Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To forgive him and try again

110 replies

Mumof3MasterofNone · 04/08/2024 08:10

I’ll try and keep this short.

Met a guy through a mutual hobby, we dated for 3 months (Nov-Feb). It was a whirlwind. Deep, intense. We both said we loved each other (him first)
I was so happy. I’d been in an unhappy marriage for 20 years prior. This was like finally finding true love.
In Feb something changed, I raised it with him and to my shock he ended it and said he didn’t feel the same anymore. I was beyond devastated. Had to have time off work etc

A week later he hooked up with someone else from our shared hobby and they spent 3 months together, all lovey dovey over social media. It was excruciatingly painful. I continued going to the hobby as I refused to lose out even though it hurt me mentally every time.

fast forward to 2 months ago, he stops ne outside the hobby and declares that he made a huge mistake, he’s ended it with her and is very very sorry. A week of long chats and airing everything I decided to try again. I love the bones of him and I missed him. He has been very honest with me even though it wasn’t nice to hear. He got cold feet as our relationship was intense and moving fast. She was a distraction/rebound. I know, I know.

We’ve been dating for 2 months. I love him, he says he loves me and he’s always ok with me airing my concerns about what happened.

But, I’m still struggling, I can’t shake the thought in the back of my mind that he’ll up and leave again. I’m a confident person, I value myself and what I bring to a relationship but I feel like this has left me with a huge scar. I’m constantly overthinking his words and actions like I’m just waiting for it to happen again. I don’t want to be like this, I made a choice to try again but the reality is hard.

AIBU to think I can move on from this with him?

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 04/08/2024 12:09

@WoopsLiza has a really important post that bears reading and re-reading.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 04/08/2024 12:13

You don't 'try to forgive' someone, you either do or you don't.

If you can't get past his (incredibly shitty) previous behaviour, I'd think it's for a (good) reason and accept it's not going to work.

Refugenewbie · 04/08/2024 12:13

This can't possibly work.

pinkyredrose · 04/08/2024 12:14

Good luck. I think you'll need it.

SauviGone · 04/08/2024 12:15

In Feb something changed

He’d already started making moves on the other woman from your hobby group.

A week later he hooked up with someone else from our shared hobby

Nope, they’d already at minimim been texting, flirting, meeting up for a few weeks before they ‘hooked up’.

Ask him about the overlap between you and her, see what he says.

seensome · 04/08/2024 12:17

Most likely he dumped you for her and only came back because it didn't work out.
I wouldn't of given another chance knowing he'd moved on to someone else that also didn't last long, you dont finish with someone when you're in love and it's intense, it's a rubbish lie, he's the type that gets quickly bored after the first few months, I doubt very much it will be a long term relationship.

Kelly51 · 04/08/2024 12:17

Sounds like you were very over invested; 3 months and a week off work with heartbreak, love like no other? you sound as daft as him.

magicmushrooms · 04/08/2024 12:19

he’s ended it with her - are you absolutely sure he ended it with her and not the other way round?

Because if she dumped him he is just bed hopping right now to anything available. I think this will crash and burn. He is telling you everything you want to hear right now and you are falling for it. I hope it works out but I have doubts.

EmoIsntDead · 04/08/2024 12:27

He said the other girl was nothing like us, he never said he loved her etc, she was just there but he was thinking of me the whole time. I know that sounds cliche

Ick. Is this the script from a bad 90s room-com? You’re being a mug OP. Raise your standards.

TeeBee · 04/08/2024 12:42

Yikes! All of this intensity after a three-month dalliance?! It really wouldn't be for me at all but I value my peace of mind above everything. And if a man didn't recognise all of the things I bring to the table, he'd be an absolute mug. And I wouldn't be interested in an absolute mug.
You could say to him that you want some time of your own to process things and clear your head (which it sounds like you really need) and will meet up with him in three months time and see how you both feel.
If he tries to get you to change your mind or keeps pressuring you...red flag.
If he meets yet another person in that time and has yet another intense relationship...red flag.
I'm not sure how you've got yourself feeling so intensely about someone about such a short space of time. Is he very good at drawing people in or are you desperate for a partner?

PearlSloth · 04/08/2024 13:07

Oh I know you will not break with him but I sincerely believe you will have your heart broken again as soon as the next person comes along.

ShinySteel · 04/08/2024 13:12

You say 'I know, I know'.

But you don't. Otherwise you would not have taken him back.

Be prepared for more heartbreak.

CottonwoolCubes · 04/08/2024 13:13

You think he's genuine this time because he may think he's genuine this time. But, he sounds emotionally unintelligent and out of touch with how he does actually feel. Who knows how he'll feel when the wind changes. I think you'll save yourself a lot of heartbreak if you walk away.

CottonwoolCubes · 04/08/2024 13:14

It may be worth a chat with her too.

Comedycook · 04/08/2024 13:14

He sounds like a total bullshitter

marmiteandminticecream · 04/08/2024 13:24

your plan b if your happy with that crack on or you could put a value on yourself and tell hm to fuck off

Goldcushions2 · 04/08/2024 17:43

WoopsLiza · 04/08/2024 10:15

You know you can't actually believe in the images he conjours of your relationship and how amazing it is. You already know he is a man who says things that aren't true in the traditional sense. He says thing he truly wants you to hear, because he likes how you respond. If he was so not into the other woman, why all the lovey dovey posts? If the relationship with you was so intense and threatening, how come he was so casually unaffected by seeing you at the shared hobby and so completely uninterested in what affect his PDAs with his other girlfriend might have on you. You know, really, that you questioning how to manage your insecurity around his past behaviours is just going to result in you being hyper vigilant and unsettled and hyper focused on his every mood moving forwards, to keep yourself safe from his capricious behaviour. You'll always be on best behaviour and you will always ficus on keeping him happy and that is exactly what he wants out of this relationship. You already know all of this, and you'd see it with such clarity if he was doing this to your best mate. If he does last past initial fun stage, be prepared for a relationship where you will never put a foot wrong but if he is in a bad mood, it will be your job to manage and eventually all your fault. You'll focus on him and gradually empty yourself out. We've all seen it happen. You are worth so much more than this

This.

You have children too?
I hope they are not young and the only person he emotionally abuses is you.

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 04/08/2024 20:51

Borninabarn32 · 04/08/2024 10:18

Yeah I'm gonna put myself out there and give the total opposite perspective to everyone here. My relationship started pretty much the same. Except I didn't know the woman and I didn't "mourn" over him in that time, I got back out there and dated. I was out on a date the night He did his big "I want you back" and he had to come back the next night. I set firm boundaries that I would only take him back if he was committed and serious and that if he let me down that was it. He had his reasons which I won't go into but that I believe were perfectly valid, was he right to do it? No. Do I understand why he essentially ran away from happiness, 100 percent.

We're incredible. There is not a part of our relationship that I would change. We are a fantastic team, we talk through disagreements, no one is ever angry, everyone pulls their weight. We talk and respect eachother. He's an incredible father, looks after me, cherishes me. We both know there is nothing better out there. What it would feel like to lose what we have. I trust him immensely, he would never throw this away, he has lost me once and was faced with the idea that he could have lost me forever.

It took a short while to get there though, I do remember some doubt at the beginning, a resistance to let myself love him again. But he consistently showed me that he loved me and was committed and was reliable and trustworthy. It's actions, not words that build that trust. I don't think we could be who we are without that happening tbh. We talked about it alot, he answered every single question without hesitation that I asked. He's never tried to minimise or defend or excuse.

People put up with being treated terribly by their partners. People have relationships with people that threaten to leave but never do. That clearly don't love them, or that they don't love. And they all just stay together miserably.

He was unsure of your relationship so he broke up with you. That's actually not a crime. He decided that he fucked up and asked you take him back. The important thing is how he treats you, does he treat you with respect. Can you talk to him about your concerns without him deflecting or getting frustrated? Are you happy?

Thank you! He made a mistake. A huge one but I do believe him. Yes he treats me well and with respect. He’s very loving and caring and I can see his much he hates what he did. I cab talk to him about anything. We made a pact to communicate everything even if we think it’s silly and it’s working. I am happy. He makes me happy. I know most people on here think I’m an idiot but I want to give this a chance. He’s my best friend

OP posts:
SaintHonoria · 04/08/2024 20:56

You're a puppet on a string, dancing away until he flings you to the floor to carry on with someone else.

Listen to this

%3D%3D

I wonder if one day that, you'll say that, you care
If you say you love me madly, I'll gladly
Be there
Like a puppet on a string
Love is just like a merry-go-round
With all the fun of a fair
One day I'm feeling down on the ground
Then I'm up in the air
Are you leading me on?
Tomorrow will you be gone?
I wonder if one day that, you'll say that, you care
If you say you love me madly, I'll gladly, be there
Like a puppet on a string
I may win on the roundabout
Then I'll lose on the swings
In or out, there is never a doubt
Just who's pulling the strings
I'm all tied up in you
But where's it leading me to?
I wonder if one day that, you'll say that, you care
If you say you love me madly, I'll gladly, be there
Like a puppet on a string
I wonder if one day that, you'll say that, you care
If you say you love me madly, I'll gladly, be there
Like a puppet on a string
Like a puppet on a...
String

pikkumyy77 · 04/08/2024 21:01

Parts one and two amount to how much time? 7 months? That’s really short to be bragging about how someone is your “best friend.” There are pickles in my fridge with a longer shelf life than this relationship.

savethatkitty · 04/08/2024 21:05

I think he enjoyed his time with you, until someone better came along. Now that that fling has ended, he's crawling back to you. I'm sorry to say I don't think his affections are genuine. You are filling a gap, filling a need. He sounds pathetic.

BlueScrunchies · 04/08/2024 21:23

A partner did this to me once, we had been together 6 months and were temporarily in different cities. He called me up and ended it over the phone and I was completely stunned. I had always thought myself quite good at reading things and this took me completely off guard. Fast forward four months later and we are back in the same town and friend group, and after a fling or two, he wants to get back together, he regrets it, still loves me, did a stupid thing etc… I forgave, and for a couple of months it was fine, but my love for him withered away slowly until I didn’t want him anywhere near. I wanted to forgive him but I just couldn’t and so it was over. Years later he told me that people had been in his ear about committing so young and he got cold feet and called it off. So it’s not always that they are bad people etc… people do things for all sorts of stupid reasons, only to regret it later one. This may be the case here, if I were you, I would put a time limit on your security, and if by that time you still worry about what he is doing/words/actions etc…, then it may be time to walk away. Good luck OP, it’s hard to do especially when the relationship is great otherwise.

Sassybooklover · 04/08/2024 21:46

He doesn't love you. He's telling you, what he thinks you want to hear, and what will get him what he wants. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't have dumped you after 3 months, immediately went off with another woman, who he then also dumped. It's a bunch of nice words, which actual mean nothing! Actions speak louder than words. His actions tell me, that he will tell a woman any crap, if he thinks it will make her forgive him (yet again). By all means see what happens in another month or another month after that. All that will happen is you'll be constantly waiting for something to go wrong. Long-term it will damage your self-esteem and self-confidence. You already don't trust him! You don't love him, you barely know him, you just think you love him, simply because the relationship has been so very intense. A relationship that starts very intense, deep and consumes you and your every thought, is unhealthy and is unlikely to last.

Tiredofallthis101 · 04/08/2024 21:56

OP there's a very small chance that this will go well. So enjoy that chance, enjoy the time with him, but embrace it as a temporary thing so that when it ends you aren't a wreck again. If it does go well good luck to you. There's no way I'd be trusting anyone on the basis of the lines he's fed you - what was his rationale exactly for why he ditched you and replaced you immediately?

mybeautifulhorse · 04/08/2024 21:57

He's not your best friend. He's really not. He dumped you and then lightning fast got with another woman who you were friends with and paraded it in your face, come on now...