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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying no to childcare in the holidays

895 replies

Aprilmaymum · 03/08/2024 22:03

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

OP posts:
gardenmusic · 04/08/2024 19:41

justfinethanks

So I did!

justfinethanks · 04/08/2024 19:44

gardenmusic · 04/08/2024 19:41

justfinethanks

So I did!

I was just wondering who you were talking to when you said how dare you say, if it was anyone particular.

gardenmusic · 04/08/2024 19:48

I was just wondering who you were talking to when you said how dare you say, if it was anyone particular.

You have the wrong poster, but let's not derail.

HBiz · 04/08/2024 19:54

Helping out every now and again is one thing. Expecting you to look after their kids three days a week isn’t reasonable. You manage on one income, they have two - and they’re expecting you to provide free childcare on top of that. To ask is one thing but then to call your husband and complain is something else, extremely manipulative. They’re attempting to take advantage of you, just because you’re a stay at home Mum doesn’t mean you’re at their beck and call for childcare. Same as they’re not at your beck and call if you’d need money - you wouldn’t call them and guilt trip by saying ‘but we’re family’. They’re taking the royal piss and need to understand that you’re not a built in solution for them to avoid having to sort their own plans out!

IncompleteSenten · 04/08/2024 20:10

You know what you need to say right?

families help each other out you say? I don't recall you ever helping me out. Does this family help work both ways or only to your benefit?

Because seriously fuck this shit. They're pissed off anyway because you won't roll over so you may as well let them know you know they are trying to manipulate you.

And if they carry on then you say a day for a day. I have your children Monday, you take mine on Saturday.

I think we all know what they'd say to that bugger.

5128gap · 04/08/2024 20:19

Your BiL needs to make arrangements for his children if he's working during school holidays. If he needs childcare he should pay for it. Disgraceful he thinks he can pressure his brother into getting you to do it. I'm glad your husband told him no.

benorjerry · 04/08/2024 20:26

5128gap · 04/08/2024 20:19

Your BiL needs to make arrangements for his children if he's working during school holidays. If he needs childcare he should pay for it. Disgraceful he thinks he can pressure his brother into getting you to do it. I'm glad your husband told him no.

Tell him you're investigating the local going rates per child for childminding to see if it would financially be worth your while to have them!

Twitchyeyebrow · 04/08/2024 20:30

Stick to your guns op.

Her involving the parents in law would make me dig my heels in even more tbh! Telling you you've made the kids cry is low too. 🙄

I get asked and/or hinted at about childcare all the time too. 🙄

My advice is say no for the rest of summer and mean it! Sil will soon move on to someone else to take the P with, probably a parent from the kid's school.

Suggest future get togethers are mutual meet ups with all the parents and cousins together where you meet up on days out. No more providing of free childcare.

Scentedjasmin · 04/08/2024 20:32

You are not responsible for anybody else's life choices. It was their choice to go to America and use up their leave. If their jobs are incompatible with looking after their own children, then they need to make changes to their employment. Perhaps suggest that DIL could give up work and become a childminder and take in other children too. It's also not for you to come up with suggestions of holiday clubs etc. Their children, their responsibility. Perhaps they can find a reciprocal arrangements with other parents. It's your choice to be a SAHM. It's not an easy option (in my experience it is harder than going to work). The up side is that you do get to enjoy some nice days out with them and some quieter days at home. You do not need to justify it. I would be furious at her attempts at emotional blackmail. I definitely wouldn't be doing it again.

AtlanticMum · 04/08/2024 20:36

Hi OP. It looks to me like you are being bullied by your in laws. The fact that MIL is likely to criticise you over not picking up ‘family’ childcare and BIL texting your DH sounds a bit ‘ganging up’. So if you can - just pull back and hold your ground - your instincts are right. Best of luck.

CountryCob · 04/08/2024 20:39

I think 6 kids all day is pretty full on parenting by anyone's standards and getting upset about OP's expression of that is showing the massive chip on a poster's shoulders. In my experience many cannot afford to SAH and also many perfer to work and I find it irritating when people who could clearly SAH as a family try to make others feel guilty for it or like they are so lucky when they have choosen to continue in their careers. Which is a legitimate approach but having a pop at those that don't is unfair
That many snacks a clean ups without pay is fulfilling in being present but is not something others should tell people to be grateful for.

Lollipop81 · 04/08/2024 20:46

CautionaryTaleGirl · 04/08/2024 19:33

This has been gone over again and again and again...

Show quote history

And your point is?

CountryCob · 04/08/2024 20:50

I think the point is that jumping on a few words the OP used to tell her she is lucky to be able to be at home (not having the opportunity to advance her career or get paid and keeping the family in 'get togethers') is exactly the same BS being used to manipulate her into free childcare leading her to be expected to look after 6 kids on her own, most likely outside of paid childcare hours and without any of the boundaries of booking in etc of paid childcare

PotatoLove · 04/08/2024 20:52

It absolutely isn't your responsibility to provide bloody free childcare! She's a CF. Playing the victim with your ILS and using the children "crying" is so emotionally manipulative. I truly despise these sorts of people. Stick to your guns OP!

Teateaandmoretea · 04/08/2024 20:54

OP if PILs agree with you then it won’t be a problem. SIL needs to just grown up and stop behaving like a brat.

Lemonbalm13 · 04/08/2024 21:27

Aprilmaymum · 03/08/2024 22:14

She is far to busy with all her activities to ever help out.

Show quote history

If she has anything to say I'd be putting it back on her. Grandmother has more responsibility to her grandkids than their aunt. You left your job to look after your kids, if they don't have the childcare or the finances to look after their own children then I would suggest they also make the difficult decision you had to and leave work to raise their children. This is not your problem no matter what anyone from that family says and whoever gets involved suggest they mind them if they feel so strongly about it as you have your own family to tend to. I'm on maternity at the minute with my 3rd and I have never been as busy, I've barely had a minute to myself there is constantly something to do in that free time im not looking after 3 kids. SAHM work harder than anyone. Grandmother can beat it and so can everyone else

Poddledoddle · 04/08/2024 21:31

Motheranddaughter · 03/08/2024 22:28

Ok but to me it still strengthens family relationships ,which to me are paramount

No it enables them to keep taking advantage

NewName24 · 04/08/2024 21:35

Hoppityhophops · 04/08/2024 19:04

You don't have to justify yourself by saying your busy. I'd have said haha nice try but I'm already outnumbered 3 to 1 I don't fancy been outnumbered 6 to 1 again. I thought last time was a one off tbh. Have a great hols and we will try and meet up with you when you're free

This is a great way of putting it.

Ilovecleaning · 04/08/2024 21:35

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 03/08/2024 22:23

Yanbu to say no to childcare but you are being vvvv unreasonable to use thr phrase "full time mum" which is sickeningly insulting. All mums are "full time" - most especially when we are working to put food on our DC's table and a roof over their heads. You having the privilege of a partner whose income means you don't have to work is veru nice but that makes you a Stay At Home Parent. You don't spend a single extra minute "being a mum" than a woman who works.

But of course you don't have to give anyone free childcare and it's fine to say no.

Personally I'd much rather make arrangements with other working mums so that I can offer to reciprocate the favour in a different week.

Completely missing the point…

NewName24 · 04/08/2024 21:36

HBiz · 04/08/2024 19:54

Helping out every now and again is one thing. Expecting you to look after their kids three days a week isn’t reasonable. You manage on one income, they have two - and they’re expecting you to provide free childcare on top of that. To ask is one thing but then to call your husband and complain is something else, extremely manipulative. They’re attempting to take advantage of you, just because you’re a stay at home Mum doesn’t mean you’re at their beck and call for childcare. Same as they’re not at your beck and call if you’d need money - you wouldn’t call them and guilt trip by saying ‘but we’re family’. They’re taking the royal piss and need to understand that you’re not a built in solution for them to avoid having to sort their own plans out!

Well said

NewName24 · 04/08/2024 21:36

CountryCob · 04/08/2024 20:50

I think the point is that jumping on a few words the OP used to tell her she is lucky to be able to be at home (not having the opportunity to advance her career or get paid and keeping the family in 'get togethers') is exactly the same BS being used to manipulate her into free childcare leading her to be expected to look after 6 kids on her own, most likely outside of paid childcare hours and without any of the boundaries of booking in etc of paid childcare

Edited

Very well put @CountryCob

Ilovecleaning · 04/08/2024 21:39

Sounds like they took it for granted you would be available and would agree, then were shocked and angry when you said no. Equivalent of stamping their feet.

Ilovecleaning · 04/08/2024 21:43

Aprilmaymum · 03/08/2024 22:28

I have already apologised for saying this. It wasn’t meant in a bad way I was just saying I don’t work

Show quote history

OP, it was crystal clear what you meant - except to nitpicking stick-up-their-arse people who want to derail a thread by pointing out the bleeding obvious. You had no need to apologise to Mrs Holier Than Thou 😀

ItsVeryHyacinthBucket · 04/08/2024 21:50

YABU for saying full time mum, those of us who work aren’t part time??! What ignorance.

WiddlinDiddlin · 04/08/2024 21:56

ItsVeryHyacinthBucket · 04/08/2024 21:50

YABU for saying full time mum, those of us who work aren’t part time??! What ignorance.

You read the OP and thought you'd just join in to give the OP a kicking for a phrase commonly used that was all about describing the OP's specific situation and absolutely not about you in any way...

Well done you! Feel better now?