Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

I would really struggle to be friends with her after telling the children you said no, I wouldn’t be friends with someone who twisted facts like that. Acquaintances yes, for family sake but friends no. I’d leave it to the brothers to ensure the cousins keep their bond in future. Dragging other family members into it and again twisting facts (or actually not even telling the story at all) is very manipulative.

I would make sure I am either out or doorbell is off and block her for the 3 days incase she decides to turn up and drop them off anyway!

EVery parent s entitled to 18 weeks unpaid parental leave in total until the age of 18. N more than 4 weeks in a year. Has to be taken as a full week.

if they book that today, in 21 days they are allowed to use it, so that will cover the end of the holidays, if go back as late as my kids do - or Oct half term sorted.

i am sure you are losing out on pension contributions and financially by choosing to be at home, whereas they have chosen pensions and income. Does not mean other people have to pay for their choices.

On this comment I'd let rip to the whole family to make sure that EVERYONE knows what you have said to the comment and for me it would go like something like this:

Sil - I am disgusted that you have tried to use your children to blackmail me into looking after your kids for you while you go out to work. Just because I don't work outside the home doesn't mean that I don't work, nor does it mean that I am your on-call childminder whenever you or BiL feel like it. I've been contacted by every single member of the family saying that I've upset you, and you are crying and your kids are upset. Well I can tell you now, I am furious. You should never have told your children that they would be able to spend time with their cousins BEFORE something had been arranged. This is entirely YOUR fault here and I will not accept any part in it. I am unavailable to look after Billy and George for the remainder of the summer so please stop asking now. You and BiL need to arrange your own paid childcare for your kids. Their childcare is not my issue to resolve for you.

Or perhaps something less wordy but that gets the same point across.

I'm livid on your behalf here @Aprilmaymum. They have brass necks, both BiL and his oh-so-presumptuous wife of his.

Exactly. Theres a big difference between 3 kids and six as well! Stick to your guns op, she’s cheeky, entitled and rude.

I’d send her and BIL a message saying “heard your children are upset at not seeing [dc names], if you want to have my children over on one of your days off work, do let me know.”

people like this always want to maintain family relationships, and cousins are important people for their dcs to spend time with, right up until the point they have to do the work.

Bingo.

SIL would run a mile if you expected her to have six kids for 10 hours.

Sounds like his family bully you. Your husbands need to put an end to that.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I am a full time teacher and I obviously get the holidays off. A couple of friends this year have asked if I can help out with childcare. I have 3 children of my own, a classroom to sort, a house to sort as that slips in term time and I am just exhausted. Also my husband works from home so I try to minimise the noise and adding extra children means I can't go out in the car. I found it hard to say no as I like to help but also I thought it was a bit cheeky. I don't ask them to use their annual leave to look after my children. As it is I have had their children round a couple of times as they are friends of my children but it is on my terms, on days that suit me and for a few hours rather than an 8 hour day.

I am sure they do not need 8hrs plus to be with their cousins. Perhaps arrange to visit them one Sunday afternoon if they wish to see your children.

So they went off to America for a month?
That's 8 weeks worth of holiday time between them and they expect free childcare from you?
Stop with the niceties and tell them to get fucked

F that.
Tell DH to do it.
Silently leave their lives

Excellent.

And just say the same if she asks next week. Or the week after.

In reply to families help each other out say great when can you provide childcare for our kids as I'm sure you'd love to return the favour and I'm sure it must have just slipped your mind to offer

Time to go NC @Aprilmaymum - how awful for you to be put in such a position - that is out and out manipulation on their part.

If Sil is so keen for the cousins to be together arrange a date ......................on the very last day of the summer holidays!! Cheeky mare!!

Only manipulative scum would send a message having deliberately upset her children and tried to use their upset to guilt a generous person into MORE free childcare.

Scum who never return the favour.
Keep your distance OP and find your anger.

If your DC would enjoy seeing their cousins, message her and suggest you have a family meet-up at some point that includes all of the relevant parents, rather than you having to look after 6 children by yourself

What's "CF"?

Do you have them all day? Does she send food for them?

Cheeky fucker.

I agree that it's unreasonable for SIL not to have a plan and then put that on you. I have just booked club for October based on something I checked for at work even though I am on annual leave at the moment. I have noticed a trend in some parents making no plans in time and then creating a situation where family feel obliged to step in and I think it's selfish and a little but underhand to act like you haven't got options when not even tried. I agree that it will limit what you can do with your own children and just because you don't do paid work you are not a family resource to enable other people's working lives without any reimbursement or recognition. Different if someone is unexpectedly sick or they have really tried and failed to get care. How about they have your DC at the weekend if that is something you would want? It can't all be taking.

Oh, if one of your family marries a TA or a teacher then there's often an assumption of free holiday childcare. This was what happened to me many years ago, I was told they would be dropped off at 7.30am and collected around 6pm, not asked but told! I made a point of being out very early for a few days until they got the message that I was, in their words, a selfish bitch!

@benorjerry that's terrible! What happened when they called round at 7.30am to find you were out?? You are not selfish at all!

It might for you, with your family. All families are different.

I can't quite see how OP being dumped with her SIL's kids multiple days a week without ANY reciprocal child care offered, will do anything to 'strengthen family relations'..

Strengthen dislike and resentment, yep, it's already done that!

So she wants you to provide free childcare so she can work for which she gets paid? Looking after children is exhausting, YADNBU.

@Aprilmaymum don’t let them guilt you and don’t be pressured to do one day. Stick to your guns - if you show weakness they will never stop.