Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

Tell DH that DBIL has got a nerve expressing his disappointment. He's disappointed because you won't repeatedly keep doing them favours and there's nothing wrong with that. Your free time is YOUR free time, you're under no obligation to watch anyone's children. From now on, I would just say no to childcare for them and stick to visits when DH is there

When I had a friend move to my area, it was very quickly followed up by a request to do something for them that would have encroached on my day quite a bit. Her DH didn't want to have to rearrange his work and hey, I was a SAHM. I had commitments that day so used them to say no. I couldn't accommodate a vague time frame as needed. I just had a feeling it was important to set that boundary on my time from the beginning. Not that I would always say no, I just sensed my time wasn't being as valued because it wasn't paid employment. In the end it turned out my gut feeling was right and my availability wasn't just assumed going forward.

This. Done give reasons or excuses, just say no. It's not your responsibility to bail out others, nor is their childcare gap your problem to solve. So so so cheeky of them. If it came as "and I'll take your kids the next day" kind of arrangement then maybe, but it doesn't sound like they are offering shit.

I worked outside the home - back to work within 6 weeks of each Caesarean. I don't have a problem with somebody calling themselves a fulltime mother if they don't work outside the home.

I think the SIL and BIL are incredibly rude and entitled. I can't for a minute imagine assuming that my SIL who gave up work when she had children would have taken my children for days on end at short notice. I am sure she would have done so in an emergency of course. And the cheek of your BIL telephoning his brother to bring you into line. I think you've already been very generous looking after the children who don't sound delightful to me. in fact, I'd be stopping any future childcare.

Wow they are so cheeky. Like everyone else they need to organise clubs, holiday childcare or unpaid leave. Don’t let them bully you. I would help out a relative by taking one child, but taking 3 on top of your 3 is a no go! So what you don’t work, you have other plans and can’t change them or accommodate 3 kids on top!! Stick to your guns.

So in what ways is BIL “helping out” your family? He must be doing loads, as it is such an important value of his!

As are you….

They are grownups, and it’s a parent’s responsibility to arrange holiday childcare. Perhaps you have enabled this in the past by saying yes. Them expecting you to be their unpaid nanny, of which the results are you being chained to your home with 6 small children and no way to get out and about all day, plus your own DC missing out on activities, is completely out of order. And they know it. What would they do if you weren’t around?

You took a financial hit when you quit your job to be a SAHM. They expect to maintain their full salaries all summer, without any childcare costs, at your expense. Not on.

Most holiday clubs (except the very popular ones) can be booked last minute. I never book mine more than a day or two in advance. Your in laws can do the same. I imagine it’s not a case of availability but their unwillingness to pay for childcare.

I also don’t understand how families decide to have a second/third child without a solid childcare plan in place- it’s unfair to ask someone to look after 3 kids for free for anything other than an emergency.

That is ridiculous and they obviously see you as a pushover. Good on you for telling them where to go! Cheeky f*ers!! If they ask again I would tell them the truth, 6 kids is too much for you. And you're not a creche. Also they owe you for your previous childminding, ask when can you drop off your 3 at the weekend so they can experience 6 themselves.

Asking for multiple days two weeks in a row is very cheeky, unless there's a good reason like illness. She wanted two days one week and three days the next? That's a full working week of childcare...for THREE children!

Now I'm curious...why did she need five days of childcare for three children??

This!

Such a good point: ask BIL when it’s your turn to drop the kids off! As he values family help so much, surely they would love to return the favour.

Well if the whole family wants to get involved, maybe they can roll their sleeves up and make a childcare rota amongst themselves. They seem very invested in these 3 children so surely they can sort something out.

1. They are showing huge disrespect by not accepting your 'no' nor that you have preexisting plans incompatible with looking after 3 extra children
2. They are acting as if their wants supercede your plans very much as if they see you as subservient to them
3. What are they doing, or have ever done, to help you out?
4. If you have their children you're stuck in the house as you can't fit all kids in the car so you can't go out and do fun and enriching things with your kids which is one of he main points of sacrificing financially to be a sahm, they clearly don't care.
5. They've offered no payment for significant amounts of childcare (that you could put into a pension that you're missing out on by being a sahm)

Your DH should bring up all this lack of 'helping family' or even showing you respect.

They clearly see you as a personal servant and don't respect your choices. I'd honestly never do childcare for them again after this. Nice and clear all around.

What happens if there's an emergency given you can't fit all the kids in the car?

I’d be really annoyed if I had already said no and then BIL went crying to my Dh about it, he’s not my boss, I mean was he expecting your DH to order you to provide childcare.

Also the families help each other out whilst never offering you childcare in return. They are super cheeky fuckers.

Good for you OP, stick to your guns.

Family should help each other out? But they don’t ever have your children? They should offer to have them at weekends to make up for the all they time you’ve had their children. As you say you can’t go out if you’ve got 6 children and it’s not fair on your own kids and you’ve got plans. Stick to your guns, they are taking the P. They should have booked holiday clubs but instead were planning on just asking you.

Because she’s working and hasn’t planned any childcare as she was expecting the OP to pick up the slack. Good OP has said no.

Not unreasonable. I get this sometimes being self employed even - people think I'm therefore flexible and can help out. However it means I miss out on income. When I do take the time out it is for my own kids and I would be limited with my plans with them (we like to go out together, have passes to places that cover us, my car is only so big etc). I'd be happy to help now and then, or even a routine if the same was reciprocated so it was mutually beneficial. But I wouldn't want to make my own situation tougher by looking after someone else's children routinely so that they could make their situation better by making more income. That's unfair.

Nail on the head!

It’s a cheek. Definitely keep saying no.

Going to go against the grain here and say could you not do it but talk to her and say it honestly honestly can’t be a regular thing?

It’s like someone offering air when they agree to take your kids when you’ve been left stuck.

Yes we can all say cheeky etc but you did say she’s desperate. We never had extra help and life is just one big argument, arguing with managers, with each other, with childcare providers who had no availability. It’s literally a miserable one foot in front of the other.

When I worked 4 mornings a week I planned all my holiday childcare well in advance.
On the rare occasion I got stuck a sahm df would have dd until 1.30.
In return I bought a gift and had all 3 of hers on my day off for as long as she wanted.

The dsil doesn’t have to argue with managers because until now she’s managed to palm her kids off on her sil.
Anyone who takes their dc to America out of school for a whole month only has themselves to blame when they’re stuck in the holidays and they’re obviously wealthy enough to pay for childcare if they can fly to America.

They are desperate because they haven’t planned anything at all; not because their plans have fallen though.

They were also desperate last week, when OP had them for two days.

They need to do better, not ask other people for ‘air’ due to absolutely zero planning on their own part.

Also, their poor DC must never have any idea where they are going until the last minute; that’s not good for kids IMO