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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying no to childcare in the holidays

895 replies

Aprilmaymum · 03/08/2024 22:03

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

OP posts:
BuggeryBumFlaps · 04/08/2024 18:25

Next time she says her dc are upset and they they miss their cousins, offer to drop your dc off so they can play

Mostlycarbon · 04/08/2024 18:26

Aprilmaymum · 04/08/2024 13:52

I have said no as I have plans for the week and it is hard to do things with 6 DC. I don’t want to fall out with anyone as we do as a family have a good respectful relationship. I think my problem was allowing myself to be available at the drop of a hat and not saying anything before. I hope now we can move on as a family and not let this get in the way.

I don’t want to fall out with anyone as we do as a family have a good respectful relationship

I don't think your BIL and SIL have been respectful of you or your time in this situation at all. And very manipulative to make it about their children crying: they shouldn't have told the children the plan before it was confirmed! Reminds me of the "you've ruined my child's Christmas" brigade on facebook marketplace.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 04/08/2024 18:27

Actually amendment to my suggested message - say that you are sorry her children are upset to not see yours, but to be clear, you find it to difficult to care for all 6 alone so you won’t be able to offer childcare for all children again. You would, however happily see them as a family and would they like to arrange a date you can all meet up ?

The problem isn’t that you have plans, it’s that you can’t care for them all. Saves you having to think of plans each week.

Mostlycarbon · 04/08/2024 18:27

BuggeryBumFlaps · 04/08/2024 18:25

Next time she says her dc are upset and they they miss their cousins, offer to drop your dc off so they can play

Ha lol yes this.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/08/2024 18:30

In all fairness @Aprilmaymum, even when you said no before, do you mind me asking why you think your last message will hit home with BiL and SiL, the CFers from hell?
I'm just going by the tone of what you posted as your update to what your SiL sent to you and it doesn't sound firm and could lead either of them to still believe that there might be wiggle room to get you to change your mind.
I hope I'm wrong but I sense that they have no concept of what is acceptable here.

Ilikeadrink14 · 04/08/2024 18:37

Aprilmaymum · 03/08/2024 22:14

She is far to busy with all her activities to ever help out.

Show quote history

Very helpful, isn’t she (MIL)? Selfish c*w! You have my sympathy and I’m sorry that I can’t suggest anything that might help you. Good luck, but as someone else said, stick to your guns. Why should you mess up your plans to help someone else if they are treating you as their unpaid chilminder, or even a paid one if that is not what you want, whether or not you have other plans?
As a matter of interest, I am over 70, and it has taken me until now to stop being a yes woman! I never dared to say no to any request for babysitting, collecting from school, taking to swimming etc. and, looking back, I realise what a fool I was.
Please don’t be like me!

diddl · 04/08/2024 18:40

Gosh!

Why is MIL a selfish cow?

NewName24 · 04/08/2024 18:43

BuggeryBumFlaps · 04/08/2024 18:25

Next time she says her dc are upset and they they miss their cousins, offer to drop your dc off so they can play

Definitely do this Grin

it is hard when it is family to say no

It really isn't.
It is helpful that not only is your dh fully supportive, but now they know the situation, so are your Parent-in-law.

It is probably a little bit more difficult as you have been so helpful previously, but once you start having boundaries, it becomes a lot easier. Hold firm @Aprilmaymum . I realise covering childcare when doing shift work is more of a challenge, but that is the reason for being all the more organised, not less so. It also gives you the space to host other people's dc, to build up goodwill, which they clearly don't seem to do.

Doubledenim305 · 04/08/2024 18:49

Her husband told Ur husband "how disappointed he is".

I'd laugh in his face at the sheer brass neck first and then decide in myself not to look after their kids for a good long time.

These people are inconsiderate users.

mentallyilltotallychill · 04/08/2024 18:51

I work full time as a single mum (dad has him 2 days a week though to be fair) and I can work from home in extreme circumstances BUT myself, his dad, his dads mum all try and work something out or when we will need holiday clubs well in advance, i bang on at his dad “what do you want the summer schedule to look like” from the easter holidays so we are sorted.

you shouldnt be treated as a drop of the hat childcare provider. They should have sorted arrangements well in advance YANBU.

Pumpkinpie1 · 04/08/2024 18:56

I think your Brother In Law and his wife need to grow up. A lot !
To not have planned childcare for the 6 week holidays is ridiculous. The fact they chose to use leave earlier in the year and didn’t plan for the summer hols shows entitled immaturity. You even sent them details of holidays clubs ….. which they ignored !
Your child has told you he is looking forward to some peace. Which illustrates he’s not enjoying being made to spend time with these energetic cousins.
Personally I would listen to your children - they are your priority! and not be bullied into being an unpaid mug /babysitter.

These are their kids, not yours and looking after them for such long days sounds awful not just for you but your children who deserve to enjoy their summer holidays in peace.

Floppyelf · 04/08/2024 18:58

Tagyoureit · 03/08/2024 22:08

She's being cheeky, you've probably saved her a fortune in the past so now she can use some of that money to pay for childcare.

And your dbil can fuck right off with his disappointment, the cock!

Tag is right. Word for word.

Hoppityhophops · 04/08/2024 19:04

You don't have to justify yourself by saying your busy. I'd have said haha nice try but I'm already outnumbered 3 to 1 I don't fancy been outnumbered 6 to 1 again. I thought last time was a one off tbh. Have a great hols and we will try and meet up with you when you're free

ProfessionalPirate · 04/08/2024 19:07

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 03/08/2024 22:23

Yanbu to say no to childcare but you are being vvvv unreasonable to use thr phrase "full time mum" which is sickeningly insulting. All mums are "full time" - most especially when we are working to put food on our DC's table and a roof over their heads. You having the privilege of a partner whose income means you don't have to work is veru nice but that makes you a Stay At Home Parent. You don't spend a single extra minute "being a mum" than a woman who works.

But of course you don't have to give anyone free childcare and it's fine to say no.

Personally I'd much rather make arrangements with other working mums so that I can offer to reciprocate the favour in a different week.

Fuck off with your ‘most especially’. You are a hypocrite, taking offence to the term ‘full time mum’ and then immediately going on to insult SAHMs with every subsequent sentence. The OP made her comment in all innocence, which is far more than I can say for you. Why can’t we all just lift each other up, rather than dragging down?

TonTonMacoute · 04/08/2024 19:10

It's not the asking, it's the taking for granted, and being annoyed when you've said no that's the problem.

YANBU

Ellie56 · 04/08/2024 19:16

6 children from 8.30 in the morning till 6 o'clock at night? It's hard enough with 3!
Don't give in @Aprilmaymum or you'll be doing it for ever more.

1mabon · 04/08/2024 19:18

We had three boys in four years, I was at home with them, how dare you say that I wasn't a full-time mother. I got up at 6.30 a.m. every day and didn't stop until about 8.30 p.m. If that's not full time mum I don't know what is. Apart from that Aprilmaymum does not have to justify herself. I went to an assertiveness course many years ago, we were advised to use the "broken record" just keep repeating, no, no no. It works.

BeeCucumber · 04/08/2024 19:20

Is “I’m a full time Mum” the new cancel the cheque?

Bollindger · 04/08/2024 19:22

Just keep saying you can't do it.
Nothing more, as she can't find solutions if you don't give more info.

justfinethanks · 04/08/2024 19:22

1mabon · 04/08/2024 19:18

We had three boys in four years, I was at home with them, how dare you say that I wasn't a full-time mother. I got up at 6.30 a.m. every day and didn't stop until about 8.30 p.m. If that's not full time mum I don't know what is. Apart from that Aprilmaymum does not have to justify herself. I went to an assertiveness course many years ago, we were advised to use the "broken record" just keep repeating, no, no no. It works.

Who are you shouting to? Did you learn that too at your assertiveness course?

gardenmusic · 04/08/2024 19:28

Who are you shouting to? Did you learn that too at your assertiveness course?

Shouting is capitals.
I often use bold to differentiate.

Backtoanoldname · 04/08/2024 19:30

Aprilmaymum · 04/08/2024 12:11

Reply from DSIL. She was very upset as her DC were crying when she told them I had said no. They were looking forward to being with their cousins. So now I am the bad auntie who has let them down.
she has asked can I at least do one day.

Really clever! Telling young children that something nice is going to happen before its sorted.

A recipe for upset all round.

Not to mention emotional blackmail.

Lollipop81 · 04/08/2024 19:33

Can I point out I’m a full time mom although I work as well.
as a single full time mom who also works I wouldn’t be used as childcare . I have to pay for holiday clubs which I book in advance so there ain’t much excuse really.

CautionaryTaleGirl · 04/08/2024 19:33

Lollipop81 · 04/08/2024 19:33

Can I point out I’m a full time mom although I work as well.
as a single full time mom who also works I wouldn’t be used as childcare . I have to pay for holiday clubs which I book in advance so there ain’t much excuse really.

Edited

This has been gone over again and again and again...

justfinethanks · 04/08/2024 19:34

gardenmusic · 04/08/2024 19:28

Who are you shouting to? Did you learn that too at your assertiveness course?

Shouting is capitals.
I often use bold to differentiate.

Well you missed it this time then when you should have used it.