To forgive him and try again

[Mumof3MasterofNone]

I’ll try and keep this short.

Met a guy through a mutual hobby, we dated for 3 months (Nov-Feb). It was a whirlwind. Deep, intense. We both said we loved each other (him first)
I was so happy. I’d been in an unhappy marriage for 20 years prior. This was like finally finding true love.
In Feb something changed, I raised it with him and to my shock he ended it and said he didn’t feel the same anymore. I was beyond devastated. Had to have time off work etc

A week later he hooked up with someone else from our shared hobby and they spent 3 months together, all lovey dovey over social media. It was excruciatingly painful. I continued going to the hobby as I refused to lose out even though it hurt me mentally every time.

fast forward to 2 months ago, he stops ne outside the hobby and declares that he made a huge mistake, he’s ended it with her and is very very sorry. A week of long chats and airing everything I decided to try again. I love the bones of him and I missed him. He has been very honest with me even though it wasn’t nice to hear. He got cold feet as our relationship was intense and moving fast. She was a distraction/rebound. I know, I know.

We’ve been dating for 2 months. I love him, he says he loves me and he’s always ok with me airing my concerns about what happened.

But, I’m still struggling, I can’t shake the thought in the back of my mind that he’ll up and leave again. I’m a confident person, I value myself and what I bring to a relationship but I feel like this has left me with a huge scar. I’m constantly overthinking his words and actions like I’m just waiting for it to happen again. I don’t want to be like this, I made a choice to try again but the reality is hard.

AIBU to think I can move on from this with him?

You'll learn in the end, OP

But, I’m still struggling, I can’t shake the thought in the back of my mind that he’ll up and leave again

Listen to the back of your mind.

I just don’t know if I can ever relax and feel confident in us because of what happened.

Then what's the point in being in such a shitty relationship. There's a very valid reason for you feeling like that so listen to it and act on it.

One chance. One. If he does it again I’m done. No matter how much it hurts to cut him off. I know I’m a catch and I know I can be happy without a man, it’s not all on his terms at all

You don't love him. Not yet. You fancy the pants off him sure. But you can get over that

What do you think he said to the other girlfriend about his time with you...?

And 85% of votes have said to run a mile...

And all the comments are telling you to run a mile...

You are deluding yourself. But nothing any of can say will change your mind, so crack on.

He dumped you when he got a little crush on somebody else at the hobby. He sounds like a childish arsehole, people that do stuff like this will continue to do it throughout their life. I would have told him to piss off when he said he'd made a mistake, what he really meant to say was the grass wasn't as green as he'd expected x

One chance. One. If he does it again I’m done.

What if he does something else that's hurtful but not leaving you?

What if he priorities his friends or talks to you unkindly?

Wow is he Brad Pitt or something?!

You are being incredibly foolish OP, but I think you know that deep down. I hope your friends don’t run out of sympathy.

Run. Fast. He is an arsehole.

You are right OP you can’t choose how feel. You CAN choose how you act in response to those feelings.

You can also choose what to believe. You have CHOSEN to believe he has learned, he is genuine and his crocodile tears are indicative of true love. However, this is only because it’s what you WANT to believe.

And because it has no bearing on the reality of the situation, deep down you know it. And therefore that niggling feeling will remain until the inevitable.

How about a compromise? You are going to keep on seeing him anyway by the sounds of it, so in the meantime might you avail yourself of some very good therapy on your own and work through your underlying concerns, hurts, fears and aspirations? And I don't mean just around him - far from it. You could go back to your family life growing up and unpick what you learned about how relationships work and how you learned to fit in, and how your desires, values and boundaries formed.

Is he ashamed and incensed by how he treated the woman he dated after you - using her while he was constantly thinking about you. Or was she just collateral damage, a body to be used in his warped romantic saga?

You can do a lot better

To answer the question of “will you ever be able to relax and not spend your life waiting for it to happen again”, no I don’t think you will.
I think what happened will have you panic at every change in behaviour or mood, will make you question your own sanity and cause you to be in a constant state of stress.
Even if he’s being completely honest about everything, it almost doesn’t matter. Youl always be watching and waiting for him to hurt you again.

I think you should take it one day at a time and try to be happy with him because you love him.

Always be honest and build trust but this happens over time when he proves to you he is trustworthy so hang in there.

Good luck x

He will do it again so by all means crack on and inflict more pain on yourself if that’s what you want. Your version of ‘love’ and his are different. Love to him means shagging other women and making a great show of faux regret that you believe.

Ok, so I am going to ignore the leaving you for someone else but for now as I assume you want this relationship to work. I think that there is (potentially) nothing wrong with people being somewhat flexible in the early days. So let’s focus on where you are right now emotionally.
I do, unfortunately, know exactly how you feel and it takes time to rebuild trust. We had a little wobble at the beginning of our relationship and my partner left me very unexpectedly three months after we started dating. Something minor happened, we talked through it and everything seemed fine. He kissed me good bye and left to work in another city for a few days promising to see me on Wednesday. On Tuesday he called me, told me this isn’t working for him and then refused to meet or talk about it again. It was a horrible way to break up because I felt we had complete trust and openness in the relationship. There was no other woman involved but it felt like a betrayal because he made me feel everything was OK just to go and dump me two days later. On the PHONE! Thank god it wasn’t a text.
We got back together after three weeks. He’s been nothing but kind and supportive since but it took me a whole year before I felt safe again. I went through the craziness of second-guessing everything he does, suspecting he was cheating.. the whole crazy lot. BUT, rather than give into it, I always knew that I feel that way because of what happened in the past and not because something dodgy is going on NOW. Counselling helped, some CBT strategies of questioning the foundation of my thoughts, some compassion-focused therapy exercises. Luckily, I have some relevant training. What also helped was his patience and genuine willingness to work through it together and realisation that the way he did things was wrong.
We worked very hard together and, luckily, came out stronger on the other end.

Well he has a pattern of behaviour so don't be shocked when he drops you for someone else in a few months. Why does It all need to be so intense aswell? You keep talking about loving the bones of him and all of this but it doesn't sound like you've even been together that long and he was with someone else a couple of months ago!

You'll believe what you want to believe, but it's clear he's just playing the field. He came back to you because he was bored. If you meant something, he never would half left.

If it doesn't work he will blame you. It will be because you can't move on from what happened.

Honestly, I cringe at what the participants in your hobby must be thinking about these two female friends being conned by a total twat.

You dated for 3 months and when he dumped you you needed time off work? Okay, I’d say that’s quite an extreme reaction. This guy obviously has a strong effect on you and your emotions. Not in a good way. If someone dumps you after three months you shouldn’t be feeling as if a family member has died levels of sadness.

And now you’re putting yourself in a position where that might happen again. Why? Do you not realise there are plenty of fun and lovely guys out there who don’t mess women about, play games and stomp on their hearts?

Please please please move on from this man.

This. I think you'll look back on this and cringe OP.

I had a very similar intense thing in my 20s which went much the same way, total love bombing stuff but eventually he went back to an ex and I was utterly heartbroken. It didn't work out with the ex so back he came and so began the cycle. I was infatuated with him, I have never felt that sort of intensity with anyone, including my husband (because we had a lovely, 'everyone's on the same page, no games' start to our relationship).

The thing is, these people love the intense start to a relationship and everything that comes with that, but then they get bored and off they go, citing all sorts of meaningless excuses. And you get your heart broken over and over again.

It took me a long time to get over it and I wasn't really the same for a long time afterwards. All told it went on for a couple of years.

You say it's 'one chance' but I'm not stupid and I ended up giving several 'last chances' - these men have a way of making you believe them. Just don't do it, I honestly don't think you will end up living happily ever after with this guy. I cringe when I think about how I carried on at the time and how little respect I had for myself.

In what way did you 'not let him back lightly'? Other than telling him how much it hurt you when he dumped you for this other woman-which really just tells him how much you are willing to put up with in order to be with him. What did you make him do, to get you back?