Page 24 | Saying no to childcare in the holidays

FanNotEnough · 04/08/2024 15:13

The idea of looking after six children for five minutes gives me anxiety.

funinthesun19 · 04/08/2024 15:18

The kids will only be “crying” because the parents have made such a massive deal about it. If the parents just on with arranging childcare then their kids wouldn’t be all upset that they don’t get to go to Auntie April’s house. It’s only because the parents have made a big song and dance about it that their kids are now crying. The kids’ feelings aren’t on you OP.

You shouldn’t have to look after their kids. Their childcare issues aren’t your problem.
I have 4 children too, and I won’t routinely look after anyone else’s children either. I don’t currently work, which is for the benefit of my family only. Same with you and your family. I’m sure they won’t let you benefit from their earnings, will they?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 04/08/2024 15:25

DSIL and DBIL need to sort their childcare, either by paying, or taking unpaid parental leave.

Freespeechisvital · 04/08/2024 15:27

1apenny2apenny · 04/08/2024 14:03

Sounds as though you are being bullied OP 😟.

I find it very strange and sexist that your DBIL contacted your DH about the matter. Presumably he thinks your DH is your timekeeper? I would be sooo cross about that. Then your DFIL contacts you, honestly it's ridiculous. I appreciate youve said your DH agrees and is supporting you but frankly of course he bloody should and secondly who cares if he does or not anyway as it's YOUR time to use as you wish!

If it were me I'd be saying I wasn't doing it anymore and ask them to leave you alone. Put yourself and your children first.

Absolutely this!
I would be steaming if PIL were also dragged into it and trying to manipulate you by saying the DC were crying -grrrr
I would be sending this

Dear SIL/ BIL CFers
There seems to be some confusion that I am available to do CC in the holidays.
I am not
Going forward please do not ask me to mind your DC in the holidays.
I have plans with my own DC and 6 children is too much .
Op

Harvestfestivalknickers · 04/08/2024 15:43

My MIL never ever did one single days childcare for me, she never said no but made it unworkable. She said she could manage one child but not two or if I asked her for an afternoon's help, she could do it until 2.30. So, never refusing but making it unworkable. You could always try that!

comingintomyown · 04/08/2024 15:43

What is the saying Let no good deed go unpunished ?
Last week you looked after them to help but now you are a bad guy because you won’t do the same again ? I wouldn’t forget that in a hurry and would be doing zero child care for them because there clearly no appreciation whatsoever.

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 04/08/2024 15:44

Funnynotfunny · 04/08/2024 12:41

I am not surprised your brother-in-law is making those comments about family and helping. As recently as March your mother-in-law was providing free childcare for you and you were posting that you couldn’t afford nursery, and didn’t like the way the local child minder drove children around in the car all day. Maybe your sister-in-law is in the same situation now and finds nursery too pricey and doesn’t like how the child minder works. Why is it OK for you to use family for childcare but not them? Here’s the thread in case you’d forgotten www.mumsnet.com/talk/childcare/5035271-childmindernursery-help

Even If it were the same MIL. SIL would still be a CF by expecting OP to be her childcare when SIL has not helped her at all.

By using MIL OP would never then owe SIL.
Even if SIL has the same issues. Just as OP found a solution (a willing family member) so would SIL

And OP isn't willing. Which is more than her right.
You've just made yourself look a fool

mumedu · 04/08/2024 15:48

Kirstyshine · 04/08/2024 14:21

I’m amazed 5% of 2k voters have you as unreasonable. Maybe they’re the ‘we’re all full-time mums’ people, and reacting to that, because surely no one thinks you’re unreasonable not to give the childcare.

Someone voted yabu accidentally.

OhCobblers · 04/08/2024 15:51

"We do as a family have a good respectful relationship."

Not from their side you don't OP. They're not respecting you saying no, they're not respecting your time or the generosity you have already shown them with previous childcare favours.

They're takers.

The crying cousins story is bullshit manipulation. You need to shut this down completely. They appear to have a problem with accepting no for an answer.

Girlking · 04/08/2024 15:52

pinksquash13 · 03/08/2024 22:05

You are not being unreasonable. If you wanted to be a child minder, you'd be paid for it.

This ^

Izzynohopanda · 04/08/2024 15:53

I’m fairly certain the children weren’t crying because they can’t play with their cousins. If that were the case, your response could be that either they invite your children to play with them, or you arrange a family get together/bbq/visit to the zoo with everyone, parents and children included in the future.

BettyBardMacDonald · 04/08/2024 15:53

Somerford · 04/08/2024 14:52

I think it's actually gone beyond whether it's reasonable or not to not do the childcare. Now it's about the expectation and the entitlement of it all and her reaction to you saying no, the "can you at least..." bit suggests that she thinks there is a bare minimum that she's entitled to demand from you.

Getting other family members involved to try to bully you and then switching to emotional blackmail when that didn't work are signs that you need very firm boundaries with this person. It's awful behaviour and I can tell you from experience that you need to be rock solid here, if you give an inch and allow any of these tactics to work it'll happen again and again.

This!
And this from another pp:

I find it very strange and sexist that your DBIL contacted your DH about the matter. Presumably he thinks your DH is your timekeeper?

I'd be straightening out all of these attitudes about you, the value of your time & choices, and your autonomy. How dare they?

As others have said, if she whines about the cousins playing together, ask her when you should drop your kids off.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 04/08/2024 15:56

I honestly think, moving forward, you need to not provide any childcare at all. They need to get into better routines themselves. They wont if they think you might say yes. Keep sticking with that doesn't work for you as you have plans that are not possible with more people than seats in the car.

Eddielizzard · 04/08/2024 16:01

You know, the best thing I ever did by far with my in laws is stop caring what they think. They'll form their own opinions that you can't control and are most likely skewed, and regardless of what they actually think they don't really have any say in your life. Your children and your DH are who you need to worry about. As long as your DH is onside, happy days.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/08/2024 16:05

Somerford · 04/08/2024 14:52

I think it's actually gone beyond whether it's reasonable or not to not do the childcare. Now it's about the expectation and the entitlement of it all and her reaction to you saying no, the "can you at least..." bit suggests that she thinks there is a bare minimum that she's entitled to demand from you.

Getting other family members involved to try to bully you and then switching to emotional blackmail when that didn't work are signs that you need very firm boundaries with this person. It's awful behaviour and I can tell you from experience that you need to be rock solid here, if you give an inch and allow any of these tactics to work it'll happen again and again.

Absolutely this.

Also A lot of pps have suggested that you tell her that a weekend meetup can be organised, to placate her and cool the situation. This is a nice and a normal thing to do, but with CFery at this level it won't work.

She will simply use it as another opportunity to guilt trip you face to face, and in front of the kids (extra guilt as it will make you look like you don't love them) and wear you down. "You want to play with your cousins don't you? Ask Auntie OP if you can all play together next week"

The same with giving too many reasons (all valid) why you can't do it. The main reason is that you don't want to and will not do it. Eg.
"Are your kids doing summer camp every week of the holidays?"
No.
"Well looks like you are free to have ours on xyz then."

If she is as desperate to get the kids together as she says, let her organise or suggest a weekend meet up. Don't be responsible in any way for organising things.

You can go back to a more normal relationship once she has accepted that you are no longer an endless supply of free childcare and she has had the experience of making arrangements for herself and understands the value of what you have already done for her.

benorjerry · 04/08/2024 16:06

3rdtimeinflorida · 04/08/2024 14:12

Exactly this. I went to work as a TA, mainly so I could be there for my own children in the holidays. We have taken a hit pay wise but I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t become a babysitter/childminder for others (family or not) whilst they choose to continue working full time. It’s called life choices.

Show quote history

Oh, if one of your family marries a TA or a teacher then there's often an assumption of free holiday childcare. This was what happened to me many years ago, I was told they would be dropped off at 7.30am and collected around 6pm, not asked but told! I made a point of being out very early for a few days until they got the message that I was, in their words, a selfish bitch!

GoldenLegend · 04/08/2024 16:08

You need to say no to any request for childcare from them, from this moment onwards. If you don't, it's guaranteed to escalate.

twodowntwotogo · 04/08/2024 16:08

Aprilmaymum · 03/08/2024 22:03

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

Saying you already have the week planned including your children being booked into activities should be more than enough of an 'excuse'. If there's a family WhatsApp, your husband should be able to say something like:

I need to clear the air about something. SIL and DIL have asked if Aprilmaymum can mind their children for a few days next week, but we already have the summer planned and our kids are already booked into activities that can't be changed. Besides, it's just not possible for Aprilmaymum to look after three extra children again. The whole summer is planned and so while our kids are looking forward to spending time with their cousins at some stage, we want you all to know that Aprilmaymum won't be in a position to mind all six children at any stage, and so please don't put her under any pressure to do so again

ZenNudist · 04/08/2024 16:14

She's a cheeky mare. Stick to your guns and don't do any more childcare for them. Users.

Tell them not to ask as a refusal will offend them.

I can't believe how she's trying to guilt trip you and put the pressure on via othe family members.

Wasntmeanttobelikethis · 04/08/2024 16:15

Aprilmaymum · 04/08/2024 13:52

I have said no as I have plans for the week and it is hard to do things with 6 DC. I don’t want to fall out with anyone as we do as a family have a good respectful relationship. I think my problem was allowing myself to be available at the drop of a hat and not saying anything before. I hope now we can move on as a family and not let this get in the way.

Stay strong and stick to your good decision
If you cave in, you’ll resent the children that you’re unwillingly looking after, and your children will probably pick up on the tension
Do not do even one day , or she’ll smell weakness

mumedu · 04/08/2024 16:16

They now need to take days off for emergency childcare reasons. I bet they'll never forget to book holiday club again. Don't cave in to the pressure.

Wasntmeanttobelikethis · 04/08/2024 16:17

I’m sure your family will respect you for standing up for yourself

mumedu · 04/08/2024 16:17

GoldenLegend · 04/08/2024 16:08

You need to say no to any request for childcare from them, from this moment onwards. If you don't, it's guaranteed to escalate.

Exactly this. If you give an inch, things will quickly balloon out of control. You need to have a clean and clear cut 'no'.

anothernewstart9 · 04/08/2024 16:20

comingintomyown · 04/08/2024 15:43

What is the saying Let no good deed go unpunished ?
Last week you looked after them to help but now you are a bad guy because you won’t do the same again ? I wouldn’t forget that in a hurry and would be doing zero child care for them because there clearly no appreciation whatsoever.

Spot on!

WickieRoy · 04/08/2024 16:21

mumedu · 04/08/2024 16:16

They now need to take days off for emergency childcare reasons. I bet they'll never forget to book holiday club again. Don't cave in to the pressure.

Agreed.