would you live a man who does that? Hurts you again and again, uses another woman, gets bored and then talks his time with her down to being pretty meaningless to try and hook you in again. It’s not ok. And you were flattered by him admitting he was using someone else because your self esteem is so low.

You do realise he probably said the same to her? That being with you was nothing compared to being with her?

i am going to guess it’s going to last longer this time. Because he has done it once. But he will do it again and be telling the next one, your relationship with him is nothing compared to theirs.

Could you do it differently this time to help manage your own emotions - slow things down. Don't let it be intense. Give space and time away from one another.

You don't love him, you love the fantasy of him. The real him is the uncaring man who was able to walk away without a backwards glance when he fancied shagging your friend.

You do realise he will have been saying all the same things to her? Because that's his schtick. and he had the cheek to come out with 'it was moving so fast I got scared' - aaaaaw, the timid woodland creature that he is!

Even the 'vulnerability' is an act - actually especially the vulnerability is an act. It's like Ted Bundy snaring his victims by pretending to have a broken arm to evoke compassion and decrease suspicion.

Think about it - did it ever cross your mind to get with someone else when you were with him? And when it ended - how ready were you to hop into bed with someone else and plaster it over SM? When you love someone, that isn't how you behave. So he doesn't love you, he just says the words.

It's really hard to accept (I know, because I wasted way to many years with an arsehole like this), but you aren't special to him. Relationships with these types of people actually last as long as you are willing to tolerate being idolised, devalued and than discarded, over and over again. Because they always come back. It's any port in a storm, and the minute you have a disagreement, or you are anything less than new and shiny, he'll be back with her, or with someone else like her.

All you've done in taking him back is add yourself to his regular rotation.

You think this is his last chance, but you know how bad it was last time you split up? Next time is worse, because of the intermittent re-inforcement that has happened - it's increased your biochemical addiction to him.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour - and that goes for both of you. This 'relationship' (because only you are truly in it) is doomed and will never make you happy. How long that unhappiness lasts is down to you.

You know you can't actually believe in the images he conjours of your relationship and how amazing it is. You already know he is a man who says things that aren't true in the traditional sense. He says thing he truly wants you to hear, because he likes how you respond. If he was so not into the other woman, why all the lovey dovey posts? If the relationship with you was so intense and threatening, how come he was so casually unaffected by seeing you at the shared hobby and so completely uninterested in what affect his PDAs with his other girlfriend might have on you. You know, really, that you questioning how to manage your insecurity around his past behaviours is just going to result in you being hyper vigilant and unsettled and hyper focused on his every mood moving forwards, to keep yourself safe from his capricious behaviour. You'll always be on best behaviour and you will always ficus on keeping him happy and that is exactly what he wants out of this relationship. You already know all of this, and you'd see it with such clarity if he was doing this to your best mate. If he does last past initial fun stage, be prepared for a relationship where you will never put a foot wrong but if he is in a bad mood, it will be your job to manage and eventually all your fault. You'll focus on him and gradually empty yourself out. We've all seen it happen. You are worth so much more than this

Yeah I'm gonna put myself out there and give the total opposite perspective to everyone here. My relationship started pretty much the same. Except I didn't know the woman and I didn't "mourn" over him in that time, I got back out there and dated. I was out on a date the night He did his big "I want you back" and he had to come back the next night. I set firm boundaries that I would only take him back if he was committed and serious and that if he let me down that was it. He had his reasons which I won't go into but that I believe were perfectly valid, was he right to do it? No. Do I understand why he essentially ran away from happiness, 100 percent.

We're incredible. There is not a part of our relationship that I would change. We are a fantastic team, we talk through disagreements, no one is ever angry, everyone pulls their weight. We talk and respect eachother. He's an incredible father, looks after me, cherishes me. We both know there is nothing better out there. What it would feel like to lose what we have. I trust him immensely, he would never throw this away, he has lost me once and was faced with the idea that he could have lost me forever.

It took a short while to get there though, I do remember some doubt at the beginning, a resistance to let myself love him again. But he consistently showed me that he loved me and was committed and was reliable and trustworthy. It's actions, not words that build that trust. I don't think we could be who we are without that happening tbh. We talked about it alot, he answered every single question without hesitation that I asked. He's never tried to minimise or defend or excuse.

People put up with being treated terribly by their partners. People have relationships with people that threaten to leave but never do. That clearly don't love them, or that they don't love. And they all just stay together miserably.

He was unsure of your relationship so he broke up with you. That's actually not a crime. He decided that he fucked up and asked you take him back. The important thing is how he treats you, does he treat you with respect. Can you talk to him about your concerns without him deflecting or getting frustrated? Are you happy?

You should not 'love the bones of' some bloke you've been dating for a few weeks. You're in lust, which is fine if it's enjoyable but he's making a fool of you, shagging his way round the hobby group and you're believing his drivel.

@Mumof3MasterofNone the only way for you to forgive him and feel secure in the relationship is to give it time. It's not something you can force or take a shortcut. He has to prove over time that he's not going to let you down again before your head will start to believe it.

So take things very slowly. Don't let things get intense like they were before. Don't let him love bomb you - step back a bit, don't be too available to him, maintain your friendships and interests outside the relationship. Don't let this relationship assume so much importance in your life. If he's the kind of person who is hooked on the chase, addicted to the short term thrill, then he'll lose interest when you refuse to respond to this.

I'm in a similar situation. On round 3. Last time i blocked on everything and he came begging. I'm now enjoying our time but no longer trust so if he leaves again that's it.

To answer your question @Mumof3MasterofNone will you ever get over this, will you ever be able to trust him again? Well you can get there, like maybe even 99 percent of the way there, but you will never ever be 100 percent, no matter w
what he says or what he does you will never ever be completely and utterly secure in this relationship however long it should last. Next time another woman seems to take a shine to him and he turns his head you will be on tenter hooks, you will always wonder, you will always worry even if it’s just a niggle you push to the back of your mind it will always always be there because you now know exactly what he is capable of!

Look I don’t want to piss on your chips here, maybe it was all a huge mistake, maybe it was too intense and he got scared or whatever and then realised he couldn’t be without you, but you have even said it yourself that you know the odds are against this. Sometimes you just have to see something through even if you know it’s likely to end in disaster, I can understand that. The fact that you have this perspective on things tells me that you know deep down that this won’t end well for you, yet the memories of how good he made you feel the first time means that frankly you don’t care. That’s fine, you are a grown woman and you can make your own choices good or bad, just prepare yourself, this man is like a drug and you are deep in the fog, so please just try to remember to protect yourself and your heart.

If you feel it’s worth the risk to open yourself up to potential heartbreak again have you thought of setting clear boundaries with him. What’s acceptable to you and what isn’t? Is he working towards gaining your trust and being consistent in doing what he says he’s going to do? Do his actions match his words and is he going at a pace that’s better for you? Like everything only time will tell. It’s a horrible feeling wanting someone so badly feeling like they could let you down any moment but you’re too afraid to leave in case you’re making a monumental mistake. I do believe people can change but only if they want to. Only if they acknowledge what they have done and the impact it’s had and will do anything for as long as it takes to make things right. Does he have a history of this behaviour I wonder and is he remorseful?

We all do mad things for love

No, we don't. Love is an emotion, a wash of chemicals over your brain. Emotions can be controlled, they don't have to control you.

Your mind is screaming at you that this relationship is wrong, that he's going to hurt you, that you're better off out of it. Why on earth are you ignoring your rational mind for the sake of an endorphin rush?

He has 100% shown you EXACTLY who he is.

You are very foolish.
You want round two of the heartbreak of dating a selfish prick, you are going to get it.

You have shown him he can treat you like shit on his shoe and STILL reel you in for another round.

You can't say you are surprised when it happens again.

Clearly your gut is trying to warn you.

It is understandable if he felt things were getting too intense and split with you and had some time to reflect on the relationship.

But in your words he hooked up with another woman only a week later and was soon declaring undying love with her!

Most people when they split up with someone even if they instigated the split, need time for themselves and don't find another partner the following week! That indicates complete callousness.

He doesn't know what he really wants but what he doesn't like is being alone.

So when the relationship with this other woman fizzled out he was soon back to bed hopping hoping you'd let him back beneath the covers.

Just block him on absolutely everything.

This is really good advice @Mumof3MasterofNone.

This is extremely intense for someone you dated for only 3 months! Like literally just WEEKS!! Honestly, I think you know you're being a fool but I don't think you're going to listen to anyone until he does it again anyway. Good luck.

Of course you can help how you feel!
If you are looking at the same information you’ve shared with us, then he’s not a very nice person and doesn’t deserve your time and attention. He’s behaved badly to two women, left them struggling at work and socially.

You aren’t a child at the mercy of feelings you can’t control, neither is he. You are both making active choices, his to mess with women, yours to put up with it.

The red flag is waving wildly at you, why are you choosing not to look at it?

Take some responsibility and have a happier life as a result. Floating about while he picks you up and puts you down is not going to bring you happiness.

He won’t leave you again @Mumof3MasterofNone . The first time was just a test to see what shit you’d put up with and still take him back. Now he knows you’ll have him even though he said he loved you then instantly went off to date your friend and could rub that in your face constantly. He doesn’t need to leave you now, he’ll just start building on shitty behaviour over time.

Your username suggests you have three children, are they young? Is this the sort of man you’d want around them in the coming years?

We all do mad things for love = our hearts eat all kind of lies when they’re hungry.

Tell him you need a bit of time and space to heal from the hurt he caused you. If he’s the great guy and love of your life that you believe him to be, he’ll wait because he will want to do what’s right for you.

FWIW, none of the blokes I’ve thought I’ve loved after three months and a break up is the person I’m now married to.

I'm quite certain that you cannot.

You'll always be wondering if he's going to do it again.

I'm very sorry you're in this situation. It's so difficult to extract ourselves when we're in love.

I would like to know what he was saying to the other lady about you, during the three months he was dating her and having sex with her. That would be very illuminating.

Try to let go OP. Give yourself more value than this. But I know it's hard, and I doubt if you'll be able to end things with him.

I truly wish you well.

It's not a question of forgiveness IMHO. It's a question of trust. Will you always be wondering if he'll change his mind yet again.

What a liar! How can you not see that? He threw her under the bus so fast—do you not realize he made the same speeches to both of you and will say the same thing to the next woman? This is an incredibly narcissistic and shallow person who loves to play at being deep.