Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

I work FT, have two kids, and have a spreadsheet to figure out childcare cover for the holidays. I have little sympathy for parents who CBA to organise themselves, but will happily swap favours with friends so our kids can have a variety of experiences during the holidays.

I also object to the FT Mum title, not because it triggers me, but because you can’t imagine anyone referring to an FT Dad or otherwise (in the scenario that both parents still live together). It seems Mums feel a need to tie themselves in knots to describe themselves, but Dads are just Dads, whatever they do.

Your bil texts your dh to complain you won’t look after a total of SIX children? I’d be telling him to fuck off with his misogynistic bare faced cheek. Who the fuck does he think he is? Thinks you should jump to your womanly duties because he complains to your husband? I would never look after them again and I wouldn’t give a shiny shit if I fell out with them.

Anyone who takes their dc to America out of school for a whole month only has themselves to blame when they’re stuck in the holidays and they’re obviously wealthy enough to pay for childcare if they can fly to America.
Sometimes it isn’t money, it’s that childcare is overbooked or staff is short or the like, and sometimes childcare providers don’t have the same availability in summer holidays

edited to add: you can also have managers or work conditions that change in the blink of an eye and I’ve experienced that in retail and office work (and labs!)

Quite apart from anything else, there is the issue of safety. Looking after a large number of children on your own makes accidents more likely. The responsibility is too much.
Make it clear that your answer is no, and not open for further discussion.

Op literally sent a list of summer clubs eith availability that was ignored so she could provide free care!!!

If either of them message you OR your husband your only reply should literally to send just this link

https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement

They can take 8 weeks EACH per year and have a total allowance of 54 weeks EACH until 18!
That should see them through the summers!

Your BIL texting

families help out

text back

we did last week, this week we can’t.

Utter CFs, the pair of them. Stick to your guns and don't ever say yes to childcare again.

It would also be an idea to go out early for the day, in case they plan on just turning up and dumping the kids on you....

Good for you staying strong on this. I’m another one who would be extremely annoyed if my BIL contacted DH over such a situation. They do seem to lead chaotic lives, don’t they? Leave them to it.

Glad someone else called out OP...@Aprilmaymum calling yourself a full-time mum is pretty offensive because by definition mums who work are then 'part time'. I can assure you that on the days I work I am still a full-time mum and it's full on getting everyone fed, clothed and where they need to be and I still have to take calls at work related to them and keep up with school WhatsApps then it's all the pick ups and dinner etc. Do you say your DH is a 'part time dad', I bet he doesn't do any of the stuff I've just described either? It's toxic culture to call any parent part time. I feel sorry for your SIL, yes she and BIL have been disorganised clearly, but you are clearly judgemental about parents who work despite being in the lofty position of one who's DH brings in wads of cash so you don't need to work and can simply be free to do housework and childcare and enjoy the 1950s lifeestyle. That's nice for you, but instead of bitching about your 'part time parent SIL' on here why don't you tell her the truth that you've got enough to do looking after your own kids and can't manage hers as well so she needs to find an alternative. That's fair enough.

Nowmyou only have one wage coming in that's just so selfish and presumptive of her . There is obviously a cost to looking after 2 more children providing food and activities so she should offer some kind of recompense I dont mean a payment but a contribution. You did the right thing .

None of this is OP’s problem.

I’m so shocked reading some of the CFery people have experienced on this thread! With so many holiday club options these days it’s utterly ridiculous.
Its exhausting enough with your own kids home for six weeks, stick to your guns OP 😊
Agree with others, ignore all future requests. They need to get their shit together.

It needs to be a reciprocal arrangement, they either pay or have your children when it's convenient to yours, otherwise it's a no. Your family took the financial hit to be able to cover childcare, they need to do the same.

If they went away in April, presumably booking well ahead, then they've had plenty of time to get organised, it's not an emergency.

This.

This. ⬆️⬆️

It's rude, disrespectful of your time and your child's needs and even worse their moaning about it. Become very busy.

I am so glad you said no. I worked full-time since my kids were babies. Having somewhere to drop my kids like this would have been a dream. But I would not have asked in a million years. It is incredibly cheeky behaviour and you need to stand your ground.

and don’t worry about your wording OP. I don’t mind what stay at home mums choose to call themselves. I never took it as a reflection on my parenting as a working mother.

They are taking the piss, you've paid fir holiday camps so you don't have to look after the kids 7 days a week, they need to look at taking unpaid leave to look after their own kids, or if MIL gets involved, then she can move her own activities to make time.

I work hard over the year to plan holiday childcare and we don't have big family holidays as a consequence of that too.

She is being a CF and you have a right to say no. As your car isn't big enough you'd not be able to take your children to their holiday groups and pixk them up if their kids are with you. That is also a lot of children for anyone to look after. I'd just keep firm on it. If they do shift work I can understand it is hard but then if a job doesn't work around your family you either use childcare or look for a different job. Dh and I work around each other so no childcare needed but I booked my older two into holiday clubs just so they were happy making new friends and doing activities.

I also find taking care of other kids plus my own too much like hard work. I'm always amazed when some people say that it keeps the kids occupied (perhaps it's due to ages) but I always find that a child gets left out or there is more bickering to deal with and I have to be 'present' more. It's not for me.

Summer holidays are like Christmas, you know when they are going to occur. She should have got the childcare sorted out before the holidays started.

And stick to your guns!

How many times have they had all your kids? I'm guessing none. If families help each other out that has to go both ways, otherwise it's meaningless and just an excuse to use you. I hope your DH has been backing you up on this. You are absolutely doing the right thing, it's not your responsibility to mind them, they're using you and it's not ok to try and manipulate someone else into minding the children they chose fo have.

Well done for sticking to your guns OP. When you work you have no choice but to be extremely organised with school holiday childcare plans. I have a very colourful calendar going with the complex combination of holiday clubs, family and annual leave. I could never just leave it until the last minute and hope someone who doesn’t work will just help out. My SIL doesn’t work and I have never once asked her to help me out. It’s my responsibility, no one else’s. My plan has been in place since holiday clubs opened for summer bookings. I also could never waste my entire annual leave allowance on one term time holiday as that would screw me over for the whole year! Your SIL needs to learn and hopefully she will learn when she can’t go to work next week because there’s no one to look after the kids.

That would absolutely get my back up. Why is he contacting DH. Unless he's asking DH if he's free to watch the kids I guess. I hate when people do this like DH is somehow your keeper.

Keep saying no!

They don’t take each day as it comes. They assume that you are their default childcare unless something else comes along.

I am very sorry to hear this.

I think I am fairly typical of parents who work full time. School holiday childcare is meticulously planned well in advance, because I cannot afford to casually swan along and then not have a plan in place one day! It would be so incredibly stressful to scrabble around trying to sort things out with just a couple of days to go. Presumably they don’t feel this pressure as they just assume that you will take them.

They need to do what most other people do, which is a mix of each parent taking annual leave by themself for childcare (or unpaid leave) and holiday camps for any periods they are not on family holidays. Holiday camps can be tricky as extended hours aren’t always quite long enough. We manage that by sharing the load with another working family, and between us we can make it work. My husband’s employer is happy for him to shift hours if there are no meetings, so he can start a little late. It then doesn’t matter that he finishes late, because another parent has done the converse, and is there for the pick up. There are also a couple of days each week when an office-based parent can work from home, so they don’t have the commute. There are ways to make it work, but you have to be organised. This is why I cannot believe that your relatives’ plan is to take things day by day, and not simply that their plan is that you are their childcare.

I would NEVER presume that a SAHP would just take on my children as free childcare. I realise that, even though time with your own children is a joy, the summer holidays are long, and it’s stressful to entertain hot, sticky, tired children single handed for 6 weeks. And then to just assume you could easy add another THREE children to the mix on a frequent basis, it really takes the biscuit.

Keep standing firm on this. I know it’s of no practical help, but I am behind you!

MillyMollyMandHey
well we can always say not my problem or we can help people- I’ve had people save me and I’ve gone out of my way for people to help them too. I’m sorry I’m not trying to be all ‘wouldn’t the world be a better place’ but it really would and I don’t think there’s anyone here who wouldn’t appreciate someone taking on something that ‘wasn’t their problem’ to help them out!