Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

Youre wrong. I saw my mum once or twice a year growing up, she was never a full time mum.

I work term time only and already have 3 children. Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest as long as it wasn’t an expected yes. I find it easier for my 3 to be entertained by their cousins/friends.
also, as long as I’d feel I could also ask for their help in return. If to not the ask I find cheeky- it’s the expected response.

DSIL and BIL are taking the piss - it’s not like the school holidays are a surprise or a shock - they happen at the same time every year. If they were foolish enough to use their leave and money for clubs on their month long trip to America they they needed to take unpaid parental leave (see .gov website for entitlement) for some time over the summer and tighten their belts to care for their kids if they couldn’t get their shifts to line up for childcare. Honestly give an inch and some people take a mile. I hope you don’t back down!

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest as long as it wasn’t an expected yes. I find it easier for my 3 to be entertained by their cousins/friends.

For 3 days a week though ?
For, presumably 9 hours (or potentially 13 or 14 if emergency workers) a day?

Yes, I was happy for nieces and nephews to "come round to play" in the holidays with my 3 (making 6 dc), but those couple of hours are a very different perspective. Even before the OP mentioned that the SiL wanted her to look after the SiL's dc when her own dc were out at holiday clubs.

This!!
I get so sick of people planning somebody else’s life for them when they sit back and do nothing themselves! You are under no obligation to look after anybody’s children especially when you have three of your own as that must be challenging at the best of times. It’s a full on job! You have nothing to feel guilty about! Your BIL needs to wind his neck in and your DH needs to back you up!

This is fair enough. My mum used to love her friends kids coming over for the day and she had/has 3 of her own. And her friends had me and my siblings over too including one woman who had 5 kids - thankfully we were all amazingly well behaved kids so that may have helped lol the only issue here is simply that she seems entitled to OPs help and is even insisting on it. That would instantly make me say no.

And her friends had me and my siblings over too

So, nothing at all like this situation with the OP’s sister in law then.

There is clearly a failure to plan for child care during the summer holidays from your BIL & SIL. There's no way you can compensate for this lack of planning. I think it's fair to step in occasionally when there's an emergency or an unforeseen change of circumstances but that's not the case here. I think there's a deliberate - possibly somewhat unconscious - calculation to save on childcare costs by dumping the kids on you so they can afford things like trips to the US in term time. They also seem to actively try to poison your relationship with their kids by telling them you said no to having them round (not really appropriate in my view to tell them this). But the upside is if they actively try to foster hostility towards you you are unable to look after the kids even in emergencies. Oh dear.

Thank you to everyone who made helpful supportive comments. I have stuck by what I said. My DH also spoke to his DB and stated it was unfair that I was made to feel like the bad guy. All quiet now and I have two in clubs and one in a little crèche tomorrow so I can make a start on my endless jobs.
thank you mumsnet

Well done @Aprilmaymum ! Great to hear 👏

Prepare for next week's saga..

Good-hopefully they are making plans!

Where are their kids the rest of the week, @Aprilmaymum ?

That's great! Hope you have a lovely, quiet day tomorrow. 🙂

Good stuff!

Glad your DH is supporting you on this. Going forward, stick to your guns and ignore all future emotional blackmail. Enjoy tomorrow and then the rest of the holidays with YOUR children xxx

I second this. So many problems on MN are a result of unsupportive, weak partners.

It’s only judgemental of other mothers if they buy into misogynistic crap about expectations on women. My kids are older now so maybe what I do is just accepted/ set and I don’t find it offensive in the slightest.

OP good update. Good news the CFers have properly piped down.

Glad to hear it. Please keep us posted if you feel like it. I'd like to know if you get any sort of apology from them or your FIL.

Great news OP!

Something along the lines of ,,, hi, I can’t look after Peter and Paul becouse I have made plans for the summer holiday which can’t be changed and 6 kids on my own is not something I had planned for or am comfortable with, Here are some links to a couple of summer clubs or you could try the school WhatsApp group for ideas. Good luck I’m sure you’ll find some fun for the kids….. make sure you use the kids names and not just “your kids” as it could sound like it’s about her. Address it to both parents and don’t apologise. Remember you don’t need to justify yourself and don’t get drawn into an argument. No is no

It's not strengthening family relations if one side are CFs that never reciprocate and the other is full of resentment.

Excellent, 🤞it stays that way and they have learned a valuable lesson about better planning going forward.

Glad you stuck to your guns - well done Op!

Do you have a plan for if she turns up with the kids first thing in the morning?

Great update. Nice to hear on MN that a
a husband has actually stood up and backed his wife against a sibling.

I can’t believe the nerve of OPs brother in law though, he was essentially saying to OPs husband “my wife’s demands are more important than your wife’s desire to not want to babysit” it’s as if they both really thought they could overrule OP’s decision - bonkers.